“Leaving home was like uncovering a pressure cooker. A lot of tension was released, both for me and for the rest of the family. I don't know how many years of life I have left, but I want to spend them in peace, ”says Vicente (this is not his real name), about to become a sixty-year-old. After a few months of little sleep, losing weight, and "spending as much time as possible out of the house, walking and thinking," he made a decision that had been slowly cooking for at least five years.
"So far we have come. We have not known how to work as a team, ”she told the mother of her children and her partner for about 30 years a little over a month ago. After a few days, a friend of hers helped her take her things and notified her children via WhatsApp message that she would no longer return home. Since then, she explains, she has recovered her sleep and has even gained a few kilos. “I take it very well. I'm quiet. There is no tension anymore, ”she says.
Antonia (57) also took a long time to end her marriage of 31 years. “I wanted to part ways for a long time. But there were always excuses to delay it: either because my children were small, and I thought it would hurt them or that I would have to share custody, or because my husband was unemployed... When I turned 56, I said: 'If I don't do it now I never do it'. She had many anxiety attacks. I felt like my time was up,” she explains.
“I discovered that life does not end after fifty years. I think it is one of the best decisions I have made in my life”, says Antonia, almost two years later, and indicates: “I am enjoying a new and exciting life. I have opened up to new relationships. I changed my job from 21 years ago, which I didn't like." Last summer, she explains, she rode a jet ski for the first time with a friend. “I found myself able to do things I didn't think I could,” she says.
Theirs are not isolated cases. “In the last decade, the number of people who divorce at older ages has increased considerably. If in 2013 only 27% of divorces in Spain were over 50 years old, in 2021 they were almost 40%, according to the INE”, says Xavier Roigé, professor of Social Anthropology at the University of Barcelona. The expert indicates that the term 'gray divorce' -which refers to gray hair-, "is a name that is popularly used" to talk about divorces from the age of 50 onwards, although he clarifies that "we find very different situations depending on the group age, social class and gender.
Specifically, according to official statistics, between 2013 and 2021, divorces in which the wife was between 50 and 59 years old increased by 36%; 41% in which she was between 60 and 69 years old; and there was a double (56% increase) in cases among women who were 70 years of age or older. The data is significantly lower in men: divorces in which the husband was between 50 and 59 years old grew by 25%; from 60 to 69, 31%, and from 70 or more they were a little more than double (51% more). “It is not the same when they are 50 or 60 years old, than when they are 70 or 80. They are very different life circumstances”, explains the professor and points out: “Although a divorce at fifty is not that different from one at forty, yes, it is less socially expected”.
This is how the family lawyer Elena Crespo observes it. “Before, lawyers hardly saw divorces from people who were 60, 65 or even 70 years old and now there are more and more,” she says. “There has been a pretty significant increase. People are separating older than before. I have even had cases involving grandparents”, agrees Esther Fernández Lucas who, in addition to being a family lawyer for more than 25 years, is also co-founder of the Divorce Club, a group that organizes meetings -“dinners, drinks, excursions, movies” - through the Meetup app in Barcelona.
Why do more and more people decide to leave their partner after fifty? For psychologist Sheila Estévez, "The fact that we live longer makes it easier to recalculate coordinates so as not to get lost in a bond that has become obsolete over the years, either because we have not known how to take care of ourselves or because we really what was has already ceased to exist. We are constantly evolving and many times we grow in opposite directions”.
“We have the longest life expectancy rates in the world. We live longer and, therefore, there are more possibilities of sharing a long career with another person”, says the anthropologist Xavier Roigé. “In addition, they are people who have grown up with new ideas about what marriage means, especially those who were born in the 1960s or 1970s. They have grown older in a society where there is a higher frequency of divorce at all ages, ”he argues.
“A person of 55 or 60 years old today is not the same as it was 15 or 20 years ago,” says Fernández Lucas, and explains: “70% of us at the Divorce Club are women. What is heard a lot is this 'I can't take it anymore. I have played a woman, a mother, a housewife. Now I need time for myself.'” For Xavier Roigé, in addition to the economic independence of the spouses and the fact that the children no longer live at home, there are other reasons that are associated with gender: "In men it is more justified to want to live new experiences, while women tend to wanting to free themselves from the pressures they experienced due to conventional family models”.
