“I don't know if I'm in love or not. I know that I am with someone I love very much, with whom I feel very comfortable, very calm... and with whom I get a stupid look every time I get a WhatsApp message," says Eva (this is not her real name), 58 years old. Theirs “started like a bummer” and now they have been together for more than two years. Can we fall in love after fifty? How do you experience a new love at this age?
“Love and intimacy have no age limit. “We can all fall in love at any age,” says international expert on ageism and healthy aging, Dr. Vânia de la Fuente-Núñez, and explains: “Positive romantic relationships are not only satisfying at any age, but have also been associated with to real health benefits, such as lower stress levels, healthier behaviors, lower blood pressure, and higher levels of oxytocin, a feel-good hormone.”
“Falling in love has no age,” agrees psychologist Júlia Pascual, and indicates: “In my clinical experience, falling in love after the age of fifty can be an incredibly enriching and satisfying experience. If you are a person who has been learning from your experiences, accumulating life learning that helps you know what you want, what you desire and what you are looking for in a travel and life partner, this can facilitate having deeper, more positive relationships, more significant.”
The expert clarifies that “obviously, we can also find many people who, despite their age, have not taken advantage of those previous experiences to develop emotional maturity and emotional responsibility.”
“We are capable of falling in love at any stage of our life cycle, it's just that falling in love is experienced in a different way. We would be bad if at 50 we behaved like we did at 15," says relational psychologist and UOC professor Enric Soler, and points out: "We should not expect to live it like first love, but rather it will be a mature infatuation, with serenity and the wisdom that lived experiences provide. In adulthood, situations are handled differently and irrational beliefs, such as the myth of romantic love, should have been abandoned.”
“You approach everything differently because you have many backpacks accumulated. And it's not the same anymore. Maybe at 18, I was willing to leave everything for someone and now at 58 I wouldn't leave anything for anyone. Yes, I would share things with that person,” Eva explains and adds: “It's no longer about losing your mind or doing anything for love. It's about complementing each other, that you feel comfortable with that person and they feel comfortable with you. You want to be with her, but maintaining who you are and what you want to do. You prioritize your freedom and your options much more. As long as we're both okay, everything's fine. We are not looking at the future. It's day by day."
However, she clarifies, she does not believe that all people her age experience love or falling in love in the same way. “You can find everything in the same group of people. In my group, in which we are five close friends, each one approaches these things in a very different way. There are many people my age who give a lot of importance to being alone and look for a stable relationship to end up with that person for the rest of their days. Others prefer not to put up with anyone and don't want trouble,” she says.
“If the person has reached emotional maturity, that gives a lot of freedom of choice. When one has less need to be with a partner because one feels good about the relationship with oneself, there may be more opportunities to fall in love, and there is also greater freedom to decide what we do with that falling in love,” says psychologist Júlia Pascual, and explains that At this age, people tend to have an easier time ending things when a relationship isn't working out. “They tend to be clearer about what they want and what they don't want,” she says.
“This is the most authentic and intense relationship I have ever had, and in which I have felt the most love. Not just attraction, but more friendship and more love,” says Marisa (this is a pseudonym), 50 years old. Her story began a year ago, through a neighborhood application.
Just three blocks from his own, he found the person who would first be his friend and later his love. “It wasn't a crush. At first, I didn't notice any special attraction. What I felt was a lot of comfort. I liked it very well. We were similar ages and had a lot of affinity of thought. We started hanging out more and more and I started to like it,” she says.
“Falling in love at this age does change, but there is still hope and there is magic,” says Marisa and points out: “It's like a more mature, more realistic fall in love. Even if you like the other person, admire them, and want to be with them, you don't idealize them as much. She is not the center of everything. “You also have other responsibilities and realities that weigh more on you than when you were young, where perhaps you did more crazy things for love.”
“In adulthood, we fall in love in a way that is more adjusted to reality. We have had time to learn to adapt, to free ourselves from stereotypes, to build more realistic expectations, and to tolerate disappointments much better if they are not strictly fulfilled," says psychologist Enric Soler.
“It's very different, because you look for other things in a relationship and then the type of falling in love is different,” says Rosa (this is a fictitious name), 51, and explains: “Maybe when you're young, you value more what is physical attractiveness and when you are older you look for other things, like that he is a good person, that he has values similar to yours.”
But not everything changes. “The excitement of answering a message or that first date… that excitement is not lost, no matter how old you are,” says Rosa, who fell in love after turning fifty. “It's harder to find someone compatible. I thought she had found him but, when the relationship was getting serious, she left him. It is not easy at all,” she explains. She also decided to try speed dating. “Of course, at a certain age you're not going to go around asking, 'Are you studying or working?'” she says.
