In his more than sixty years of marriage, Lola's husband did not pick up a plate nor did he change a diaper. Lola, now 86 years old and widowed for a few months, was in charge of everything related to the home and the care of her three children. “I did everything. It didn't even occur to me to ask him to get up from the table,” she recalls. There is no acrimony in her words: she harbors no resentment toward her husband, with whom she had a happy marriage. Simply: “It was what there was,” she summarizes. “We were in charge of the home. "I didn't know anyone around me where the husband did something."
Now, when she sees “boys” pushing strollers, Lola is amazed. “Things have changed, parents are more involved. At least, it seems that way.” In part, he is right: if until recently the vast majority of men in this country left the chores of parenting and the house entirely in the hands of their wives, today the Spanish man has begun to play a role in these areas, in accordance with a modern and European society. There is data that supports this change, such as a recent CIS survey (Perceptions of equality between men and women and gender stereotypes), which indicates that, on average, they dedicate 126.76 minutes (2 hours) daily to work tasks. home, compared to 172 minutes (almost 3 hours) for them.
Without a doubt, a change with respect to not-so-past times—with those statue-husbands, like Lola's—but still far from parity, whose gap widens sharply when the children arrive. This same CIS survey indicates that, when it comes to caring for children, the distance between both sexes practically doubles: while they dedicate 412.25 minutes (6.7 hours) a day, they dedicate 228.88 (3, 7 hours). That is, mothers care for three more hours.
Despite the progress, there is still much to do on an issue that is a cause of conflict and wear and tear in couples; especially when there are children. This is the central theme of All the Rage. Mothers, Fathers and Parenting Together (Captain Swing), a book focused on what is described as “the most pernicious problem facing modern mothers and fathers.” And, as its author, Darcy Lockman, explains, the data show that gender inequality “stubbornly” persists in childcare: “Reflected in the disproportionate amount of work that falls on women, regardless of their origin, class or professional status.”
Lockman is a New Yorker, psychologist and journalist. She wrote the essay as a result of her motherhood, when she observed that her friends had the same gender experience as her: that care and planning (the so-called “mental load”), inevitably fell on the mother. her mother. Exhausted, angry and intrigued at the same time, she began to investigate: “Because she didn't understand what was happening: We were all quite progressive!” She explains in an interview, via Zoom.
When reading his book, it is striking how familiar the situations he describes, in Manhattan or Baltimore, are with the Latin idiosyncrasy. “The similarities were also shocking to me,” she comments, “but this issue, inequality in care, is universal: the book has been published in Russia, in Korea... We all live in patriarchal societies, in which the man is more important.”
All the rage compiles an avalanche of data that could be summarized as follows: despite the fact that today men “help” or “collaborate” in parenting, parity not only does not exist, but it is still very far away. Some, we will never see: “It is estimated that there are 75 years left for women to achieve gender equality in their homes globally,” writes Lockman.
For her, this optimistic idea of the modern and involved father has been exaggerated, “vastly”: “It is true that childcare by men increased at the end of the last century, but then it began to stagnate, without reaching equality". It is, she explains, a more cultural change than a real one. That is to say: although many men believe that parity is key to the success of marriage, this desire is not translated into actions: “And mothers continue to assume 65% of the tasks.”
A certain percentage, he adds, of which many couples are not aware: “Among all the data I considered, one of the things that caught my attention the most was a study that showed that among couples who were convinced that they were making a "Just about the tasks ('We split 50-50') the reality was different: when they analyzed the hours they both dedicated to the home and children, women did two-thirds of the work."
Another myth that the author dismantles is the belief that women are naturally more prepared to care for children. Darcy calls it “the naturalistic fallacy” because she, she assures: “This argument that we are biologically different and that is why we do more care work is nonsense: a lie.”
Among other things, Lockman discovered “that male hormones also change during his partner's pregnancy” and that “parenting skills are learned. They are not innate, neither for males nor for females.” He reminds us that, before advances in obstetrics, it was common for women to die in childbirth: “So it makes sense that there would be more than one capable of caring. We are all prepared to be caregivers, it is a rewarding activity, but we have made it seem like it is only intended for half of the population and that is not true! She calls these essentialist ideas a trap: “These beliefs are, in part, the reason this doesn't change.”
They are not the only current imperatives in childcare. Lockman dedicates several pages of her book to analyzing another style of intensive mothering, also native to the United States. It is popularly known as “helicopter breeding” and has been successfully exported to our parts. The psychologist explains how we have gone from the concept of “acceptable” mothers to that of “perfect” mothers. Women immersed in a vicious circle of work and hyperactive parenting, which implies non-stop activities to stimulate and perfect their offspring. “It is human to want to be seen as a good mother, but there is more and more social pressure to be a “supermom” and, in the end, we are always busy and tired,” reflects Lockman, who points out that this role, that of the helicopter parent, It is mostly female.
In parenting issues, sociology describes the figures of the “guardian” and the “apprentice”: the woman who determines the standard of care and the man who tries to follow them. A role, that of “guardians”, which has its logic: not in vain throughout history what it meant to women was being mothers. These are very embedded dynamics and for many, the reason why they do not get more involved in caring for their children: they do not allow it, because here they are in control.
Darcy Lockman is resistant to the idea that if men do not participate it is, in large part, because they do not let them: “I have always rejected this idea that parity is not possible because of women, who are more sexist than men. them, etc. Although it is true that they are very deep-rooted dynamics,” she says.
But, for this expert, they are dynamics that can be reversed. "One of the objectives of my book is to make it understood that in a couple we can be a team, that instead of fighting against each other, we can fight against the sexism that has led us to this situation." As? The psychologist urges us to talk about the issue and agree on “active solutions”, such as an organized distribution of tasks. Men, she adds, “have to be more cooperative, not disadvantaged students” and women “have to act as parents.” That is to say: “to leave space for them and not always prioritize their children, sacrificing themselves. I don't mean that they abandon them, of course, but that they have more time and freedom for themselves, as so many men do."
Furthermore, equality in the couple has many benefits, both globally (according to the World Bank, closing the gender gap would increase global GDP by more than 20%), and individually: “In Sweden there are studies that show that men who who have taken paternity leave are much more involved throughout their upbringing than those who have not taken paternity leave. It makes sense, because they feel comfortable being alone with their children,” Lockman says.
Other research reveals that couples who are more egalitarian have a more active sexual life: “It was believed that it was the other way around, that when they dedicated themselves more to the home and parenting there was more sex; because they were more 'feminine' and their husbands, more 'masculine'. But this idea was denied.” Now statistics indicate that in couples around the world the frequency of sex has decreased: “Except for those who share tasks equally. It makes sense, because there is less resentment and less exhaustion.”
