They emerged with the intention of warning about profiles of toxic men, but they have evolved to become a therapeutic space for women in the digital age of love. “We matched and we spent several months talking, he seemed very interested, until I found out that he said exactly the same thing to all the girls he talked to,” María (this is not her real name) explains to La Vanguardia.
It was then that, overcome by the frustration of feeling like she had wasted her time with “another narcissist,” she decided to join a Facebook group called Are we dating the same guy? on the recommendation of a friend. (Are we dating the same guy?). “You can consider yourself unfortunate but when you enter these groups and see what happens to people you say 'damn, nothing has happened to me in comparison'.”
These groups exist in various countries around the world and are organized by cities. Although they are under different names, they have a total of more than three million members and are almost a registered trademark. Its main purpose, as noted in its description, is to be a platform where women can warn each other about “dangerous” profiles they come across on dating applications. “Once we read the story of a girl who had been dating a boy for four months who then got her pregnant and disappeared,” María recalls. “How can you be with a person for four months and disappear? “The girl put up a post describing what had happened to her and uploaded a photo of him.”
The content published in these groups is private and to be admitted, it is necessary to complete a prior questionnaire. “I wanted to see what other girls' experiences were like and it also seemed like a good way to stay united and safe,” explains Samanta (she prefers to use a fictitious name to protect her identity). She created one of the groups that currently exist in Barcelona. “In my experience, I find that dating men you meet through dating apps is riskier.”
A report published by the Young Women Federation, based on interviews with users registered on Tinder (the most used application in Spain), revealed that 21.7% of women who use this application have suffered some sexual assault with violence during their encounters. . Furthermore, three out of four admit to having felt pressured to have sexual relations. “Some women in the group have shared very strong stories, from sexually transmitted diseases, to abuse, deception or abandonment,” reveals Samanta.
The first group of Are we dating the same guy? (Are We Dating the Same Guy?) was created two years ago in New York but its popularity skyrocketed this year, after an incident in Chicago. Nikko D'Ambrosio, a 31-year-old man, sued 27 women, Meta (Facebook) and other social media companies. He is seeking more than $75,000 in damages after seeing that his photo appeared in the group along with negative comments calling him “clingy” and “psychopathic.” In the lawsuit, D'Ambrosio claimed to have been subjected to defamation and doxxing (the act of exposing a person's confidential and private information online) and argued that these groups “allow women to anonymously discuss and disparage men with whom they who have allegedly had unsatisfactory dating experiences, without independent verification of the facts of the statements.”
Unlike Spain, where there is stronger legislation on data privacy, the United States lacks a single federal law that regulates this area. This situation generates legal loopholes that mean that complaints like D'Ambrosio's do not have a clear legal framework for their resolution. The case remains open although it is estimated that D'Ambrosio's chances of winning are practically zero. In addition, the man is simultaneously facing a process in which he is accused of tax evasion.
“Suddenly we have to pay attention to reviews as if we were an Amazon vacuum cleaner, it is an absolute productivity of the human being,” says Fernando, 33, an active user on several dating applications in Barcelona. “If it were the other way around and men were making groups about women it would be a scandal.” The exercise was put to the test when a male-focused group called Are We Dating the Same Girl? was created in 2022. NY. The Facebook group used the same community guidelines and even added a disclaimer stating that it was inspired by its predecessor. Faced with an overwhelming number of comments expressing that it was “unacceptable” for men to post screenshots of dating profiles and discuss women in this way, the group disappeared. Although some similar groups still persist, it does not have the relevance or volume of members that the original attracted.
Marcos, 34, who perceives himself as “an expert” because he has been through almost all the dating applications, believes that “it is good for women to use all the tools available to protect themselves, since they are more exposed to risks.” However, he emphasizes that this should be carried out responsibly and conscientiously. “You can't criticize someone simply because we didn't like them.”
Tinder Spain assures La Vanguardia that the existence of these groups to increase the security of its users "is not necessary", since the application has "many security functions." This includes the ability to report from the chat itself, the ‘Does the message make you uncomfortable?’ and ‘Are you sure?’ options to identify and reduce inappropriate language, and photo verification to confirm identity. In addition, video chat makes it easy to get to know each other digitally before an in-person date, and the ability to block contacts prevents unwanted profiles from appearing as potential matches.
“What I like most about the group is that in the end the women come together, we support each other and we all encourage each other,” explains María. These groups can offer a sense of camaraderie, in addition to serving a preventative function. Relationships between people can be very different and the perception of feeling deceived can vary depending on the perspective of each individual. “You can behave badly with a person you are not interested in but in a very different way with another person you like more. "I don't believe everything they say until I experience it myself."
