"Rebequeries are normal behavior in development. They are more frequent and intense in some children than in others and are worse when they are tired, hungry or in any kind of discomfort”. In this way, clearly and succinctly, the Unicef website describes infantile rebequeria, also known as tantrums. Rebequeries are part of childhood, at least in those of the richest world. But in recent times they have acquired a prominent role. They have practically become a product. Especially in the publishing world, in tune with the wave of emotional education, the market offers a great deal to fight against rebequeries.
Searching the internet brings up numerous titles, an avalanche of illustrated stories for children to endure their tantrums, and parenting workshops, talks, YouTube videos and podcasts are also highlighted. As explained by the psychologist Maggie Mamen, interviewed here a few weeks ago, for many parents child abuse has become an increasingly frequent reason for consultation: "They can't bear to see child abuse at the age of three, four, five... That it's what children of these ages do. Some are looking for a diagnosis and when I tell them that not everything has to be a disorder, that there are things that are normal and can be corrected by educating them, they don't understand," he said.
Where does the urgency to manage the rebequeries come from? Are they worse today? More frequent? Or is it normal to worry about episodes that, in fact, can be very unpleasant? Sara Tarrés, member of the Working Group on Emotional Intelligence of the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia, is also a mother and knows how to cook. However, he considers that this demand to manage them has other reasons: "For me, it has more to do with what we, the parents, feel than with what they feel. I think it is very difficult for us to see and tolerate the discomfort of our child: we feel guilty, bad parents and educators, because we have an ideal of perfection, of how we want to be and of the children we will have, and the reality is something else. .. The children have rebequeries!”. Anger, he adds, "many times have nothing to do with the type of mother or father we are, but are part of the normal evolution of children". "Although there are some exceptional cases, rebequeries, from approximately 18 months to four or five years, are part of the development of our creatures", says Tarrés. Children, he describes, who are discovering both their own limits and the ones we adults set for them: "And since they can't yet express what they feel verbally or fluently, they express it this way, with their body." From the age of five or six, the teasing disappears and other ways of expressing disagreement begin, such as bad answers. Over time, the psychologist sums up, the children learn to manage frustration, which is the fuel for rebukes. "But there are times when they reach adulthood and they still haven't learned," he clarifies.
The tantrums, however, do not only develop due to the imposition of a limit or the frustration of a child's desire: there are external factors that have a lot to do with it. Knowing them can be used to prevent. Heading the list of these factors are sleep, tiredness, hunger and the lack of time and free play, a reality in today's hyperactive childhood.
The behaviorist model, of "extinction" of the rebeceria, which consists of ignoring it until it passes, is becoming obsolete. In the new trend of self-styled "respectful", "aware" or "positive" parenting, what is advised is to sympathize with the child who is suffering from depression and validate his feelings. Tarrés expresses his doubts about this model, which, he agrees, is in vogue: "It's very good to validate the emotion ('I understand, you're tired, angry...'), but that's why they have to be older. If we are talking about a child of two to four or five years, no matter how much validation is done, it is someone with an immature brain that is just starting to learn language”.
Does validating emotions run the risk of also validating behavior? "It's one thing to validate the feeling, but it's another thing to validate the way. I can accept that you are angry, but not in the way you have shown me. It is clear that we must set limits and say 'no' and not fall into the trap of validating everything", answers Tarrés.
