Pablo Rodríguez Coca. This name may not mean anything. The universe that he has created based on simple thick strokes in black ink on white, yes. The Occimorons world has become a phenomenon on social networks, with more than 178,000 followers on Instagram and another tens of thousands on X, the renowned Twitter. In it, Occi and Morons capture the internal debates and with others that many of us also have. They talk about pain, about when life has no meaning, about suicide, about being better, about asking for help, about not wanting to receive it, about going to therapy.
This psychologist who also goes to the psychologist has organized part of his vignettes into two books. The first, about receiving help. The second, about giving it. Because the story of Rodríguez Coca is also the story of his sister, who has a rare genetic disease, 22q11 deletion syndrome, and whom he has accompanied in her storms with the harshness that comes with seeing a loved one suffer.
What characteristics does a good mental health caregiver have?
When we talk about mental health, we talk about a very large field. You should be well informed and get advice from the person's psychologist or psychiatrist, in case you go to any device. Even many of these devices already have family groups. Above all, it is about putting yourself in the other's point of view. See life as he or she sees it at that moment, even if you don't agree and it may seem silly to you or that he or she is exaggerating. It's difficult because the listener is not going through that. But the important thing is that that person is suffering and that suffering leads him to see things the way he does.
There are entities where people with a disorder, past or present, have joined the mental health care circuit. What does this mean to tell us?
Above all, someone helps another person who is going through the same thing to find the words to identify what is happening to them and to be able to understand themselves. I think that is the most powerful tool. It is also something that people often say to me, “thank you for putting into words what is difficult for me.” There is also the fact of seeing that another person has been able to get out or is much better. Although I was in the ED [eating disorders] unit of a hospital in Madrid and there were contrary positions. There was a year in which they brought a girl who had already recovered to the group and that generated a lot of discomfort among the patients.
Because?
They began to compare themselves, to demand themselves… Things like “I will never be like her.” We must keep in mind that we are talking about EDs, which have self-demand as their own characteristic. But in general terms it does work, of course.
From your books I have learned that the most important thing to help someone is to listen to them, rather than trying to help them. Is that so?
Indeed. Before you asked me about skills, well listening is one. But listening from understanding, from putting yourself in the other person's shoes. I say this a lot when I talk about suicide. When someone tells you that they want to commit suicide, you are not going to take away the idea by telling you that it is nonsense. Better to try to understand where that thought and the suffering behind it comes from, always taking into account our limitations as companions. You also need a warm and non-judgmental look. Patients often comment that they know when a family member is not understanding them by the way they look.
It is very scary when a loved one talks about committing suicide. What do we do in that situation?
It is normal because if we are already quite emotionally illiterate, imagine that someone you love presented that scenario to you. Is not easy. The most important thing is, and we return to the same thing, listening, being there. Do not try to take away the idea because it may be the only and last time this person tells what is happening to them. It's like a very fine thread that we have to pull. Obviously we are not responsible for absolutely everything in relation to the other person, because he also has his own decision-making capacity. But, at least, there is that little thread. It's about trying to reinforce it and say “I'm here” and, above all, buy time if the idea of suicide is imminent. It is not the same for the person to say they are thinking about it as for them to clearly know the day and time. Gaining time means not leaving the other person alone and letting those emotions go down in some way. Also call the numbers we have available to intervene in crises. This told like this seems super easy, but put yourself in the scene. It is very difficult. There is a lot of emotional exhaustion, a lot of fear...
You dedicate the book During the Storm to your sister. How have you lived the role of older brother?
At first fatal, because I didn't understand what was happening. My sister was diagnosed with 22q11 syndrome at birth, with all that that implies: intellectual disability, physical problems, neurological problems, psychiatric problems... I, as a child growing up in that strange environment with doctors, operations and many therapies, did not understand anything. and no one explained much to me about what was going on either. The bond was difficult because it was difficult for him to speak and he did not understand many things due to his intellectual disability. I began to understand it thanks to the Andalusia 22q11.2 Syndrome Association. That's when I started getting closer to her, but she was already overwhelmed by the bullying she suffered at school and she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. In quarantine everything got worse and she was constantly in crisis. As a brother you try to sustain it, but in the end you get exhausted. It was through art that I was able to connect with her a little bit.
That's how Occimorons was born, right?
Yes, fair. Among all the things we created, a doll emerged, which has nothing to do with what Occimorons is now, but that's where the first sketch was born.
