Since the 1980s, narcissism has been growing unstoppably. The psychoanalyst Jean-Charles Bouchoux, author of The Narcissistic Perverts ”(Harp), is one of the most respected international voices in the treatment of this pathology, after selling more than 500,000 copies of his book. Taking advantage of a visit to Barcelona, the Magazine has talked with him about why inflated egos roam freely in the family, sentimental, work and digital environment.
Being a narcissist was, until practically the 1980s, a rare condition that affected less than 1% of the population. However, some research indicates that people with narcissistic traits already exceed 30%. Why are our egos getting so fat?
We live in a society where the value of the image is essential. Today, what really matters is what others may think of us. That is to say, it is not so much what I do, but the repercussion that this may have on those around me. We live more towards what we project on the outside, than towards our interior.
What is the narcissistic personality?
Very childish. Imagine preparing a snack and leaving a one-year-old nearby. The kid will start to take things without thinking about others. If he repeats the same experience with a slightly older child, he will have the same desire to approach food, but he may hold back a bit when he notices what his mother or his role model may think. As we grow, we integrate this law into our way of being. If we are treated to an aperitif as adults, we will probably still be tempted to grab something, but we will hold back even if no one is looking. Narcissism is as if personal evolution had stopped and someone continued to take cookies as when he was a year old, thinking only of him.
Narcissism has disappeared as a disease in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses, because when something becomes a habitual feature of the population it is considered the norm and not the exception. Could narcissism have become an adaptive mechanism to succeed?
Yes. But it is one thing to adopt narcissistic traits to stand out more at work or in other areas, being aware of it, and quite another thing to be structurally narcissistic, as is the case with narcissistic perverts. But it is true that we are promoting infantilization.
From what moment does a healthy dose of self-esteem become a perverse poison?
When inside an adult there is a small child, the need to deceive others arises, which ends up leading to schizophrenia. One of the keys to continue growing is to de-idealise. On the other hand, perverse narcissists continue to be children, because they have not known how or could not do it. They can't stand anything that tarnishes the image they have of themselves. Another different thing is to develop some narcissistic traits to adapt to a society that favors individualism, competitiveness and image value. The main difference is that pathological narcissists believe they are perfect and blame others for their mistakes.
Until the end of the 20th century, out of ten narcissists, nine were men. Now the percentage is equalizing. Have women, by joining the world of work, entered the masculine league of recognition and competitiveness?
Indeed, in our society to access certain positions certain narcissistic traits can be very useful. But staying emotionally blocked in the 2 years has nothing to do with being a boy or a girl. When women were unable to express these traits in the world of work, they developed other pathologies. Yes, depending on the time in question, the symptoms manifest themselves in one way or another. When companies were run by men, there were far more male narcissists than female narcissists, but as women have risen to leadership positions, the percentages have evened out. But this has also happened because men have become feminized.
In what sense?
Today, if you want to hurt or harm a woman and physically assault her, you are going to jail. For this reason, this traditionally masculine trait can no longer be expressed as before. For this reason, many men are resorting more and more to words and other invisible violence.
In the Greek myth, Narcissus does not fall in love with himself but falls in love with his reflection in the water. Is it possible that many of us are falling in love with our own feed on social networks?
We tried, we tried! But yes, you have to be careful with this. The most interesting thing is our interior, more than our image, and this is what you have to look for. But what you ask is obviously happening.
What three or four easy-to-follow clues would you give to identify a perverse narcissist in the workplace?
The first clue would be to ask yourself if you feel good in your job. If nothing strange is perceived, surely this problem does not exist. The second would be: if in your workplace there is a perverse narcissist who continually beats you down, he will try to make you believe that it is only your fault. What a narcissistic pervert used to reproach someone with is exactly what he should reproach himself with. For example, if he tells you "you are null", you must interpret that he is the one who is afraid of being null and, since he has that fear, he projects it onto you in order to expel it.
Do perverse narcissists set out to crush a specific person or change victims?
In general, they usually choose a victim. Another thing they do is show off to as many people as possible. But when it comes to crushing someone, they choose someone with a first and last name. The terrible thing is that the rest of the workers tend to adhere to their opinions, that is, they tend to believe that their criticisms are fair. In this way, they are exempt from the reproaches of the narcissist and stop being his victims so that someone else can be.
In addition to exhibitionism on social networks, some experts also point to the current parenting model. What does it lead to pampering a child too much?
To something schizoid. In mom's speech, I'm wonderful, unique, unmatched, unparalleled, etc., but when you get to school and tell others how great you are on the playground, your friends spit on you.
You say that throwing undeserved compliments leads them to develop a very fragile self-esteem...
That's how it is. You have to know how to value your children, but you also have to know how to tell them on certain occasions: “You were wrong”.
When does the narcissistic personality appear?
What Freud tells us is that the psychic structure is formed before the age of 6. Actually, with a year and a half we already have awareness of ourselves. What we see between the ages of 7 and 12 is a structure that already existed previously. But it is true that moms and dads can reinforce narcissistic traits in their children.
What differences are there between the “healthy narcissist” and the perverse one?
A healthy narcissism is to say: "I exist, but I am aware that you also exist." It comes to be like acknowledging: "I have needs, but I understand that you have them too". The key is to be empathetic. The problem is when everything comes down to "me, me, me..." Narcissistic perverts can't stand frustration or someone telling them "I need things too."
Most psychologists admit, sotto voce, that anti-self therapies don't work and that no pathological narcissist is ever cured.
To advance in a therapy, there comes a time when you must make a resignation. However, this leads pathological narcissists into something very much like a grieving process. For this reason, no pathological narcissist admits to being one. Any narcissistic pervert who wants to stop being so should face a depression, when they can't stand even the slightest frustration. This is why it is almost impossible to cure a perverse narcissist.
