Spanish Déjà vu: "Mom I want to be a dog"

In Spain we have gone in the last 50 years from "mom I want to be a millionaire" to "mom I want to be an influencer" and, currently, following the Japanese example, to "mom I want to be a dog.

Oliver Thansan
Oliver Thansan
15 September 2023 Friday 10:23
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Spanish Déjà vu: "Mom I want to be a dog"

In Spain we have gone in the last 50 years from "mom I want to be a millionaire" to "mom I want to be an influencer" and, currently, following the Japanese example, to "mom I want to be a dog." Toco is a YouTuber who has become popular after, after spending around 13,000 euros on a hyper-realistic costume, he has been transformed into a border collie for a year. He has even given interviews, where he offers to shoot movies and where he has made a call to find a dog girlfriend. He has more than 55,000 subscribers on YouTube, keeping up with the times. But, what Toco doesn't know is that it is more profitable to be a dog person in Spain than in Japan.

And it's not just because you can relieve yourself on the street without getting fined or because, with the new law, you are covered with dog insurance. The best thing about becoming a dog in Spain is that here, you are automatically "man's best friend." No Tinder or other dating or buddy apps, the best way to ensure you have a great friend is to turn yourself into a dog. If you are a Spanish-style Toco, you will surely have someone who wants to take care of you, who will accompany you on walks, who will pick up your poop, who will take you to the hairdresser, who will share games, who will caress you or who will allow you to see the world while traveling. ...They are all advantages.

And, among all of them, the best thing is that you can lick anyone without anything happening to you, even without prior warning. Look at the mess that the former president of the RFEF, Luis Rubiales, has gotten into due to his kiss with the soccer player Jenni Hermoso. If she had been a dog, nothing would have happened to her, not at all, but since she is not, actions have consequences, right?

This week we learned about another case, which would not have existed in the canine world. It turns out that a national police officer charged with charges of the illegal referendum held in Catalonia on October 1, 2017 has denounced the non-consensual kiss that one of the protesters gave him in Barcelona, ​​considering it a crime against sexual freedom. Take it now! Six years later and, coinciding with the blonde controversy, this episode comes to light. Someone might think, "what a coincidence, right?", but no, because in Spain there are no coincidences, but causalities.

The riot agent reports that a woman of about 60 years old kissed him on the mouth in a "surprise, unexpected, sudden and non-consensual way." And that her reaction was "disgust" and "contention." And it's normal. Because, let's see, if they send you perfectly uniformed with your armor to somehow prevent some independents from voting in a ballot box, having carte blanche to beat clubs and shoot rubber bullets, what you expect is that they will throw stones at you, at the very least. What will never cross your mind is that a woman would think of kissing you (and without permission). And, on top of that, with his face uncovered, without even having the delicacy to put on a balaclava. What audacity!

One is protected with a riot helmet and the other goes and gives him a kiss without any type of protection. How daring!... For future independence mobilizations, following the new Toco fashion, one way to avoid problems is to bring dogs, very affectionate, and let the dog do the licking. They cannot be reported.

On April 25, 1974 there was a coup d'état in Portugal. And there was a woman, a waitress, Celeste Caeiro, who returned home loaded with flowers, in Lisbon. A soldier, from a tank stationed in the Plaza del Rosío, asked her for a cigarette, but the young woman was only carrying bunches of carnations and gave him one of her own. The soldier put it on the barrel of the armored vehicle and his companions repeated the gesture by placing it on their rifles, as a symbol that they did not want to fire their weapons. That is remembered as the Carnation Revolution, when a flower defeated the force of arms. Today it would be unthinkable to give flowers to a uniformed man, whether in a coup or in a demonstration, and even less so, a kiss.

It is increasingly clear that Spain is experiencing a Golden Age of absurdity. Let's see: while a riot police officer (fact and law) denounces an (alleged) independence movement for giving him a kiss without consent, it seems that other agents have dedicated themselves to infiltrating the independence movement incognito to link up with the staff (men and women). to gather information (not only would they have been given kisses, but other things: Everything for the country!). That is to say, with the approval of the license plate and the reserved funds you can kiss whoever you want and whenever you want, stealing even their soul and feelings.

This week, without going any further, we learned that the prosecutor does not see a sexual crime in the police officer who infiltrated the social movements of Sant Andreu (six activists filed a complaint against him for continued sexual abuse, against moral integrity or torture, revelation of secrets and impediment to the exercise of civil rights).

Therefore, with a proactive spirit, we propose to the CNI (National Intelligence Center?) that they hire the Japanese Toco to help them form an army of dog-spy agents. What's better than turning into a dog to infiltrate a pro-independence family or one suspected of thinking differently than you or who simply isn't to someone's liking? Pets hear everything and have access to every corner of the house. So they would be super agents. And without risk of complaints.

If there was finally a Spanish Toco, what name would we give it? As things stand, perhaps it would be really cool if it were called Déjà vu. The current political climate increasingly resembles that of 2005 and 2006, when the PP launched the collection of signatures against the Catalan Statute, which was finally severed by the Constitutional Court. That gave rise to the rise of the independence movement, which ended up taking us to today, when people once again talk about an amnesty in Spain as if we were in the 70s of the last century. Yes, Déjà vu is an ideal name (even if it is of French origin, for that matter, we appropriate it and Spanishize it).

This Déjà vu is so clear that we even seem to see old political glories on TV (again) every now and then, like Alfonso Guerra (who already said that "We have brushed off the Statute"), Felipe González ( Surely he was the leader of the PSOE in his younger years?), José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero (proposed as mediator for the negotiation of the amnesty law) and, even, the star of the Azores photo, José María Aznar.

The latter, who still makes a fool of himself when someone reminds him if he already knows where the (supposed) weapons of mass destruction that caused the invasion of Iraq are, once again shakes the thunder box, this time, with the excuse of (alleged) amnesty that could be applied to the independentistas in exchange for endorsing the (also alleged) investiture of Pedro Sánchez. He has called to participate in a public event, in Madrid, on the weekend of September 23. It will be a civic mobilization, according to the PP.

What has not yet emerged is whether kisses (and hugs) will be allowed or only shouts against Puigdemont and company. What a Déjà vu! We must be grateful because Aznar returns to the fore, because he takes years off our shoulders when he takes us back in time. It makes us want to conquer the islet of Perejil again.

The truth is that the current leader of the PP, Alberto Núñez Feijóo, will appear at his investiture on September 26, three days after the new "coven of the right" promulgated by Aznar, as left-wing commentators would say. In a context in which speed is confused with bacon like never before, can anyone really ensure that Feijóo does not end up receiving the votes of some turncoat deputies from the PSOE?... But let's not advance events.

Today, in honor of the fact that the co-official languages ​​will be able to be spoken in the Congress of Deputies, we are going to say a doggy goodbye in Spanish (Wow, wow!) and in Catalan (Bup, bup!).