Do you fight with your partner? Even though you love each other, do you have the feeling that love sometimes doesn't fix everything? Are your sexual encounters not as you imagined or do they not occur as frequently as you would like? You're not alone. In fact, it is very normal because that ideal fairy tale relationship that they have sold us is a cliché. The psychologist and sexologist Laura Morán dismantles the universal myths of romantic love, sexuality and life as a couple in her latest book 'Perfectamente imperfectas' (Planetadelibros). In this interview with La Vanguardia she shares the keys to success for an imperfect but happy relationship.
Why 'Perfectly imperfect'?
They have explained to us an idea of romantic love according to which if it is true love, if it is 'your true partner', there will never be problems or love will be enough to overcome them. What I wanted to convey is that couples work perfectly well being imperfect. For a relationship to work or be valid it does not have to be perfect.
What problems have myths of romantic love entailed for today's couples?
I believe that it has sometimes led us to be too demanding and not very tolerant when it comes to facing difficulties as a couple, which can arise from a lot of issues; becoming parents, starting to live together, economic difficulties, the influence or interference of political families, etc. This, logically, leads to disagreements and sometimes serious problems or conflicts. But thinking that couples have to solve everything, that they don't have to argue or that they have to constantly agree often leads us to question whether our partner is the right one, to doubt whether our partner is working when in reality it is.
What are the keys to the success of a happy and lasting couple?
That question is like the search for the Holy Grail (laughs). There are as many formulas as there are couples, I would dare say. That is also a bit what I try to capture in the book. Scientific evidence tells us that there are many ways it can work. However, couples that don't work often encounter the same difficulties.
There are key ingredients that are repeated in all relationships: there has to be a level of satisfaction for each member (that is, being part of the duo makes you feel satisfied even if it is not all the time, because that is impossible); also having the certainty that being on that team helps you grow, develop, and achieve your goals (that your partner is not an obstacle, but a facilitator); and that there is trust, that feeling of being able to lean on the other even if they cannot solve your problems, but that you can comment on it, share your dreams, etc.
And for all these elements to occur, there needs to be good communication. This doesn't mean talking a lot. Sometimes to the gen. He thinks: “well, now it's five hours of couch time.” It is not so much the time we spend talking but rather that when we communicate, it is effective.
You say communicating is key... is love also key?
Love is as important as rice in paella. That is to say, it is an essential and defining element, but it is not the only one we need for love to translate into a functional couple. Since rice is not the only thing we need to make a good paella.
And sex would be another of those ingredients, would it be like the gambit?
It would be like the lobster (he responds laughing). Indeed, sex is important, but not for all couples. The problem with sex lies in whether there is symmetry in desire or in the importance that both members of the couple give to them. There are couples who do not have traditional sexual relations: there is no intercourse, no orgasms or anything... And yet they are comfortable because neither of them gives value to that, like two people who do not hike... Is hiking essential? for the relationship? Well, if neither of them cares, no. Now, if one of the two wants to go hiking and the other doesn't, that asymmetry would be what can generate some conflict. Well, the same thing about sex.
In my opinion the issue is important not so much because of sex itself, but because of what it means for the couple; It means that you save some time to be a couple in which nothing or no one else interferes. It is also a time dedicated to an activity that is in principle satisfactory in which you share pleasure, generosity, fun, complicity. That, what sex means, is necessary for a couple.
In your experience, are there few people who don't give importance to sex?
Yes, yes, little. Sex is the main demand for relationship problems. Furthermore, the caricature in heterosexual couples is usually that he wants it and she doesn't. This situation is very obvious. I think that on a social level we have a misinterpretation of male sexual desire. We have the idea that men are something like bonobos in heat who what they want is to empty the eggs that are full of love and that anyone will do. Many times, when he demands sex from his partner, they feel used because they think they only want to fuck. And it's not true.
What is true is that, in general, men connect much more easily with women through sexual intimacy, while we connect better through conversation or shared activities. And when that works, when there is nothing that stresses us, when we feel confident, that is when we want to have sex. Going at the wrong time is what makes the sexual encounter difficult.
We do not adequately order the satisfaction of desires; He may have carnal desires to share himself physically and she may have desires to connect, to feel loved, even desired... But to feel desired we do not need a penis inside the vagina. Maybe what we need is a caress on the hair, a kiss or a blink. So, if he first caresses me, blinks, and he tells me that he loves me a lot, then I already lubricate, but if the first thing he does is put it in me, then it's bad.
