Is living is losing?
Yes, we come to this life to lose. But it is from loss and pain that we truly draw who we are.
What is losing?
It's something I had and no longer have, but also something I wanted and never got, like a child or job success; and it affects the mind and emotions hard.
Does every loss require grief?
Yes, losing hurts and that pain puts you into something called grief. Until then you can't choose, but then, in the process, yes: either I grow with what is happening to me and I work through it, or I avoid it, I pretend it didn't happen and I fill myself with emotional garbage.
Why if you try to avoid the pain of grief do you fill yourself with emotional garbage?
Life is a sea. You want to avoid one wave, but here comes another, and another, and there comes a time when you are so exhausted that a wave rolls over you. The pain accumulates.
Does pain await you?
What you don't face weakens you. What you look at in front of you will make you stronger. There are no shortcuts, but there are false paths like drugs, working too much, sex... But at night, when it comes to closing your eyes, the mind shows you your pain.
And we somatize.
Of course, not only the mind cries, but also the body. Gastritis, colitis, all itis are telling you something. It is proven that emotions intensify them.
What can we do for ourselves?
People say that we feel things but it is not true. We escape with our favorite escape: networks, the gym, alcohol... Sit and feel what is happening in your life, and this requires action to accommodate the emotion.
The action of facing pain?
The first thing is to take a position: what happened to me is not going to destroy me, I want it to build me up. Instead of resisting (what you resist, persists), he looks the pain in the face because it is there for you to grow, he is a teacher who teaches his lessons in a very strong way.
Dr. Kübler-Ross talks about the five stages of grief.
Each case will go through denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance. These stages are not gone through linearly even once. Grief is more like a plate of spaghetti than a well-charted path.
If we don't do it well, do we stay angry?
Yes, and you can stay angry for years, wearing yourself out because nothing unites you more with a person than anger, not even love. Staying angry because someone has left, or has betrayed you, whatever the situation may be, is going to leave you stuck.
Love and pain, interesting.
One thing is pain and another is love. And when these become intertwined, the work of mourning is to separate them, stay with love and let go of the pain. When you don't let go of the pain it's because you believe that love and pain are the same.
Give me an example.
Someone tells me: “I'm going to mourn my mother for the rest of my life.” And I say to him: “And why don't you love her for the rest of your life?”
And that anger that comes out at the wheel?
It's sadness. The thing is that sadness and fury are dressed as each other, they are the same, nothing more than when expressing anger I feel safer, because rage is energetic and sadness is languid.
Sadness is very lonely.
That's why we put on the suit of fury. That monster that comes out is unresolved grief: I carry all my sadness.
How to deal with that accumulated anger, that feeling that life owes you something?
Remembering that for life to take something from us it is because it first gave it to you. They are cycles and cycles end. Would you have preferred not to have him or not know him? We have to locate ourselves: endings are not written in a different notebook, they are part of the same notebook of life.
We forget.
When you accept something, you accept both sides of the coin. But we believe we deserve the good and we tend to overreact to the bad.
TRUE.
I can't go around the world burdening everyone with my unhappiness and frustration. What am I adding to this banquet of life, more anger, more rage, more frustration?”
How to drain that anger?
There are three essential paths. Intentional physical exercise: sitting and feeling how I am today... Distressed? Alright, I'm going to pedal the angst. I'm sad? I'm going to walk my sadness. What you feel, let it out.
Interesting.
And lowering the amount of refined sugar we consume helps. It's amazing how sadness feeds on sugar. And talk, willing to have that uncomfortable conversation.
