How many times have we come across someone who laments, in front of everyone willing to listen, that the national team did not line up this or that player with whom, without a doubt, the goals would have rained down? The same happens with political issues, health, car mechanics or the best technique to make the soufflé fluffy. There is always someone who gives lessons on everything to the rest, whether they are an expert or not. Furthermore, he normally isn't, but he acts like he knows everything. With not a little sarcasm, social networks nickname them 'everything'.
Psychology has a name for it: the Dunning Kruger effect. “It's those people who have only read half a book on something, but think they know a lot. At the opposite pole we have the impostor syndrome. That person who knows a lot about a topic, but is aware of how much he still has to know and doubts if his comment will contribute. Even if it is completely correct”, says the creator of the podcast Entiende tu Mente, Molo Cebrián, in a new talk from the Mejor Conectados series, a Telefónica initiative.
This modesty in expressing an idea in public stems from prudence, but also from fear of public lynching with humorous comments such as 'the smart-ass is out', 'you're going to come give me lessons' or, in times of denialism, ' it is that they have deceived you'. This dichotomy is expensive for society, since in the end those who do not know are heard more, while those who know remain silent so as not to suffer mockery, insults or have to defend any idea tooth and nail.
The polarization of any debate or conversation, no matter how inconsequential, makes effective communication impossible. Even that something as human as a relaxed chat between brothers-in-law at Christmas Eve dinner ends in a brawl, exchange of outbursts and a 'I'm not coming back to your parents' house'. This simplification of the world between good and bad, with me or against me, all white or all black, in reality - explains Molo Cebrián - responds to the inertia of our brain to process things in the fastest and simplest way.
Compare our brain with the memory of a computer. “We have a ROM memory and a RAM. It turns out that that RAM is tiny. Since we need to make decisions very quickly, the most immediate thing is to simplify the messages. We divide the world into good and bad and, of course, we include ourselves among the good guys”, he declares. Thanks to this mental trick, humans have survived since the dawn of time, "because if we had to analyze everything that happens to us in detail, it would take us a long time to process and make decisions."
The B side of this strategy is that, to simplify the messages, we draw everything in black or white, without a range of greys. So it is difficult to understand that there are also colors out there. And not to mention valuing them, giving them credibility or assuming that lime green, reddish orange or gradient lilac may seem better to others.
There are those who speak to converse, and those who speak only to be heard. “For there to be effective communication there must be active listening, with empathy, trying to understand what our interlocutor feels. And this does not always happen. How long have we not enjoyed a talk because, as we have a very egocentric point, we only listen to our speech? We know that the person in front is speaking, but instead of listening, we are willing to give our testimony and thinking about the answer”, he adds. He suggests abandoning that selfishness and listening to the contrary, “simply for the pleasure of listening. And then take some time if you want to respond."
But it is not enough to build bridges and empathize with others. For a conversation to be balanced and provide us with value, we must feel free to express our opinion, whether it is correct or not. Even to change our way of thinking if we find valid arguments. “It is the other pillar of assertive communication. A conversation must be empathic, but with self-care. We don't have to go convincing others, but we do feel comfortable expressing what we feel, that sometimes we put up with too much for there to be no problems”, adds the creator and presenter of the most listened to psychology podcast in Spanish: Entiende Tu Mente.
Misunderstandings are a source of disagreements and even bitter hatred that passes from parents to children. In times of social networks and ultra-fast communications, the chances of a message not being entirely clear and being misrepresented are multiplied. “The person responsible for the message reaching the receiver well is always the sender. It is as simple as asking 'hey, is this clear to you? It does not mean that they share your points of view, but to make sure that they have understood them, ”he declares. This openness to the other receiving and understanding my message, even if they don't share it, and vice versa, helps us move comfortably through the entire gray scale. "This way it will be easier for friendships to come that you didn't even imagine could come into your life," he says.
We all have a bias. Various factors such as our culture, our environment, our socioeconomic level or our level of training determine the way we see the world. And this further contributes to social polarization. In other words: we cling like a burning nail to what endorses what we are or think. “We tend to stay with our opinion, despite the fact that the data objectively tells us that we are not correct. You're going to hold on to anything so you don't see that you're wrong, because assuming you're wrong hurts and we don't want anything to hurt us. That is why we follow the media that reaffirm our ideas as we would in a huddle with our friends”, he concludes.