“You get into an increasingly strong monotony. It is always the same and there is nothing that motivates you anymore. The two of us were alone a lot, we didn't see other people”, explains Antonia. For Vicente, “the fact of growing in different directions does not have to be a bad thing, but if there is no dialogue and trust, it is very difficult. We did family therapy and it didn't work."
Although it may have seemed unexpected to their partners, they did not act on impulse. “In my experience, it is not a decision to be taken lightly. Sometimes years go by from the first consultation with a client until the decision is made”, explains the lawyer Elena Crespo. “There are people who take a long time. They are many years of relationship. You have children, friends and a common home. Giving up all that and starting from scratch is a very big risk. There are people who put up with the unspeakable so as not to accept it,” says Xavier, co-founder of the Divorce Club.
“As time goes by, you get more and more afraid of making that decision. We have a mentality according to which after 55 years there is little left to do”, says Antonia. “Years ago I valued the idea of divorce, but I would have had to face a very high pension. The numbers did not give. It remained to keep quiet and endure”, explains Vicente. His children are of legal age. “Finally, last summer I saw it clear,” she says. He consulted with a lawyer and in a few months he took the step.
Different factors can motivate a decision of this type, says Sheila Estévez. In addition to the fact that the children are older, that there is economic independence for women and men, "which gives them the possibility of choosing to leave or stay in the built life project" and social changes. “Today it is something that is not penalized when before it was not considered as an option”, she indicates.
However, he clarifies that "the direct or indirect reason is unhappiness, loss of motivation, sadness, apathy and the feeling of emptiness." When making the decision -he indicates-, it is important to be clear that the reasons for this discomfort are "within the couple and not outside", and that taking this step can enhance their current best version.
"Many people make the decision to separate when the children are no longer so dependent or when they reach the age of majority, to avoid the issue of guardianships and custody," says Fernández Lucas. In his experience, many of these divorces "are done directly at the notary, without having to go through a court."
"Although I made the decision, the divorce was mutually agreed," says Antonia, adding: "My ex-husband made it very easy for me. Although at first it was difficult for him, but we talked a lot. In the end he helped me make the move and in everything he could. I will always thank you." However, many marriages do not end well.
"It's very hard when things end at this age," says Maria, who got married when she was 25 and today, 30 years later, is in the middle of the divorce process. “You try to reach an agreement. In our case, it was not possible. We have been filing for divorce for more than two years, ”she says. Meanwhile, she and her ex-husband live in the same house. At first she -she explains- she took it very badly. “He did things to provoke me into leaving home. But I decided to stay and hang in there,” she says.
The problems started when he decided to retire. The two had spent 25 years in the family business. “He did not handle retirement well and he focused all that discomfort on me. He began to reproach me for having lived at his expense. To tell me that everything was his. I didn't understand what was happening. We had always had a good marriage. I tried all the ways, we did therapy, but nothing worked. I already decided to stop fighting”, explains Maria.
"In retirement there is a certain increase in divorces, because a new way of living is faced, with other times of coexistence for the couple, and tensions emerge that perhaps did not exist before, when they spent the day working outside the home", explains the anthropologist Xavier Roigé and adds: “It is usually more difficult for men to accept retirement. Many go on to be at home but continue without collaborating in domestic chores, which makes the inequalities on this plane more evident”.
Lola (64) got divorced for the first time in the 80's, when she was 28 years old. “It was very different. Now divorce is much more accepted ”, she assures. After discovering that her second husband was unfaithful, she waited until their common daughter turned fifteen to separate again. “I stretched the situation to see if it was fixed by my daughter. But things were getting worse and worse, ”she says.
"Although divorce is normalized in all stages of life, we must not forget that in the end it is an impoverishment for many people," says the lawyer Elena Crespo, adding: "It not only has an impact on an emotional level, because many Sometimes it means leaving behind a whole shared life, but also financial. Expenses increase and income decreases. It is not the same to maintain a house with two payrolls, than two separate houses”.
