“After spending six years alone at home, my peace of mind was broken a bit. I had to go back to a familiar routine”, says Mari Carmen, 70 years old. Since her husband died, she lived on her own in her apartment in Sant Joan Despí. In February of this year, her daughter Vanesa Pérez (44) returned to live in her family home, after separating after fifteen years of relationship.
The routine of the house changed. “Although she makes her life and I make mine, it is not the same. We write to each other to let us know when we leave or return, for example”, explains Mari Carmen. Housework also increased. “When it comes to preparing meals, we are two people. I went from putting one or, at most, two washing machines a week, to putting one every day, ”says Mari Carmen, although she clarifies:“ It's those little things. The important thing is to be able to support her in everything she can ”.
“The return of older children to the home supposes a very important challenge for the parents. Normally they have entered - or are doing - a period of retirement. They are now freed from professional burdens and also from the parenting tasks they assumed when having children", points out the psychologist and professor at the University of Barcelona Mila Arch and adds: "Their vital perspective is usually focused on enjoying this final period of life and in a calm and relaxed daily life. The return of the son or daughter means having to once again assume daily obligations that they no longer had.
“I tell her that she doesn't have to cook for me, but she alone assumes those motherly things. She takes care of me, ”says Vanesa. For Mari Carmen this is not negotiable. "How am I not going to make food for him? Not that she was a stranger, ”she replies.
Before -says Mari Carmen- Vanesa's room was "always prepared, well put, with its little cork and its little cushion". When her daughter told her that she would return to live at home, Mari Carmen had to "empty a lot of drawers and put everything in boxes in her storage room to make room for her."
She has to restrain herself from tidying up Vanessa's room every time she goes out to work. She “she Gets up very early to leave and doesn't want to be touched. So I leave her as she is. If I do air it out, I sometimes straighten the sheets a bit. If she has clothes hanging I'll pick them up and if I have time I'll fold them for her. Then she keeps it for herself”, explains Mari Carmen.
The return of the older children to the family home implies a great change in the panorama of their parents. “In many cases, they have already mourned the empty nest, they are alone and in the process of meeting again as a person or also as a couple. Maybe they were already enjoying a new honeymoon and the son's room had already been turned into a gym," says Esther Camacho, psychogerontologist and secretary of the Aging Psychology Group of the Spanish Society of Geriatrics and Gerontology.
“In addition, they find a son who is emotionally affected by a separation. Most of the divorces take place between the ages of 40 and 49 or between the ages of 50 and 59, so they are usually children who have already had a journey. Many already have children”, assesses the expert and warns that: “When there are grandchildren, the situation can be even more complex. Although spending time together can be very beneficial for both grandchildren and grandparents, in many cases they go from seeing them perhaps on weekends to suddenly having to play an almost parenting role. Not everyone wants to act as caregivers, cook again, take care of homework, pick them up from school or even take charge of the economic cost of meals.
Are more and more people returning to the family home after separating? From the National Institute of Statistics (INE), they indicate by email to La Vanguardia that there are no data that allow us to know what percentage of people return to their parents' house after their divorce or separation.
The results of the 2021 Population and Housing Census do allow us to observe the percentages of people who live with a parent, in the age ranges where -according to the INE's Statistics on Annulments, Separations and Divorces- the largest number of divorces and separations, which is 40 to 49 years. The census data show that they are 14.8% of people between 40 and 44 years old and 11.85% of those between 45 and 49.
“We are in a situation of prolonging the stay of young people with their parents. Coexistence within the family home of the son or daughter with their partner has even been accepted more frequently. This is something that used to be very rare”, points out the sociologist and honorary professor at the Complutense University of Madrid Jesús Leal Maldonado.
“Emancipation is not always final. Many times it is a process that has its twists and turns, where perhaps the child lives with the partner but continues to go to eat or wash clothes at his parents' house, or can even return to the parents' home after a separation ” , says the expert: “With the increasing difficulty of accessing a home or renting a property, this type of round-trip process or return-to-home-of-origin situation may have increased. We do not have data, but it is possible that it is more frequent, ”he adds.
