It seems that when a couple sleeps in separate rooms it is because they are broken. It's not like that", says Beatriz (40), and adds: "With my partner, this year, in November, we will be together for twelve years. Everything is going well, we're even planning to get married, and we've slept apart for almost half of our relationship."
There were several reasons that led Beatriz and Luis to try sleeping apart six years ago. "In the room where we slept, noises can be heard from the floor above. I snore a little and Luis wakes up several times in the night. I like to read and she likes to listen to music or watch documentaries before bed - explains Beatriz. We found that it was more comfortable for us. Our rest improved". For her, "the relationship was not affected. What's more, in a certain way it has improved, because in this way we are not waiting to disturb the other, we gain intimacy and personal space".
For some couples, sharing a bed does not allow them to sleep in the best way. In a survey conducted by The Sleep Foundation in January this year, although people who had initiated and maintained a “sleep divorce” in the past year were only 1.4% of the total, 52.9 % claimed that their sleep quality improved and they slept 37 minutes more each night.
"You can't generalize. If the partner sleeps quietly, with few movements, does not snore and the bed is wide, sleeping with or without her should not affect the quality of sleep", says the clinical neurophysiologist, sleep specialist and author of La ciencia del bien dormir (Peninsula) Javier Albares. "These ideal conditions do not always occur. In fact, between 40% and 50% of the population hoarse. If this is the case with your partner, you will surely sleep better in another bed. It has even been proven that, after years of sleeping together, snoring couples have hearing loss in the ear that is on the side of the snorer. Sleeping apart can be a temporary solution, but it is important to seek treatment for the underlying pathology, such as possible sleep apnea."
According to psychologist, sexologist and couples therapist Lua Carreira "it makes sense that some people sleep more comfortably and better on their own. You don't have someone next to you tossing and turning, snoring or making noise. The sheets and blankets are just for you and you can arrange the room as you like". In addition to seeing it in couples who go to her consultation, she lived it in her own experience: "I am a very light sleeper and my partner snored. It was impossible for me to sleep together, I was having a hard time and it wasn't the other person's fault either. If we continued to sleep together we would end badly." Although in his consultation there are more couples who sleep apart because they are not having a good time, “there are also those for whom it is simply practical because they have different sleeping habits or needs. Maybe one snores or spends a lot of time in bed with a cell phone or TV and the other needs zero stimulation to fall asleep. Sleeping apart does not have to mean that something is not right", he says.
Belén (39) has been living with her partner since confinement. When they had a baby, they decided to sleep in separate rooms. "My partner snores a lot. He now uses a sleep apnea machine, but he didn't have one at the time. We decided to try sleeping apart so that he wouldn't wake up or prevent the baby from going back to sleep. Also so that at least one of the two could sleep well."
The change was beneficial to them and still is. "The baby still wakes up at night. I sleep with him and that way we can sleep more comfortably, because we have more space in the bed", says Belén. "My partner has to set the alarm clock in the morning for work. I work from home and can control my schedules. That way we don't wake up, we rest better and we're in a better mood."
Marta (this is not her real name) is 33 years old. She and her partner also chose to sleep in different rooms after the arrival of their son, ten months ago. “We started by sleeping together with our baby next to our bed. But he started waking up a lot during the night. After trying different alternatives, the easiest for us was for me to breastfeed him and lay him next to me. For safety reasons, my partner started sleeping in the sofa bed in the living room."
In addition to snoring, according to Dr. Albares, other sleep disorders that can lead some couples to sleep apart are restless legs, where the patient moves and has restless sleep, or behavior disorder during REM sleep, in which he screams and talks in his sleep. "Everything can be treated", he says.
The expert points out that "the opposite can also happen, in which you sleep better with your partner, that you have a very established joint sleeping habit and that being hugged or in physical contact helps you release oxytocin, which it is the hormone of pleasure, tranquility, well-being and love, which is very good for falling asleep". When sharing a bed, you must avoid bad habits before bed, such as using screens. "Ideally, the bed is only for sleeping and having sex," he says. In turn, respect the biological rhythms of each one. "Couples sometimes go to bed at the same time, but not all people have the same biological rhythm, some are more morning and others more evening. Everyone should lie down at the time they are sleepy."
Does sleeping apart affect sexual intimacy? "In our case - points out Beatriz - the moments of sex are more spontaneous. There is no set time or place. According to the sexologist Carreira, "sleeping apart should not affect our sexual intimacy. Physical distance can make me want my partner even more, because missing the other is a good incentive for desire. The important thing is to be clear that sexual desire is something that is worked on and that, even if it doesn't sound very sexy, intimacy is planned. You have to look for these moments, which don't have to be restricted to the shared bed". Basically, sums up Belén, "the important thing is that you feel like having sex": "I don't think it's more challenging than for any couple who, like us, make love with their child, where the bed it ceases to be a space for intimacy. We have a very comfortable sofa bed and a small bed in another room where we can also stay."