“I do believe that you can find someone after fifty. If not, I wouldn't be here,” says Alba, 53, while she waits for the speed dating event to start at the Hotel Índigo in Barcelona. It is a Friday night, and a group of women and men of the same age range meet at the hotel bar to have “micro” dates with each of the participants, waiting to be able to “match” one of them. they.
There are also digital spaces reserved for senior singles. Some dating applications, such as Ourtime -exclusively for those over fifty- or Mas40, specifically target this audience.
Alba believes that she can find a new love at her age, but she thinks it won't be easy. “I'm trying different things, apps, speed dating...but I consider it quite difficult. You become more demanding, you have more responsibilities and burdens with previous experiences,” she explains.
Outside the hotel the group of “guys” gathers, waiting for the speed dating to begin. Jordi, 58, also believes that, with age, “we become more demanding.” For him, “the difficult thing is finding the right person.” Àlex, 52 years old, believes that “there is no age to fall in love. But falling in love is not the same as finding a partner. That is more difficult, because we have more backpack. Maybe you already have children, you're divorced, you have a mortgage you can't pay... when you explain that to a woman, she runs away. It's not easy to find a partner, but I'm not throwing in the towel."
For Eva, at fifty there is not only room for love, but also for full sexuality. “There are many preconceived ideas of both older women and men that are not true. It is thought that, after a certain age, sex is no longer important. And that's not true. “I am equally or more active now than when I was forty,” she says.
“I see it as something independent of age. I think it is something that depends more on what each person is like and what they need,” says Marisa. For Rosa, sexuality does change over the years, but for the better. “I think you live it much better than when you are young, because you have more experience and then you know what you like,” she explains.
“There is a stereotype that older people are not sexually active or interested in sex. Many times it is thought that love and sexuality are something of youth and that they have an expiration date. It is assumed that sexuality does not exist in old age. But the studies and stories shared by millions of older people tell us otherwise,” says doctor Vânia de la Fuente-Núñez, an expert in ageism, who has participated in the preparation of a WHO global report on stereotypes related to sexuality in older people.
“Research carried out in different parts of Europe consistently demonstrates that the majority of older people are sexually active and that sexual activity and intimacy play a role in their life satisfaction and psychological well-being,” indicates de la Fuente. Nunez.
In a study carried out in England - the expert points out - 86% of men and 60% of women aged 60 to 69 declared themselves to be sexually active, as did 59% of men and 34% of women. women aged 70 to 79, and 31% of men and 14% of women aged 80 or older. “Sex is an important facet in the lives of older people and sexuality takes on various expressions in old age, a time when physical and emotional intimacy play a very important role in romantic relationships,” she points out.
According to the expert, “based on these preconceived ideas, healthcare personnel often see no reason to ask older patients about their sexual health.” For her, “It is not surprising then that the rate of sexually transmitted infections among people aged 55 and over has increased in different countries around the world.” Additionally, “due to the stigma and ageism they face in our society, older people may feel ashamed, guilty, or even afraid to talk about their sexuality with others,” she says de la Fuente-Núñez.
“It is thought that at a certain age things end. But that's not the case," says Eva and adds: "It's not true that after fifty you can no longer find something new. And that applies to all levels. I changed jobs when I was 57 years old. What ages is our body. “Neither our heads nor our feelings age.”
“In the middle of life, you have the last opportunity to start everything again and do it in a different way, and have time to enjoy it,” explains relational psychologist and UOC professor Enric Soler. At the same time, he assures that “We live in a biased and discriminatory society that is productive-oriented. "Youth is rewarded and maturity is condemned."
Although she sees it as complicated, Alba would like to fall in love again. “I am open to everything. It is also true that it is a good time for me, because I have a single-parent family and my two daughters are already grown, they are 19 and 20 years old. Now is kind of my time,” she says.
“In principle, not having to focus so much on parenting and career development creates a context that can facilitate the desire to fall in love, to have a partner to enjoy,” says psychologist Júlia Pascual. .
Jordi is afraid of losing his current freedom. “On the one hand, I miss having someone around. But then there are moments when I say, it's good that that person isn't there, because I don't have to explain. It is a constant contradiction.” However, he says that “when you meet someone, it's the best.”
Although he finds it increasingly difficult to fall in love with someone, Jordi does not lose hope: “I am sure that it is still possible. I lived it when I was in my forties. And you can feel it again, of course. This works like this. When you leave home, you never know what you're going to find,” he says.
