"Sometimes you just stop coinciding and it no longer makes much sense to continue with that friendship," says Claudia, 28, and adds: "There are people who contribute a lot to you at certain stages of your life and you to them, but then each one evolves in its own way. It's normal. We all distance ourselves from someone. It doesn't have to have something bad happen or have had an argument."
“Friendships are dynamic relationships that tend to experience different moments of greater and lesser intensity over time”, explains the psychologist Ingrid Molina: “And not all of us experience friendships in the same way - she adds -, we are linked to another person with certain needs, which vary according to our stage of life”.
The psychologist Francisco Martínez proposes thinking about friendship following the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle. “He spoke of friendship for utility, for pleasure and for virtue. He said that the first two are destined to have an expiration date, while the virtuous one is enduring", points out Martínez, and indicates: "Patients usually bring me a classic conflict, which is when the nature of their friendship is not what they believe what is it. One of the two believed, for example, that he had a friend by virtue and later it is shown that for the other this friendship was based on utility. When it's no longer useful, it disappears."
What reasons can make us distance ourselves from our friends? As explained by the psychologist Ingrid Molina, among the most common are changes in life, interests or values, lack of communication, conflicts and disagreements, betrayal or lack of trust, lack of support or empathy and jealousy or envy.
Pablo Cordero (27) moved to Madrid at the age of 19. “I distanced myself from a person who was my friend for about five years. We were super close. We saw each other a lot, we skated together. Yes, it seemed a little selfish to me, but maybe the younger me was not capable of saying no to certain things that I did not agree with, "he explains: "I introduced him to the rest of my skateboarding friends and over time they all warmed up. they began to realize that he was taking advantage of people. In addition, he had a very bad attitude that generated a lot of tension in the group and in the end we ended up the hard way. We all distanced ourselves from him and I never spoke to him again, ”adds Pablo.
Claudia is from a small town in the south of Spain and has been living in a big city for a few years. “My life changed completely. I ended up distancing myself from many people. There didn't even have to be an argument,” she says. “It is not just a question of distance, but that your priorities are no longer the same. I didn't follow the script about what you're supposed to do in life. By not meeting those standards, I felt that I no longer fit in and that I had to explain myself all the time, as if I were swimming against the current”, she clarifies.
“I have felt like a weirdo for a long time”, says Claudia and indicates: “I do not have a standard job, with the typical routine. They would make comments to me like: ‘When are you going to work for real?’ They would make me feel like he was doing something wrong.” The closer she got to the life she had always wanted to live, the more removed she always felt from her friends.
“I'm queer. There are people who think they understand it and then it turns out that they don't”, she explains and points out: “I had two very close friends in my town who suddenly made comments like 'If I find out that one of you is a lesbian, I get up and leave'. At that time, I still didn't even know what it was. Then I was evolving and I realized that she did not fit there. That kind of stuff forces you to distance yourself.”
"There are several stages of life in which it is more common for friendships to grow apart, especially in transition stages, such as adolescence or the transition to adult life," explains psychologist Ingrid Molina, adding : “At this stage, very significant changes are experienced at the level of identity, interests and social circles. New friendships can be formed by preserving or leaving behind childhood relationships.
According to Molina, “with the passage of time, our interests or values can change. If they get too far from our friends, that friendship can be damaged. Certain changes that we go through throughout our lives can cause people to temporarily distance themselves and lose contact.
For Nicole Abaca (31), immigration had an impact on her childhood friendships. "It was a breaking point because obviously we no longer had day-to-day life and we stopped talking so much," says the Argentine, who lived in Canada for three years and settled in Barcelona four months ago, although she clarifies that "the situation later reversed. Suddenly we resume conversations on WhatsApp. Now we are much more present in our lives, even if it is virtually.
Gabriela Moreno (29) is from Venezuela and has lived in Spain for five years. “There were no friends left in Venezuela, they all went to different places. Each one met people from other places, took different cultural references, other ways of thinking. A disconnect is generated, which is quite sad. We live in different worlds, it is the secondary effect of migration”, Gabriela assesses.
