Paella is the only complex dish in the universal rice cuisine that carries out all its processes in the same container, from beginning to end, where it is even eaten in it. A technique that requires years of experience and learning. Paella is designed for one person to make. With the passage of time, this very basic premise has fallen into oblivion, distorting the importance of the cook, assigning unnecessary assistants in tasks such as controlling the fire, testing the level of salt, acting as a waiter or keeping the cook well stocked with beer. .
From now on I hope that the limits that can be crossed and those that cannot be crossed are clear.
1. Paella is a thing for one, and not for twenty-one. The “mestre paeller or mestra paellera”, from now on MP, is the sole person responsible for raising resources, planning and executing the paella. This avoids forgetting ingredients or inaccuracies in quantities. Everything is under his responsibility, from start to finish, so it requires maximum concentration. Any attempt to distract the MP should be considered disrespectful, as it jeopardizes the final quality of the food that everyone will eat.
2. Precautionary measures to avoid the approach of dilatory characters and false collaborators.
As soon as it begins, the MP must ask all attendees to approach level zero, where the paella is on the fire with the oil level and very hot. Already in the Middle Ages this was used in castles as an element against sieges. Well, no point of comparison as a defensive weapon, when pouring Mercadona's mutant chicken into the oil of a paella at 180ºC. Splashes can reach a distance of 4 meters in all directions. Between crashing, flares and sizzling, a security perimeter sufficient to discourage most intruders from gossiping will be established. But we must not let our guard down, the enemy is persistent. In that case you have to have a very cool head and send whoever is left to get ice. Another option is to send to collect small firewood in the mountains, which is very entertaining and saves time. After clearing the area of intruders we continued with the stir-fry. We start from the premise that we are making a wood-fired paella in the house.
3. Be careful with the brother-in-law who joins the paella late! The one who arrives cheerful because he is the one who usually acts as MP, but today he had to take his son to soccer and his sister's husband took charge. Attention! He will try to take control with tricks like: Do you want to go to the bathroom... to say hello to the family? Are you overwhelmed, can I give you a hand? Damn, you're hot! Go take a dip in the pool!
Indifference must be shown. It is absolutely essential not to answer, nor to look at the person's face. That way you'll know what's there. To the enemy, no conversation. No matter, even though he leaves muttering: What the hell is wrong with this guy? What have you given him? Look, he had a choice of my sister and he caught the dumbest guy in the neighborhood!
We must be aware that from that moment on the brother-in-law will no longer participate in the process and will try by all means to discredit the final result, finding problems until we get bored. Patience, we are still in charge.
4. If you are clear about the water level and the amount of rice, go full steam ahead!
It is important to be focused, to do this you have to do two things, disconnect your cell phone, or at least the family WhatsApp, and turn a deaf ear to any comments or murmurs, such as:
- The water must be at the level of the nails
- Where is the liver?
- Two kilos?... It seems like a lot of rice for so little broth...
- What are you doing burning the saffron? It's already toasted! Have you tried infusing it?
- They say that cooking depends on the variety of rice, nonsense, I always use the same brand...
- How is the salt?... Keep in mind that the rice absorbs the sodium chloride and will be bland. Good cooks put a lot of salt. Qui cuina salat, cuina p’al gat.
- The first 5 minutes after adding the rice, the heat on full, then soft...
- Apply the saying: To rice and gazpacho, drunken fire!
- If I see the rabbit's head, you'll hear me! Why do you put it? For your mother!
- Don't you smell burnt?... Quick, remove the embers from the center and let it rest, cover it with Las Provincias, pour a little water on it! Where is there newsprint… if no one buys the press? Well kitchen roll! Noooo, the little broth that's left is sucked away!
These are those final moments of uncertainty and tension when people come back to take a look and gather around the paella. There the MP has a really bad time. It is not frequent, but if the result is bad, it sounds like: “See, if you had listened to me when I told you…”
I'm not inventing anything, you can see it in this graphic document, where two great MPs like Juan Carlos Galbis and José Zafra, try to make a paella without invading each other's territory. The result is fantastic despite the tension that is felt. Lucky to have been there and be able to attest to it.
You see, each teacher has his or her booklet, but the Valencians don't have a booklet, they theorize without notes, from memory and in memory of their elders. That's why we like the fruit of those who laugh at our attitude towards paella.
Once finished and rested, you can enjoy it in the same container, but for that you will need to read: Manual for eating paella.
