The grandmother is 75 years old and still depends on the car to get from up to down the town. Every day she goes to pick up her granddaughter from school, traveling the 15 kilometers of road that separate her house from the girl's school.
For some time now, the little girl's parents have noticed that the grandmother's vision is not as clear as before, that she is more easily distracted and that she drives more aggressively than usual, probably because it takes her longer to react behind the wheel. Maybe it's time to tell her that she no longer has the skills necessary to drive safely. But how do we do it? I'm sure she'll taste bad.
The psychologist specialized in aging Jesús Gracia recognizes that you have to be tactful when telling the grandmother that she can no longer go pick up the girl with the car because you don't want to take risks. And it is not just about driving, but there are many situations in which the loss of faculties forces one to retire early, when the person does not yet have the feeling that they are not capable, for example, of climbing a ladder. or cook with gas.
"It should always be done so that the person does not feel nullified. It must be planned as far in advance as possible, to act before the problem is very advanced," he explains. "Autonomy and the ability to fend for ourselves is the most precious thing we have, therefore, we must keep in mind that this is a duel, but it is still mythologized. As they say, they hang them out of necessity."
Gracia admits that this is a difficult and complex situation. In this grief, a time of transition is often needed. "The person, initially, will hardly accept resignations. He needs time to get used to the idea and see for himself that he really cannot do a certain thing," says the expert. "That's why it's okay for her to take advantage of those moments when she fails or she has some specific difficulty to help her see the situation."
We should not inform him that "from now on he is separated from society", it should not seem like a sudden dismissal. It is about proposing a solution that, to the extent possible, maintains its autonomy. "Look, instead of you having to take the car, I'd like to take you" or "Look, I'll provide you with transportation passes and that way, instead of stressing out driving, you can take the train in peace."
Before presenting the problem, it is better to find a solution that may please them, understanding that it will not always be to their liking and it will be difficult for them to accept, in the same way that it is difficult for them to accept that they no longer have full powers to carry out certain actions. . "That is why it is appropriate to take advantage of small events that happen to them and that, based on what happens, help us make them see the situation as a fall."
"But when that happens - for example, they neglect the pot on the fire - they should not see it as a recrimination, but rather see that we are doing it to help them, not to put a spanner in the works: 'We can do this fix it this way,'" Gracia advises. "Before speaking we have to think about what we enhance to maintain autonomy in another way."
Jesús Gracia recognizes that taking away the car from a person who has used it all his life can be a disruption, and that is why he recommends gradually reducing the use of the vehicle, starting with the longest journeys.
"When you have had the time to consider that that moment would come, it is very easy. But you have to be careful, especially with people who have a very strong and narcissistic personality, because with them you have to go very gradually and progressively" , he comments. "Then there are those who have always gone their own way, who have never wanted anyone's help and who one day see that they can no longer do so. These have a bad prognosis, because seeing themselves in the hands of others is like being subjected."
There is one factor that must be taken into account when addressing the situation of grandparents who can no longer do certain things: if they cannot, in most cases we will have to take care of it. And that implies dedication. "Sometimes, children have to make an investment of time: 'I'll take you, it's no problem, don't worry. I'll come pick you up with the car and that's it.'"
In today's society, this is difficult. "You have a job, you have children... But we should think that - without wishing to be moralistic - everything we have we owe to our parents. Culturally, we should promote a change in this sense."
According to the expert consulted, when we see that one of our elders has lost the ability to do something, we must propose a solution that improves their life and that, in turn, involves not having to do what they can no longer do.
