“Height was never a problem or a topic of conversation between us,” says Arume, 27. She has been in a relationship with Christhian, 31, for five years. He is 1.63 cm tall and she is about ten centimeters taller. “We are like that and we love it,” she assures La Vanguardia. In February of this year, user @natttheassassin's tweet with a photo of her, who is 1.90cm tall, and her partner who is 1.70cm tall, went viral and reached almost three and a half million views. On TikTok, several trends seek to normalize this difference and show iconic Hollywood couples where she is several centimeters taller than him, such as Zendaya and Tom Holland.
According to a survey by the dating app Bumble, height is no longer a requirement for more than 30% of single people on its app. Especially for Generation Z, those born between the mid-to-late 1990s and mid-2000s (i.e., those now in their 20s and 30s). More than 1 in 3 (37%) single people in this age group admit that they are now more open to dating with a height different from their own. Additionally, 1 in 3 (38%) people are now more open to dating others who go beyond their “type” and 1 in 4 (28%) place less emphasis on dating people others “expect.” .
The vast majority of people (63%) - according to Bumble - now focus more on emotional maturity than on physical requirements. As indispensable for single people, a sense of humor appears (67%), followed by sexual attraction (63%) and equality (63%). So, don't straight women no longer look for men taller than them? And for them, has it stopped being an issue that they surpass them in height? Are we facing a change in height standards?
“I think the topic is becoming less and less important, especially thanks to Zendaya, who was quite iconic in that sense,” says Camila, 31 years old. She is 1.75 cm tall and receives comments about her height daily from her. She is already used to being told “you're tall” when they meet her in person. Although she observes this change on a social level, she is clear that, in her case, she prefers the man to be taller than her. “I'm bi and, when I go out with girls, I don't care if they are taller or shorter than me. But, with guys, the closer they are to six feet tall, the more I like them,” she explains.
For her, “height is definitely an issue.” With her friends, they share a phrase: “I don't know if I like him or he's tall.” She defines herself as an “active user” of flirting apps and height is something she always includes in her description. “For a while, I even set a filter so that only guys taller than 1.80 cm would appear to me,” he explains and points out: “And how well it did! Because I recently 'matched' with someone who, minutes before pick me up, he sent me this message: 'I have to tell you that I'm 1.70. I don't know if this is exclusive. If it's an issue for you, I understand it and everything is fine.' She gave me a lot of sadness and tenderness.”
In her experience, men who do not include their height in their description is not because they do not give it relevance, but because they prefer to hide it. “I know that whenever they don't put their height on dating networks it's because they're 1.70 meters tall, and that's not always the case!” he says and adds with a laugh: “I've spent a lot of time trying to guess heights from photos, googling how long a brick is, comparing the person with their dog, with a door, or with how long a cell phone is.”
Furthermore, she says, “guys always add centimeters, as if we tall ones weren't going to notice! With my tall friends we have inside jokes, like when you meet someone sitting down and you wait until they go to the bathroom to see if they 'pass the bar.'"
“Height continues to be a very present topic in conversations about 'preferences' in a couple,” observe the psychologist, sexologist and sexual and couples therapist Sonia Iribarren Echavarri and the nurse and sexologist Silvia García Ruiz de Angulo, both from the team of feminist sexologists by Sonia Encinas. As they explain, “We tend to attribute it to personal taste, without being aware of everything that lies beneath. We have already understood that 'it doesn't have to be that way' and that traditionally 'masculine' and 'feminine' attributes are cultural impositions; However, modifying it is not so simple.”
The experts indicate that “for a part of the population, this stereotype influences but it would not prevent them from having a relationship with a person they like even if they do not fulfill it. However, other people recognize that it would be a decisive factor when starting a relationship or feeling attracted to the other person.” For them, “we need to live with more diverse and inclusive relational models: we need references. There is very little representation in movies, series, advertising and social networks of heterosexual couples in which she is taller than him.”