So, would you advise “scheduling” the time to have sex?
I do not propose to my patients to schedule the time to have sex, but I do suggest scheduling the time to be a couple. This is a bit like going to sleep. You don't normally say “I go to sleep at 11pm”. You say “at 11pm I go to bed, turn off the light, read for a while with a warm temperature”… That is, you generate the conditions that lead you to sleep.
With the issue of scheduling sexual encounters it is similar. There are many people who say "it's just that I don't like the fact that you have to fuck on Saturday at 5pm...". And of course, it's not that. It means that on Saturday at 5 p.m. we put on a blanket and a movie, or we take a nap curled up, or we open a bottle of wine and start talking about our day or planning our vacation... Whatever it is, finding moments that make you happy. They can induce that intimacy that leads you to sex.
What role does jealousy play in relationships?
The topic of jealousy is discussed a lot in consultation. We have been taught that jealousy is the measure of love. That is to say, if you don't feel them, you don't love me enough. But on the other hand, if you are jealous, now according to the networks you are a toxic person. I encourage people to know that jealousy is a totally normal human emotion, like being in love or hating your neighbor. You may feel jealous. What we have to work on as a couple is what we do with them: how we manage them, why they appear, in what way our partner contributes to awakening them, even if it is unintentionally.
Can you choose who you fall in love with?
No, I hope so (laughs). Well, I think not. Falling in love is an emotion and you have emotions. If I hate someone, I hate them, I can't choose them... I can choose not to kill them, or not to hit them, or not to make them sluts. What we can try to control is our behavior associated with that emotion. But when we fall in love, we can't control it; nor from whom, nor how, nor when. The only thing we can control is whether to feed that emotion or not.
What are the most common relationship problems?
Having children is the first by far, because everything changes. Also domestic tasks and the famous mental load; political families. And of course sexual life, which usually translates into that asymmetry in desire: one wants more sex than the other. And there can be various causes: it can be an individual difficulty for someone because they have had a terrible sexual education or because they have been a victim of abuse in their childhood. Or for much more mundane issues: she may be angry because he is always on her mother-in-law's side and then she doesn't feel like having sex because she doesn't feel accompanied, understood or protected by her partner... so how does she feel? is she going to want her?
And related to all this, there is also a lot of demand for therapy for infidelity issues. It is quite frequent.
What do you think of pornography?
Ugh, great song... (sighs). Pornography, from my point of view, is another sexual stimulus for the couple, such as cinema or erotic literature, seeing nude paintings, photographs... It is not negative per se. Another thing is under what legal or working conditions this pornography is produced. I am referring to issues such as exploitation. We would have to find how to regulate them. And then, of course, the exposure of minors to pornography. That does have to be controlled.
What relationship and sexual problems does pornography cause?
The problem is that there is no sexual education that teaches you that it is fiction. When I was little and we played Superman at school I remember they told us “you can't jump out the window because you don't fly.” Porn as if no one explained to us that Marvel is fiction. There are kids reproducing fantastical behaviors, as if you saw a war movie and believed that you could plant bombs there.
When you are little, everyone tells you “hitting is wrong, killing is wrong, you can't fly, you don't have a spider web in your hand to jump between buildings”; But nowadays no one tells you that you shouldn't insult a girl if she doesn't want to; or that you shouldn't pull her hair if she doesn't want to; or that you shouldn't suffocate her while you are making love if she doesn't want to... Nobody talks about this to the boys and the only reference to it is porn. This happens with kids today.
But is it very different from the porn of before?
In previous generations, 90s porn for example, American porn in particular, there were endless scenes of penetration. I haven't seen more boring porn. Therefore, these people who are now thirty-something or forty-something believe that they have to spend 35 minutes drilling their partner with an erect penis that measures 25 centimeters. And of course, they come to the consultation with a complex because they don't last.
I remember a patient who told me that he was a premature ejaculator because he only lasted 20 minutes. and I say... but 20 minutes of what, darling? (counts between laughs); He replied that penetrating and I told him that this is how fire was invented! (…) This boy came to two sessions because as soon as he realized that it was not necessary to spend so much time like this and asked his partner how he orgasmed, they solved it.