In her experience, she has observed that "despite the incorporation of women into the world of work, there are still many who have taken reduced working hours or have stopped working to dedicate themselves to caring for their children and who, when they are older, find themselves without income." and in a situation of economic vulnerability”. In these cases, she -indicates-, what is often claimed is a compensatory pension for life. “When I got divorced, I did part-time. I have cried a lot because the money did not arrive. My mother has lent me a cable”, says Lola.
“At all ages, divorce involves a series of family readjustments, housing, relationships with children and expenses. All this is more bearable for the classes with greater economic possibilities. For the least favored, it usually means a situation of greater impoverishment. It is not the same if they both work, if there is income, if there is a house already paid for", points out Professor Xavier Roigé and adds: "In general, it is more difficult for women, because there are still differences in income. In many cases, economic hardship can be a deterrent.”
However, the expert clarifies that "although women tend to have greater economic difficulties, they generally have stronger family, social and friendship networks, which allows them to better cope with this situation."
What is it like to face a divorce at this stage of life? "It gives you the feeling that you are already very old," says Lola and adds: "You say: 'What will I do?' But you can't be living for years with a person who is crushing you and makes you unhappy. Nobody owns anybody. That is not life. We have not come here to suffer but to learn”. Antonia agrees: “If your marriage is bad, it's worth trying other things. For me, it has been rediscovering myself”.
“I went into a very big depression”, indicates Maria and adds: “Going to therapy helped me a lot, because after 30 years together the emotional bond is very strong. I still have a ways to go. What worries me the most about the new situation is getting sick or something happening to me and finding myself alone”.
“Because of how the couple and the family evolved, I always knew that, one way or another, I was going to feel and be alone in old age. To be alone, I prefer to be alone and calm, ”says Vicente, although he clarifies that not everything is easy. “My children are hurt and don't want to talk to me, except for one of them. I suppose it is normal, since they must be mourning ”, he indicates.
Even if they are older, divorce can be an emotional blow to children. Víctor Herrera's mother (35) decided to rebuild her life seven years ago, well over fifty. “It was very sudden. My parents had been together for over thirty years. From one day to the next, my mother told my father that she had been talking to someone else and that she was leaving home, ”she explains. Today she lives with her new partner in León.
Víctor Herrera's mother (35) decided to rebuild her life seven years ago, when she was 52. “It was very sudden. My parents had been together for over thirty years. From one day to the next, my mother told my father that she had been talking to someone else and that she was leaving home, ”she explains. Today she lives with her new partner in León.
He experienced his parents' divorce as a rupture. “My brothers and I had a good relationship with my mother. Not now", says Herrera", he explains and adds: "No one has to be with a person if they no longer love them or if love has ended, but you cannot make such a drastic decision and leave a person alone in a day to another My father didn't know how to cook, or wash clothes, or pay the gas bill. With my sister-in-law we had to teach her to do everything. It would have been better to speak it well and lean on the family ”.
“Sharing the change of stage with loved ones, family and friends helps to sustain oneself in difficult moments on an emotional level”, says Sheila Estévez. "It is always important to try to reach a friendly, fair and balanced agreement, where both parties can be satisfied," says lawyer Elena Crespo. If this is not possible, the recommendation of the psychologist Sheila Estévez is "that a professional mediate, to work on being able to close this stage of life emotionally and logistically as well as possible."
For the women interviewed, joining the Divorce Club meetings allowed them to start building a new social life on their own. “It is a wonderful group. There is a very good vibe. People don't go there to flirt but to have a good time”, explains Lola and adds: “At first you feel that you are very old, but later you realize that there is life. People keep going out and making new friends.”
“The first phase of mourning is the hardest because you have to start over. Then you move on to another one where you discover that there is a lot to do and that you can even have a good time”, says Xavier. “Although divorce is the end of a stage, life goes on. There is life after divorce”, says Esther Fernández Lucas.
