Five friends. One of them has cancer. They go on a trip, just before the first cycle of chemo. Each one writes on a piece of paper a vital wish, one of those things that she has not dared to try for fear of the consequences. All the notes are put in a bag. Every day they will take one of those papers out of the bag, and they will try to meet each challenge, together. Sincerity, truth and commitment to what you want in life. That is the starting point of the miniseries The Last Row, by Daniel Sánchez Arévalo, on Netflix.
Vital reflections haunt us with illnesses, when close loved ones die prematurely, when life shakes us... and also when we notice the weight of age, a kind of "now or never" that can assail us from the age of 55, 60 or 65 years. Is it better to regret not having fulfilled a desire or life challenge, or to try, even though it may lead to regret? How do you make the decision to carry out, in adulthood, a late divorce, a crazy job change, a risky adventure sport or a move to another city?
“Taking life balance is positive and necessary. From a certain age it is good to start considering whether you are executing your life project in accordance with your intentions and abilities,” says Àngel Guirado, doctor in Psychology and president of the Girona delegation of the Official College of Psychology of Catalonia. Guirado believes that among youth there is not as much awareness of the importance of this reflection because - at least in theory - we have a lot of time ahead of us. Age brings us the need to take inventory, but... How to do it?
The most important thing, Guirado points out, is introspection, the transparent knowledge of oneself without self-deception, “no one knows us more than ourselves.” Secondly, he recommends seeking help from people we trust, or specialists. “If we have financial doubts about a project, for example, we can look for a financial manager to make a plan.” To make decisions at this age, related to meeting or not meeting a vital challenge, a good state of physical and mental health must also be anticipated. “We must think about favoring, rowing in favor, when we still can. Also assess the possible strong hustle and bustle of life,” says the specialist.
It's the moment? Getting a tattoo is not the same as getting divorced or going to live in another country. “I propose not to ask ourselves if it is the time, because there is no right time: we must ask ourselves if we have the need,” advises Pep Marí, psychologist and author of Vital Decisions (Plataforma Actual).
According to him, thinking that at 60 we have 25 years of life ahead of us is pure fiction. We will never know the life we have left to live, nor is this an adequate parameter. Marí suggests paying attention to the duration of that inner voice. “A whim passes after a few days or weeks, a need lasts until you satisfy it. If it disappears from your head easily, it is a setup, a self-deception. If months or years go by and you still want it, it is a necessity.”
Often the possible consequences of our actions are what stop us from making decisions. “This idea is misleading because you don't know what these real consequences will be. And the results of continuing not to do what you want, if you don't change anything, if you don't try? You must balance the repercussions of action and immobility,” Marí proposes.
Something that is said to encourage action is the classic “better to regret having done something than to regret having missed the opportunity.” But to what extent is it true? “To regret is to blame oneself for something in the past and it is of no use, whether in one sense or another. They are thoughts that everyone can have because we play with our imagination and the desire to have the best personal and social conditions. But this cannot obsess us, since it can generate great vital insecurity,” says Guirado.
Another mantra of positive psychology in adulthood is “it is never too late.” How much truth is there in this archly repeated phrase? "It is never too late to make vital changes if they are necessary or come without our wanting them, because as humans we are made to adapt to the environment. But the person who constantly doubts his decisions will have unhappiness in his life. Being too demanding in aspects of life that you can no longer change is absurd. The old water does not move the mill," says Guirado.
According to Pep Marí, there is another key that can help us when choosing one side or the other: “the more you doubt your decisions, the less risk you should take.” If doubt has plagued you for years, it is because those decisions involve a lot of risk or because you are not willing to assume that level of danger. A change of professional direction is much riskier, for example, if you have had dependent children than if you have no family responsibilities. In this sense, Marí emphasizes that "you should never make a decision if you cannot assume its worst consequence."
Marí, also the author of books such as Psychological DNA (2020), firmly assures that we must put more heart than head in personal decisions, and more head than heart in professional decisions. There is one exception, she says. “At the moment when we are in love (in the initial falling in love stage) we should not make decisions about the continuity of the relationship with whom we feel that intense emotion, we must let the soufflé go down.” In professional matters, she says, “if we could - although it is practically impossible - we should eliminate any emotional component.”
Knowing what you want and prioritizing is what helps the most when making decisions about pending vital challenges in the last stage of your life. Although you cannot decide to skydive or go live in the mountains because a friend, your partner or your mother wants it, it is important to take into account the advice of your people of reference. “We can use the values that those references have given us. Having a group of expert friends is a good idea, although you don't have to follow what they advise. Why ask their opinion, then? To test your decision. If your group of experts has an opinion contrary to yours and their arguments make you doubt, rethink what you decided.
Once the decision is made, there are two clues that can help us know if it is the right one, before materializing it, according to Marí. Feeling liberation and joy is one of them, and not needing to review that determination we have made over and over again is the second. Constant doubts are a bad sign.
And no one educates us to make decisions, but assuming them is, ultimately, deciding our own adventure. And as the years go by, it becomes more necessary to have a clear path.
