As a child, Ana does not remember ever witnessing an argument between her parents. Although she sensed disagreements and some occasional tensions, among them: “I never saw or heard them argue—much less fight—not in front of me or my brothers…”. Until he reached adolescence and, with it, the surprising announcement of the separation of her marriage. A “quite civilized” process but, at the same time, very unexpected: “Because, I repeat: I never saw them argue!”
The case of Ana's parents is unusual: there are many, many couples who argue in front of their children. Daily life is dotted with elements that stress us and, many times, contention, like love, goes out the window: couples quarrel, argue and argue. Especially in the intimate spaces of home and family; perhaps the only places where people can be completely themselves.
But: what happens to children when their parents argue? how does it affect them? In the midst of a wave of parenting with labels such as “respectful”, “positive” and “conscious”, where saying 'no' to children is synonymous with trauma and raising the tone of voice an octave, aggression: Does arguing in front of them equal to the apocalypse? Or, on the contrary: can it be a learning experience? A way to teach them that in life there are disputes? In short: can a well-managed discussion be a lesson?
Javier Urra, doctor in clinical psychology, therapist, writer, “father and grandfather”, is very clear: No. “You never argue in front of your children, ever,” he emphasizes. And from the discussion, he says, we move on to other things: “It usually leads to heat, ugly gestures, high-sounding words… So no and no. Just like parents we do one thing and close the door, well with this, too. And we do it because we are adults and we think it is the most educational and appropriate thing for our children.”
But, by proceeding like this: isn't there a danger of raising them in a bubble, as happened to Ana? For Urra, it is not a question of deception or dissimulation, but of showing “self-control, respect and self-control.”
The psychologist clarifies that the existence of friction or quarrels should not be hidden from children ("because parents are not always going to agree... People don't always agree!"), but it is also not necessary to show them live and in person. direct: "I think that, when faced with disagreements, you can tell them: 'for some topics, mom and I or dad and I, we argue — like you do with your best friend — but we are careful and we don't do it in front of you.' ”.
The psychologist, who has just published a new book titled Intimate Life (Desclée De Brouwer), believes that disputes between a couple must be exactly this: something private: “Do you argue with your partner in front of some friends who come to your house? ? Well, it comes to the same thing,” he summarizes.
In his personal and work life, Urra claims to “argue little.” A position that he fervently recommends: “I don't see much need to argue; There may be a debate, a disagreement, but from there to discuss… I am in favor of talking: I think people argue too much, starting with politicians.” Before engaging in controversy, he claims self-control, which every adult should possess. He assures that through this emotional tool: “We can cool the situation and transfer it to another time. If you do it like this, you end up arguing very little.”
But not everyone is like Javier Urra or like the phlegmatic character in that Eugenio joke (“Wow, Don Genaro! How do you manage to stay so young?”/“Look, well, don't argue with anyone…”/“That's why!” It won't be!”/“Well, that won't be it…”). The human being, imperfect and emotional, argues, gets angry. And sometimes he does it in front of his offspring. With what consequences?
“According to the RAE, discussing is 'carefully and particularly examining a subject', it is synonymous with debating. Therefore, we should regularly discuss many topics, it would be very enriching,” says psychologist Maribel Martínez, director of the Centro Terapia Breve (www.centroterapiabreve.com), in Barcelona.
For this other expert, author of How many times do I have to tell you? (Harpa), if we associate arguing with something negative, it is because, in general, we do not know how to do it: “We do not know how to present our point of view, we want to convince the other that we are right and we create a conflict when we have a different opinion.” . And if the conflict is not resolved, as often happens: “Disputes become chronic, they worsen, and we understand arguing as something negative, as a symptom of a bad relationship and lack of love, as something to be avoided.”
But, for Maribel Martínez, this avoidance is not always positive: "Because children should grow up seeing how parents think different things without that being a problem." That is to say: seeing how they argue, how they try to understand the other and finally, from respect, how they agree on a middle point. “The couple and the family are engines of personal growth and, therefore, we must discuss and resolve differences, because the problem is not resolving the conflict: Avoiding today's battle is generating a war tomorrow,” says the therapist.
For Ángel Peralbo, also a clinical psychologist, specialized in childhood and adolescence, showing differences with other people is part of human relationships: “And the family environment is the place that generates the greatest impact on how children will learn to function in society. , with their friends, neighbors, family, partners, co-workers, etc.”
Therefore, avoiding discussions at all costs “implies a mistake by depriving them of the knowledge of their existence.” If we want our children to develop the capacity for criticism, to think for themselves, to defend their positions, Peralbo asks: “Isn't there a better way for them to see how their parents also exercise it?”
Although it is one thing to argue and another, violent communication. In couple arguments, both experts emphasize, there must be very clear red lines: “Some are, of course, physical or verbal aggression. The lack of respect, raising the volume of voice, sarcasm, aggressiveness, not listening, not looking, threatening, judging, blaming, demands, wanting to be one hundred percent right...", lists Maribel Martínez.
Another exception would be to avoid discussing “intimate topics” or other issues that, due to age and maturity, children cannot understand, and may even misinterpret. “With content that exceeds the children's ability to understand, care must be taken to do so in private,” reiterates Ángel Peralbo.
But for both therapists, arguing is a part of life. And growing up in a house in which there are apparently no discrepancies can even generate unrealistic expectations: “Poles and extremes exist, but we know that relationships and coexistence are based on middle terms,” says Ángel Peralbo.
“Therefore, both environments where there is constant discussion and those in which there is always agreement are artificial. And in the latter, children can even learn to simply accept the opinions of others instead of developing their own criteria,” warns Peralbo.
“Not arguing is not synonymous with getting along and never seeing conflict can create the expectation that arguing is something negative. But the most serious thing is that children lose the opportunity to observe how differences are resolved,” adds Maribel Martínez.
This therapist agrees with Peralbo that, as long as the aforementioned red lines are not crossed, the family is the best laboratory for learning healthy communication: “On many occasions, a conflict can be resolved with good negotiation, which is one in which both sides feel like they have given in. And for children to see that is a lesson for their lives; Let's not deny it for fear of not knowing how to do it,” he advises. Furthermore: “After resolving a conflict, a couple feels more in tune, the foundations of the relationship are strengthened.” And that, he summarizes, can serve children: “Because parents have to be a model of conflict resolution.”
