In her book I will not do it well (Arpa), the journalist Emma Vallespinós wonders why there are talented and capable women who systematically doubt themselves, suffer from nerves before speaking in public and feel like a fraud always on the verge of being discovered. Or what she calls in her book "I won't do it bienistas." In dialogue with La Vanguardia, the author explains how the autoboycott and the impostor syndrome are not really simple individual defects but rather the expected result of the way in which women have been educated.
What is a “noloharébienista” like?
It's a lot like me, who's been living with “I won't do it well” since I was a teenager. I define it as a very demanding voice that always tells us not to expose ourselves because we don't know enough, we are not capable and we are going to do it wrong. It is this insecurity that many women have about ourselves. The certainty that, in everything that involves exposing ourselves in the public and professional sphere, we will not do it well. This leads us to try to avoid situations that really suit us, that would do us good and that we would even like, if we felt capable.
What kinds of situations do you tend to avoid?
An example would be that of an expert in a specific field who is called by a media outlet to propose that she do an interview on a subject that she controls and who immediately has an urgent need to say no, to try to escape because she believes that there is no he'll do it well enough, or what he says won't be clear. It is always having the "no" ready and a factory of excuses on the tip of the tongue. If we say yes, the days before we ask ourselves a lot of catastrophic "And ifs" and we even have physical symptoms, such as sleeping poorly, being nervous and having our stomachs close. The "I will not do it well" is a tremendous panic to error. It is believing that any mistake, no matter how small, is very big. It is always staying with what has gone wrong, with the moment in which you have doubted, with the stumbling block. It is also not to attribute any credit to ourselves. It is thinking that if things go well, it is only because we have prepared a lot or because we have been lucky. In addition, it is something that we live in silence, because we believe that it is our own flaw and that if we make it known, we will generate a lot of mistrust from others. And it appears in the great things of the public and professional sphere, but also in other less important ones, such as defending our point of view in a work meeting, participating in a debate or formulating a concern.
Is it easier for men to say yes to the opportunities that are presented to them?
Someone told me, very correctly, that when a man is called by a media outlet to interview him as an expert or to participate in a gathering or round table, the first thing he asks is "What time do you pick me up?" On the other hand, women need much more context because they want to be very prepared. They want to know why they have chosen their profile, who will be there, how long they will be there, where the questions will go. They want to have everything under control. They will not go if they are not sure they will do well, because they feel that their professional worth is at stake.
In your book you explain that, despite the fact that impostor syndrome is not something exclusive to women, it affects them more frequently and intensely
In women it is something structural because it is something learned from a very young age. The best university to learn to doubt ourselves has been patriarchy, this macho society in which we have grown up, where we were the guests in the public space, the small print or footnote. We have internalized that. I grew up in the 80s and on the news I saw men doing important things. They were the businessmen, the presidents, the politicians, the experts, the commentators and correspondents. They told us of a world made by and for men. They made the decisions. If you haven't had references to show you that this was something that you could also aspire to, you don't incorporate it as something that corresponds to you. It is no coincidence that this is happening to a generation of women in which many are the first in their families to have studied a career, worked outside the home or reached positions of responsibility.
Do today's girls also doubt themselves?
I have a lot of faith in these new generations because I think they have already had references. They have seen women doing important things. But our daughters and sons also learn from our attitudes. It's important that we don't give them these “I won't do it right”, “I'm not trained or prepared enough” or “Everyone will see I'm a fraud” message. If a daughter sees that her mother perceives herself with this distrust, she will assume that this is normal. I think it is important that we let them know that they are capable, that if they make an effort and work, there are no limits, that the world belongs to them to the same extent as to their brothers and colleagues. Also that they see us taking steps, saying yes.
In your book you talk about the toxic stereotype of the superwoman or off-road woman. Are mothers more demanding than ever?
That's for sure. We have bought an idea that we have to reach everything. But it's impossible. Along the way you leave mental or physical health, or both. Motherhood is a crucial moment in our careers, because we cannot put it off forever. These are crucial years in which they continue to climb positions and for many of us, if we do not have sufficient financial resources or a network to rely on to do this juggling game that is motherhood, being mothers is a brake, a moment in which we try, but we can't do it all. Parenting is something in which we are left very alone. They insist that we have children because they are the future of our country, but how do we do it? There are no policies that help us to be able to do it, and therefore it ends up being our problem, which we face as best we can. Sometimes a very sweetened idea of motherhood is sold.
Do social networks feed that image of the mother who reaches everything?
You have to be careful with social networks because they are normalizing an idea that you can achieve anything. It creates a lot of guilt and frustration in us, because you see that “Instagram mother”, who has several children, she can continue with her life and nothing is lost. It's not possible. Instagram is a genre of fiction. It seems very real but it is not. It is a factory of guilt and complexes. You say to yourself "if she can, why can't I?" There's a whole part they're not telling you. Maybe she has someone working at her house. We have to see the networks from the prism of criticism and not think that it is normal. When you talk to your co-workers, with your acquaintances and with the mothers at school, that's when you can see real motherhood, which implies not reaching everything and being tired.
Are they a hostile space for women?
Social networks are public space raised to the nth power. Also, from an anonymous profile they can tell you anything, there is no responsibility or consequences. It becomes enemy territory. Twitter is very tough and can be very unpleasant at times. The women who are most exposed, which are journalists and politicians, are the ones who receive the most hate and many of them end up with the lock on their account due to the amount of insults. The networks are so demanding of us that we end up thinking a lot about what we are going to publish, especially when it is something that has to do with our professional field. We go around a lot before posting a tweet.
Some will say that cancel culture affects us all equally, regardless of gender. How is the hate that a woman can receive different?
The way in which we are insulted is very significant. The insults directed at us always come from the same side, which is generally the physical. What clothes or hairstyle we wear. If we have made up a lot or a little. If we wear a large or small neckline. What if we are old, ugly, fat. The personal is attacked. Then there is the mythical "whore", which is like the wild card. The first time they told me was when I was twelve and you never know when it will be the last. The insults always go to the same. It's not a hate for what you say. What bothers many is that we exist and that we don't settle for that guest role.
How do you deal with these messages?
What you have to do is not stop doing. It is very good to say no to what we really and objectively do not want or interest. But it's about forcing ourselves to say yes to what we would do if we felt comfortable doing it and not wait for courage to arrive. The only thing we can do is say yes, even if it means being in physical discomfort and wanting to run away at the last minute. What I try in the book is to give a panoramic perspective that makes us angry but not for the simple fact of making us angry, but because I believe that naming it is a first step to combat it. The “I will not do it well” becomes great and powerful through silence, of carrying it as if it were a secret. Many women to whom this happens feel very relieved to know that it is something that has a name and that it also happens to others. How can we help each other? Being frank. The fact of seeing that many of us have been suffering from it for years, even objectively brilliant women, is more than a consolation, one more reason for anger. It has to lead us to want to fight it together.
