We are immersed in a world of expectations and we generate them or generate them at work, study, love, and also our children, friends and colleagues... There they are! They are part of our life and we live with them all the time. And although they seem harmless, they can often lead to frustration and become an emotional bomb, especially if you don't know how to deal with them. But why do we get carried away and how can we deal with this situation? Is it possible to live with or even take advantage of expectations?
Expectations are projections of something we want, of an objective or a result in the future, says Noelia Ruiz Herrera, an expert psychologist in frustration tolerance, who defines them as sociocognitive variables prior to behavior, beliefs that people have about the consequences (desirable or undesirable) of a particular behavior or action. “For example - she says Ruiz - if we think that drinking alcohol is going to make us have a good time, that will increase our alcohol consumption. If, on the contrary, we think that by drinking we will make ourselves ridiculous, that will decrease our potential consumption”.
According to Ruiz, expectations have to do with the 'Locus of control', a term that refers to the belief that a person has that their response will or will not influence the consequences of their behavior: “here we have externalism on the one hand or the belief that what happens to us is out of our control, that it depends on luck, the context or the intervention of others. Thus, when a person with an external locus of control fails, they will believe that it was due to bad luck and not because they did not try hard enough”.
“And at the opposite extreme is internalism or the belief that we have that what happens to us depends exclusively on what we do, so a person with an internal locus of control will think that, for example, the time it takes to recover from a disease it will depend exclusively on their actions”, explains Ruiz, who is also a professor of the degree in Psychology at the International University of La Rioja (UNIR).
Having expectations is part of our life and helps us direct our behavior towards a series of objectives, Ruiz values. But when the consequences that occur are not as expected, then they can lead to frustration, especially if we consider that it was reasonable to be able to achieve it and we had also made a lot of effort to do so, the psychologist qualifies.
"It is very healthy to have expectations as long as they are flexible, coherent, realistic and specific, because when we do so in a rigid way or they are very high, it is very easy for them to lead us to frustration, especially in this society in which we live We believe that we have everything under control and that is not the case”, comments Nathalie Lizeretti, psychotherapist and coordinator of the emotional intelligence working group of the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia (COPC).
Hence the importance, according to Lizeretti, of also learning to live with frustration because not everything we want comes true. It is a matter of mental and emotional flexibility because one can wish for something or want to move towards a goal, but you have to accept that you are not in complete control and that things can happen that prevent you from doing so, that does not mean that we do not put in the means, because one can also have unrealistic expectations of things. "I may have an expectation of going on a rocket to the moon, but it doesn't make sense if I don't work at NASA or have nothing to do with the sector," the expert qualifies.
It should not be forgotten that frustrated people often react with feelings of anger at the inability to achieve what they wanted. And there are those who have a low tolerance for frustration, so when faced with difficulties in controlling their emotions, they are more predisposed to developing anxiety or depression.
Although at any age we generate expectations to a greater or lesser extent, it is in adolescence when these tend to be less realistic "since at this age they are very excited and have not yet learned to distinguish what is viable and feasible," says Lizeretti. “Currently we are detecting this with greater emphasis among young people and it is because it is promoted by social networks. It is very common among psychologists to find children who have expectations that are not coherent or realistic. They tell you: 'I want to be famous'. But when you ask him, what do you know how to do? Singing, dancing, acting, are you a brilliant mathematician…? "No, but I want to be famous," they reply. They are expectations that do not have that adjustment to reality”, explains Lizeretti.
The expectations serve to initiate and maintain a series of behaviors that are oriented to the development of vital objectives, according to Ruiz. But… what about the expectations that others have of us? “They can generate frustration or sadness as long as, firstly, we assume that we have to comply with them, secondly, we want to comply with them, and thirdly, we are not capable of complying with them,” says Ruiz.
Publicly acknowledging not having been able to do something specific or even believing or feeling that we have disappointed other people puts us in a situation of sadness and even fear. "We don't want to be criticized or excluded from the group or relationship to which we think we belong," explains the UNIR expert.
In addition to frustration, they can also cause low self-esteem or demotivation, especially in young people and adolescents, adds Lizeretti. The expert identifies another phenomenon that is currently latent and is that of parents who believe that their children are special or that they have high abilities. "They ask us to value this without realizing that they are placing many expectations on their children that are sometimes unrealistic and that causes them a lot of frustration," emphasizes the COPC expert.
Many times that adolescent who does not feel capable of meeting those expectations can remain paralyzed or blocked, or stop relating to their peers or do so only through social networks. This mismatch with reality can translate into demotivation and reluctance. "Increasingly we find ourselves with this profile of young people and adolescents who are unmotivated for everything when they are at the time when they have to have more expectations, illusions and objectives that move or motivate them to do things," emphasizes the psychotherapist.
According to the RAE, an expectation is the reasonable possibility that something will happen. And knowing how to handle them properly is key. As Noelia Ruiz recalls, for this our goals must be realistic and achievable. Afterwards, it is good that we implement behaviors that are oriented towards that specific goal, Ruiz points out.
For example, if we have expectations of getting a degree. This objective must be realistic taking into account different factors such as the time available to attend classes and study or previous knowledge on the subject, among others. But if you want to study the degree in German and you don't know a word in that language, then that goal is unrealistic and trying to achieve it quickly can cause us frustration, explains Ruiz.
In summary, having expectations to achieve something in particular will make us start to achieve it and show more effort, persistence and performance. But it is also advisable to re-evaluate whether that goal is still achievable and realistic according to our life situation (which is changing), Ruiz qualifies.
Nor is it about not having any expectations, reasons Nathalie Lizeretti. This situation, in addition to causing frustration, can also lead to paralysis: “on a social level it is related to the belief in control, we came from a time when we could control everything and seeing that it is not possible has led us to not have too many expectations and that people get less involved at a social, political level… etc. and we transmit that to young people, to whom is added the mismatch of the reality of social networks, the expectations of their parents… and they fall into the demotivation, discouragement…”, he emphasizes.
Therefore, expectations are positive as long as they lead us to experience positive emotions and we feel capable of facing the situation. They are an engine of behavior!, insists Ruiz. “It is important that we think through how realistic and achievable our goals are and how much influence we have to make that happen. If we cannot have any power, then we have to work on acceptance and reformulate more achievable goals”, concludes Ruiz.