“I don't think it's something that's changing. It remains the same," says Arume and agrees that "There is zero representation in movies, series, television, books... The boy is always taller. I have even seen videos of how to pose to hide the fact that you are taller.” In addition to videos that seek to give visibility to couples with this height difference and encourage women to, for example, wear heels even if their partner is shorter, there are also many others on social networks that offer instructions for posing together "without let it be noticed.”
“My entire female environment usually places the first requirement on a guy 'that he be tall'. This is what they have sold us: a big guy to protect you, 'manage' you in bed and look good in the photos. And the majority of the male environment looks for a short aunt, because a tall one crushes their virility,” observes Arume.
“For a woman to feel comfortable putting on heels while she is already taller than her boyfriend, she also needs a boyfriend who has worked on his masculinity, his role in the couple and his defense mechanisms against external criticism,” say sexologists Sonia. Iribarren Echavarri and Silvia García Ruiz de Angulo.
Desire - they explain - is a social construction that we develop from childhood, from the references and social norms that we find around us. That is what tells us what and who is desirable or not. “Consequently, we grow up eroticizing a single normative, ableist and white body, and a single model of heterosexual and monogamous couple, with certain canons of beauty, such as the tall, strong, provider and sexually active man and the small, sweet woman. , helpless and sexually passive. Anything that falls outside of these patterns causes us a certain discomfort: there is something that doesn't fit,” they indicate.
“If you're tall, why do you wear heels” or “you have to find a tall, big boy” are some of the typical phrases that Arume has heard for as long as she can remember. “In the end, all of that affects you, to a greater or lesser extent,” she says. However, she didn't let it stop her from moving forward in her relationship with Christian. “Inevitably, this makes you hesitate at first. But in the end I realized that it was nonsense. If I liked him, there was no problem," she explains and clarifies: "I had already had things with boys shorter or smaller than me and he had also had things with girls taller or bigger than him. Fortunately, I have always been quite confident in myself.”
Their height difference is often a source of jokes. “We take it well, with humor. We understand that people are not used to seeing it,” says Arume. From her TikTok account (@arumefarina), she tries to help normalize it. “As I have not had any type of reference, I like to give it visibility and that, if any girl or boy has doubts about jumping in because of the difference in height… it makes them less afraid, and they see that we can be just as 'cuquis' as anyone else. another couple, without me having to hide my height in the photos or stop wearing heels. Neither me nor my boy cares,” says Arume.
“I think the taboo is still there,” says Susana (52). She and her husband have been together for more than thirty years. She is not taller than him. In fact, he is ten centimeters taller than her. That is a difference they have always maintained. “When we were dating, whenever I bought heels I made him go with me to try them on with him by my side and make sure I wasn't taller than him. For the wedding, I didn't buy higher heels as I would have liked for that very reason,” she explains.
“I don't like seeing a woman taller than a man. That thought is very common in my generation, it is very generalized. And I sincerely believe that it still exists…although it may not be as strong in the younger generations,” says Susana. From this conversation, she asked her children, ages 15 and 17, what they thought about the topic. “They say it's not so much taboo, but they also see it as ugly or weird,” she explains.
The image of a heterosexual couple in which the woman is several centimeters taller than him is something that still shocks us, that makes us noise; something that seems to have to be corrected or hidden. And that discomfort, which at first may seem like something superfluous or a detail, may perhaps give us some indications of what we still have to change.
The experts consulted invite questions. “Does size have anything to do with vulnerability? Do we relate height and power? Are we unconsciously perpetrating gender roles? Does the height difference directly attack masculinity? Are we attracted to the idea of feeling protected? "What generates our vulnerability in men? What generates their own vulnerability?" they ask.
Although they observe an evolution in certain aspects in therapy, they believe that the steps are small. “The same attributes are valued as desirable or not depending on the gender of the person who possesses them,” they say and explain that “A woman who excels, in whatever way, continues to be identified as a threat to the current order. While a man who 'earns less', who 'is shorter', who 'has less strength', is the object of social disapproval and his virility is questioned." Let us not forget, feminist sexologists warn, that “the personal is political.”