How did the association help you?
It helped me a lot. The fact of knowing other people in the same situation as you is an abysmal step. You think you are alone, that this only happens to you. One of the things I thought was that my sister made things up or she wanted to attract attention. That also took me a lot away from her. Seeing that not through the association helped me a lot.
Does loving a person cloud our ability to help them?
Of course, there is so much emotional attachment... You want him to be well at all costs and you put that weight on your back. Day-to-day life when you accompany someone with a mental health problem is not easy because each day is different and what worked for you one day, not the next. Many times you despair. Then there is also a certain love-hate. They are emotions that seem very contradictory, but they complement each other. That relationship can also affect you emotionally, not because you have to support it, but because there is certain lack of respect or a certain behavioral lack of control motivated by that suffering, but that does not justify it, be careful. It is very complex. It is a jumble of emotions that the people we accompany have.
Have you ever taken on the burden of saving your sister?
Of course. Seeing her suffer hurts and if she was fine before, because I know a before and after, why can't she be fine now? There has been a lot of dilemma and a lot of work, also with a psychologist involved. You need to adjust expectations and be patient, because you get overwhelmed a lot. That's why I use the metaphor of the cloud and the rain. At first the umbrella serves to cover the other person from the rain, but then you realize that when you accompany there are times when you don't and you both get wet. Accompanying also means getting wet, it involves effort and wear and tear. But also dry yourself, which is the way you take care of yourself.
Caregivers get worn out too
Of course, that is why care should not fall solely on the family. There has to be a system that does it too, with devices, resources and interventions. For example, during mental health leave, do you stay at home and that's it? Maybe staying at home is not the best for the person if the means are not provided to build again. Care networks, like friends, are also super important. You go to the psychologist for an hour once a week, but afterward, who supports you? Who do you tell things to? All of this implies a network of people, which sometimes does not exist and that is dramatic.
What different doubts do you have as a psychologist, that is, a professional mental health caregiver versus a non-professional caregiver?
In the case of my sister, my training as a psychologist has helped me, but it is not even as effective as it could be if she were a patient. That's where I'm Pablo. As a professional you have to do a framing, an evaluation and see the entire context of the person and what I can offer them as a professional. And like Paul, that bond prevails. I don't put myself in those professional parameters. That we cannot treat a family member or a friend is precisely because your effectiveness is greatly reduced. You are not objective and can do more harm than good. In the end, psychological therapy is a process where your psychologist proposes you and where a plan is made. With a friend you don't make a plan.
How can someone face the helplessness of not knowing how to help?
Being human and sincere. You can say something like, “You are a person I care about, but I don't know what to say or what to do. Still, I am here to listen to you.”
If that person pushes us away, do we leave them alone or insist? And how do we insist?
In the end, relational problems also arise in these types of issues. To what point should we insist? I think it is important to agree on all this with the person. It usually happens that when someone is unwell they stop answering or reject plans and there comes a time when they stop insisting because the same thing will happen again. It would be necessary to see what impact the proposals have on the other person. It could be that she is feeling pressured or, on the other hand, she could be feeling included because they are remembering her. It is also true that if rejection lasts a long time, the relationship changes because the bond weakens. There is no reciprocity that is what friendship implies, for example. That should also be considered.
As?
Sometimes you have to let go of links. If the person does not allow themselves to be helped, it is not that they do not want to, it is that they do not allow you to enter their world and their discomfort, in the end all communication and all relationships are closed. There is a point at which you think "what do I do?" Even that bond becomes harmful for you. It hurts you because you worry, because you are there, because you don't know what to do. Then there comes a point where the relationship falls apart.
And what do we do there?
It would be necessary to consider whether something has happened to the person recently. But if not, sometimes it is necessary to confront. Speak clearly and say "hey, this is not moving forward, I'm here to support you, but I also want you to consider other ways to deal with it." Because it is different to tell things than to ruminate on them. The more we remember information, the easier we have access to it and the more important it will be in our heads. In friendships we ruminate a lot, but when we are emotionally bad we ruminate even more and in the end bonds are built from the mental health problem. This is seen a lot in the TCA clinic. “Invisible” people who, thanks to the TCA, are seen and heard. As friends, we can try to stop that somehow. You can say "you have told me about this thing that worries you, are you calmer? Well now we are going to talk about the activity you want to join or this project. About other things beyond the problem."
