We mothers and fathers can no longer have more information and warnings on how we should do things: co-sleeping, breastfeeding, managing tantrums, respectful footwear... "I didn't want to continue contributing, no more is needed. The theory is fine, but let's stop infantilizing fathers and mothers and trust our resources."
Says Paola Roig, a psychologist and mother who co-directs the 'Pell a pell' perinatal psychology project and who also disseminates on social networks and with the podcast The secret life of mothers. She has now just published Imperfect Parenting (Bruguera) and the book's subtitle says it all: Because you can't get to everything, and that's fine.
“How to set limits, how to control tantrums, how to do baby led weaning… Theory helps us, but what I say in the book is that theories must be adapted to each one. Do you feel like breastfeeding? Do you fancy co-sleeping? All this should not affect what is really important between you and your creature, which is the bond”, says Roig to RAC1. In our conversation, she dismantles the most common dogmas of motherhood and parenting.
You say that we cannot be perfect mothers, but rather "good enough" mothers. What does it mean?
One mother, when I told her this, she got pissed off. “Good enough? That's not enough, I want to be excellent!” I vindicate the concept of Donald Winnicot, from 1953, who said that it is impossible to be perfect mothers. If you are perfect, what a weight for your son, that he will also have to be perfect! Enough of demands and dogmas”.
And how is the mother good enough?
It is one that is present and available sometimes, not always. There is a figure that says that it is enough to be present one out of three times, that it is enough to be able to attend to the creatures one out of three times that they claim you, it is 30%, only! Think that we demand 100% of ourselves. The good enough mother understands the child, and she attends to the need when she can.
We educate and raise fathers, mothers, grandparents... Why do you focus on mothers and not also on male fathers?
Parents can read the book and feel identified, but there is a claim for me. Most of the people who read and follow me are women (90%) and, therefore, I don't want to speak in the masculine. There is a political point of saying mothers, using the generic feminine. I say mothers, but I refer to fathers, families, upbringing. We must think that the mother at the beginning is the one who assumes the weight of all this, due to a biological issue, which must later be equated.
We are at a time when there are mothers who want to be very present and perhaps do not leave space for the father or grandparents. Why is this happening?
We came from our working mothers, who were away from home and made all the work claims, and now with this respectful upbringing we have returned to be at home... And I think we should go to an intermediate point, to be able to delegate. Co-responsibility is the work of two, and women must learn to let go, because we are conditioned by the patriarchal mandate. We must let go, and the men must go catching.
To make breastfeeding comfortable at night, many parents end up on the couch or in another room, at the mother's request or of their own free will. What do you think?
If the mother breastfeeds and needs to be comfortable, she should have more decision-making capacity on this issue, because her health is in danger. But co-sleeping does not mean banishing the father from the bed. I know families in which the father sleeps in another room, but they have a very strong family unit. Perhaps the problem in the background is whether or not there is unity as a couple.
You say that everyone is the best mother before being a mother. It's curious.
Yes, motherhood is an eternal "I never, never". When you are not a mother, it is so easy to judge, "I will never take my breast out", "I would never leave my cell phone in a restaurant", "I would not give them this to eat"... Maternity and paternity go through your body whole, and when you see yourself there you realize that you have to make it easy and you have to do what you can. Everyone has an opinion on all issues, we must stop judging, and mothers should not take it personally.
With pregnancy and childbirth there are judgments of society and guilt. You say: "If we have to justify ourselves for asking for an epidural, we are doing something wrong." Have we crossed the line with the theories of natural childbirth?
We have gone too far with the demand and information. I have the right to know the advantages, to know what the epidural implies, but I also have the right to think about what is best for me at all times. If a mother feels guilty about asking for an epidural, the information is not getting through well. You have to lower the dogma and the demand, the rigidity.
Postpartum, lactation trials. Why so much war, pit-bottle?
On social networks, everything is very polarized, black or white… In real life there is never so much war, each person has pain and difficulty. Because we are insecure with what we are doing, it stirs us up and we get defensive. You have to think that what others do does not question what I do. We are well aware of the advantages of breastfeeding, but often we do not do what we want, we do what we can.
The objective is for the creature to be nourished and to be a moment of tranquility. If the child looks at the mother while eating and sees that she is extremely tense because she is convinced that the child will choke, we are losing our way with the theory. BLW (Baby Led Weaning) is fine, but each mother should be able to adapt it to her experience and her common sense.
Stimulating the baby at home is also a topic that families search for a lot on Google. Before we were not stimulated in any other way than by living with the family. It is necessary?
Millennial mothers live in the information age. What a baby needs most is her family, her father, mother, uncles, grandparents. The deepest stimulation is in the relationship, and the relationship is independent of Montessori toys, baby led weaning, co-sleeping or breast feeding. In the book I claim the maternity of common sense.
With screens, as with sugar in children, we always go to extremes. 'Sugar' is not giving Bollycaos to seven-month-old children, we are talking about occasional use. It is not the same that a child spends eight hours a day with the tablet, that a mother who is alone at home with the children needs to make dinner and puts on 20 minutes of Paw Patrol. The precarious diet or the precarious use of screens has to do with the system, which makes everything difficult for us.
You cry out one day and maybe feel guilty for a week...
Most of us have been yelled at and spanked or slapped. We want to go from that to not escaping a cry in parenting. It can't be done. We must try not to let it happen, but we must be kind to ourselves.
Grandma arrives to spend an afternoon with the creature. Should we tell her that she can't give him sweets or turn on the TV?
Children get rich from relationships: if your mother makes unfortunate comments, or blackmails the child... it's the grandmother. If we release the demand with ourselves, we should also soften it with the environment, with the teacher, the uncle...
You say that mothers are to blame if they think "I get bored with my son" at some point. Is it difficult to be present with the children with the rhythm that we carry?
We must take away the guilt. Being with a baby is like meditating, like being with yourself, and that costs a lot! First, apologize, if you get bored, it's not that you're a bad mother. To begin with, if you want to be present, we must do it for a few minutes a day, I leave the mobile in a room and I do it little by little, I look at it, I pamper it, I am present, and little by little we can lengthen this time.
If it becomes an obligation, it is useless. Enjoying being a mother is important, but you can't always enjoy it.
This article was originally published on the RAC1 website.