“At first, I did need to be with my mother. But if I had money, I would not have returned to live with her”, explains Vanesa. “In the end -he continues- you return to your parents' house out of necessity, it is not an option you choose. It is not fair that people who are alone cannot access a home”.
The apartment where Vanesa previously lived with her ex-partner was owned by him. “Going back to my single room was hard. It is to start over. You think: What have I done wrong? Thanks to my therapist I was able to see things differently. I know that I will be able to rent my apartment and become independent”, says Vanesa, who entered the raffle to gain access to a social apartment without luck.
In turn, the sociologist points out that, in cases of separation, when there are no children in common, it is more likely that the wife of the couple will return to her parents' house for a period while, "when there are already descendants, although It depends a lot on each situation, it is more common for the woman to stay at home in charge of the children and the spouse, in case of not being able to settle independently, look for another alternative, such as sharing a flat. It is very rare for her to go back to her parents' house”.
David, Vanessa's current partner, has lived with his 87-year-old mother since they divorced in 2019, when he was 45 and his son was 11 years old. His father had passed away a few months before he returned to the family home. David has joint custody of his son, who is 15 years old today and spends two to three days a week with him.
“I went to my mother's apartment because it is the only one I could go to. With my ex-partner we lived in a rental apartment and in turn we had bought an apartment with a mortgage, which was rented by another person. There was room in my mother's house, she was alone and it was the first thing that occurred to me, ”David explains for his part and clarifies that he plans to continue in this situation until he can sign the divorce papers with his ex-partner.
“When she was left alone, my mother appreciated the company. I moved into her house just before the pandemic. I was during her confinement with her. She took care of her so that she didn't catch COVID, she went shopping, many things… ”, David maintains, although he points out: “She is very dry and not very affectionate. I also have my character and we have many clashes when it comes to living together. What happens is that, between the hours that I spend working and doing other things outside the home, we don't spend much time together.
“Yes, when I'm not working, maybe we eat together, watch a program on TV, talk. On weekends, when my son comes, we do a bit of a family plan", says David: "We have never had a conversation about saying 'here they have breakfast at such and such a time or eat at such another'. We have been adapting above all to it. I have gotten used to their schedules. Logically, because it is his house ”, he adds.
For the psychologist Mila Arch, "it is clear that it is the children who have to make an effort to adapt to the return home of their parents." "These are already in a different vital moment and, no matter how much effort they put in, it is clear that it is not an expected situation, although it is becoming more and more so," says Arch.
For the children who return home -says the expert- "it can be devastating. In many cases, these are people who became independent many years ago. Returning to their parents' house usually entails an experience of vital failure. Likewise, they must return to assume daily rules that, normally, are already very distant to them, for which reason they anticipate a significant lack of freedom.
“I have the independence to lead my life, but there is this thing of having to tell her: ‘Mom, today I will not eat or sleep again. She suddenly corrects me or explains how to do things that I have already done for fifteen years alone. It's like a trip back in time, ”says Vanesa. For her, the key to reducing short-circuits that may arise in coexistence is "lots of mutual patience."
Since she has her daughter at home, Mari Carmen feels more secure. “At night I am no longer alone. Before I had installed an alarm, because I was afraid that someone would jump and enter through the balcony. Now I am accompanied ”, she comments. Her daughter also assists her with technological devices. I am anti technology. I don't know how to get into the Internet much. She puts me on my series and explains how everything works ”, she assures.
“This coexistence can be an opportunity to strengthen that relationship and certain knowledge. Children who are at home can take advantage of that time to teach their parents how to use Netflix or do mobile banking procedures, for example. They can also help with expenses and housework so that their parents don't feel that their house is a hotel”, says Esther Camacho and points out: “It is important that there is communication and that it is always clear that the house belongs to them and that, therefore, their rules, schedules, routines and idiosyncrasies must be respected”.
