Although communication is essential to address relationship problems, many times we may not even know how to start a conversation. Even when we do it, people tend to perceive things different from what the speaker wants to tell us. This, together with the usual reproaches, can distort the message and our partner may interpret the attempt to speak as an attack.
Expressing our own needs, desires or concerns to the other person is not an easy task that, however, ends up strengthening the relationship. What is said and how it is said are key aspects of communication, which must be based on respect, empathy and assertiveness. To increase its effectiveness, psychologist Concepción Cendón compiles in an article a series of tips that you should put into practice when having a conversation with your partner.
Choosing the right time and place to speak is not a trivial matter. Talking to your partner in a noisy or stimulating environment can further distort the message we want to convey. Try to take the conversation to a relaxed and calm environment, without risk of interruptions, where you can speak and listen to each other clearly.
Communicating how we feel is compatible with explaining the reasons that give rise to the conversation. Verbalizing why you are speaking reduces the risk that what you say will be interpreted as an attack. “I'm telling you this because I care about our relationship and I want to take care of it” or “I need to feel closer to you” are phrases that you can use when you decide to express your needs. Another effective strategy is to use the pronoun 'I' instead of 'you', which will also encourage the interlocutor's empathy.
Ask your partner what you really want without falling into generalities or abstractisms. “I would like us to take a trip together” is much more understandable than “I need to spend more quality time with you.” Don't expect your partner to deduce or know what your needs are. Pay attention to both criticism and praise and don't jump to conclusions before responding.
Try between real and priority needs and those that are accessory or that you can adapt to. Also, be aware that there are certain aspects, beliefs or habits of your partner's personality that may never change. That's when you should consider whether to adapt and reinvent yourself or end the relationship.
Don't behave like a victim or an executioner. Exclude blame, both your own and that of others, from your speech and avoid becoming defensive. Excessive emotionality is another factor that hinders communication, so if an argument flares up, it is essential to try to calm things down.
