It is very difficult for us to set limits or say no, we are afraid of losing our job, of looking bad, afraid that they will stop loving us or that we will stop being liked. And all of this makes us complacent and silent, when sometimes we shouldn't. The Catalan psychologist Alba Cardalda explains it in How to order shit politely (Vergara), a practical book with exercises to learn assertiveness and strategies to have quality relationships.
Cardalda, an expert in cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy and neuropsychology, with almost 560,000 followers on Instagram, publishes the volume after verifying that people need practical advice to set limits. She “she I made a video that had over 11 million views, which was titled, ‘How to politely send shit. There I realized that the theme provided solutions to a real problem faced by many people”, she explains in RAC1.cat.
Why is it so hard for us to say no?
Because there is a feeling of guilt, as if we don't have the right to say no, when we don't want to or can't do something. That is the first difficulty in setting limits.
What is setting limits, and where is the line between being unpleasant or rude?
Setting limits is setting the barrier from which we can or want to endure a situation, and from which point not. It is not expressing it by imposing an order, nor with an "I want you to do this"; it is expressing it from your own need, from what you would like. It is a negotiation. The other person can accept or not accept our limit if they like it or not. If she doesn't seem comfortable with the limit we set, she has every right to say so and walk away, so as not to continue missing out on it or doing something we don't like.
So that it is understood, let's explain types of limits and give some examples...
The temporal limits are those that have to do with the time we want to dedicate to an activity or a person, and when it is claimed or imposed that we spend more time with this or with it, a limit is crossed. The physical limits are those that refer to personal space or physical contact, and there are people who are closer and touch more, and others who do not like it. That often has to do with culture. The limits of personal space must be respected, like each other's room. Emotional limits are those that have to do with the way we want to convey emotions. An example would be when someone reads WhatsApp conversations or our emails. Also if someone treats you badly or talks to you hurting you. Sexual limits are limits to sexual practices, or attitudes that make us feel uncomfortable,
There are people who find it more difficult to set limits. Do they have common traits?
Yes, these people have been able to grow up with conditions in which they have been told that setting limits is wrong, or they have been made to believe that they did not have the right to set their limits. These people become very submissive, they have a hard time saying no, they feel bad if they cannot give or do everything possible for another person, they are easy to manipulate because they immediately feel guilty. They are people who have difficulties expressing what they think or feel, and are usually dependent on other people and are susceptible to what people are going to say.
Is it more difficult for women to set limits?
Yes. We have been raised with the belief that we should be more helpful and take care of others. It is very frowned upon for a woman to have character or to be rigid, it is seen as something violent or aggressive. Instead, if she comes from a man, she is interpreted as knowing what she wants. This has been perpetuated and that is why women have more difficulties to stand firmer.
What reaction is there in our brain, in our body, when someone exceeds our limits?
There are biochemical changes that have to do with neurotransmitters or hormones. When someone treats us badly, adrenaline and cortisol are released: the first, a neurotransmitter; and the second, a hormone. This leads us to have an emotional reaction, but areas of the brain that have to do with physical pain are also activated. This generates changes in the brain that, if they are maintained over time, can have more serious effects, especially due to the activation of the emotional system, which can generate sadness, affect self-esteem... Cortisol is delicate, because it runs through the entire body and it goes to the bloodstream, and that can cause serious health problems or psychosomatizations such as psoriasis, hair loss, gastrointestinal discomfort...
How are, or how are quality relationships defined?
They are those in which one can freely express what they need, what they like or not... And they respect the same of the other person. Limits are respected without feeling judged or offended. Communication is respectful at all times, even if there is conflict or debate. There must also be verbal or active displays of esteem, and you must also be able to apologize and show appreciation. These are the main features. And all this implies that there is no manipulation or mistreatment.
What to do if we find it difficult to say no when they ask us for a favor? In the book you put a very practical exercise...
The first thing we should do is stop and think, something we don't do (we respond right away). Secondly, listen to us to know if I want to do what they ask me to do, or if it bothers me. To know if we should say yes or no to the favor, we must rate from 1 to 10 if we feel like it and if I can do it. If I feel like six downwards, you have to think about saying no. The cut-off point that each one establishes is very useful; putting a score is an exercise that helps.
What is the basis of assertiveness and why is it positive?
Assertiveness is the key that can lead us to reach agreements and live with others, which we need as the social beings that we are. We must always negotiate about deals and limits in relationships, and being assertive allows us to express ourselves in a way that the other understands us so that they change their behavior. If we use assertiveness, we make the other person better understand why we feel that way and need a change, without falling into the attack on the other.
You have strategies to say no to proposals...
I like to say thank you, express no, and then propose an alternative. An example: we do not want or cannot go to an event. Well, we say: “Thank you very much, but I don't feel like it. What do you think if we have a coffee tomorrow? Gratitude at the beginning is key. And the final point can be an element of courtesy, one: "Thank you, I don't feel like it, have a great time!". This “have a good time”, leaves no room for insistence, it is very effective.
When we have tried to set limits and there is no way… Is it necessary to send to hell?
Sending to shit is very necessary at times, when the behaviors of other people or situations are hurting us emotionally. There comes a point that you must decide if it happens about your emotional health, or the demands and bad behaviors of others. If this point arrives and we have already empathetically tried to set limits, and the situation remains the same, it is necessary to send them to hell, it is for health. It is not about being rigid and always saying no, because relationships are built giving in to the other.
At work it can happen. You have lived it...
Yes. It depends on your situation, if you have family responsibilities or not, it is necessary to be realistic. But sometimes at work you have to say enough, if they ask you to work outside working hours without reward, they don't even know your name, you ask for conditions to do the job well and they don't give it to you... If you put up with it and they demand, but they treat you in a demeaning way, dignity is above professional positions.
How do you send the fuck off politely?
The most subtle and effective way is the gaze and silence. Non-verbal communication on the subject of setting limits is essential, knowing that there are many things that we can transmit with the body. In addition, what we transmit with words also changes depending on the gesture of our body. If we opt for silence, we make it clear that what the other says is totally out of place, the gaze is what speaks, what says. You have to stare at the other and wait in silence for at least three seconds. Here we will immediately have a reaction from the other person. It's hard, but the more serenely we send shit off, the better.
You also say that everyone should find their own style to send to hell...
Yes, there are people who feel comfortable saying “fuck off”, others who don't, and they need to grab their bag and get out of the place where they are.