Not only the physical distance, "such as a change of address or job, which makes the interaction less" can cause a distance, says the psychologist Ingrid Molina. Certain vital moments, "such as maternity or paternity, retirement, starting work while your friends continue studying, love breakups, family or personal problems", also reformulate our lives, change our priorities and can cause a gap with our friendships.
“Motherhood makes you live a different life. Your plans, your schedules and your priorities will be others. You have no choice but to get together with people who are going through the same thing", says Agostina (32), who is the mother of a six-month-old baby and adds: "It also happened to me the other way around, when I was friends with mothers while I still It was not. I felt apart from them. Beyond the schedules, I felt that we were in another total harmony of life. I didn't know what to ask or how to accompany them. I felt there was a chasm between us."
“It is a very intense stage where priorities are redefined and the day to day changes a lot,” says psychologist Ingrid Molina. For his part, the psychologist Francisco Martínez points out: “Maternity and paternity reconfigure relationships with one's own environment. The dedication to the baby means that there is not much space for pleasure outside the home. Here appears the challenge on how to fit activities and time together. Although virtuous friends do not need much time, it is undeniable that the way of relationship changes. Many people describe a certain abandonment by their friends.
“Although there are people who have been super attentive and have surprised me a lot, in general, I have felt a little disappointed. Everyone does what they can, but I didn't think it would be like this,” confesses Nicole, 32, who has a four-month-old son. And she adds: “Saturday arrives and they all go to the beach. I still can't go with my baby. Nobody does a while to maybe hang out at home for breakfast. I don't need them to come help me, but to spend some time with me, to have a coffee, to talk. My partner is at the office all day and the days sometimes feel like forever. It's that feeling of loneliness. The truth hurts."
One of her best friends, she explains, has been experiencing a difficult situation for several months. “I found out after three months. She told me that she had not told me anything so as not to bother me because I am very busy with my baby. That made me feel pretty bad. I realized that they no longer see me in the same way and that our friendship is not the same as before”, says Nicole: “I had a son, but I am still a person and a friend. I can support, talk… maybe not at the same times as before, but I can”, she adds.
Retirement -says Ingrid Molina- is another moment in life that can mark a short circuit in a friendship relationship. “When you retire, you experience very structural changes in daily life. There is no longer a pre-established routine at the work level and much more free time has to be managed. Friendships may not all be at the same life stage." In the same way, professional responsibilities or relationships can change priorities and the availability of time to dedicate to that friendship.
Rosario began her courtship with who is now her husband at the age of 16. “When I was a teenager, this made a huge difference with the rest of my friends. In addition, I began to study the career and work at the age of 18. Most of my group of friends were single and did not work. They went out partying Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I couldn't keep up. It was very tiring”, explains Rosario.
Today the situation is very different. “I feel that now I can share many more things because we are in the same life stage”, she says and clarifies: “In any case, we love each other very much and we have learned to support and accompany each other beyond the stage of life in which we are each ”.
"The fact that at certain moments in life we do not share as much or as much as before with our friends does not mean that the friendship has ended or that it no longer works," says Ingrid Molina and adds: "It is normal for friendships to go through ups and downs, and this does not necessarily mean that the friendship is in danger. After periods of little or no interaction, many times they reconnect and resume the friendship relationship”.
For that to happen -says the expert- both must be willing to continue nurturing and caring for the friendship relationship, maintain honest and open communication, find time to connect and share quality moments, accept the changes of the other person and that friendly relationship, showing support and empathy, avoiding negative confrontation, and having more than one group of friends. "Diversifying is important because we go through different stages and our needs keep changing," explains Molina.
“Friendship also implies conflict. Discuss with friends. We think differently and that's wonderful. Having friends is constantly wrestling with our own narcissism. We compete with friends, but they also support us in the pain of existence”, says the psychologist Francisco Martínez and adds: “We cannot think that the relationship should always be the same. We are maturing, and neither they nor we can ask the other to remain the same”.
However, he warns that: “Sometimes it is difficult for us to be honest with ourselves about whether the friendship has already ceased to exist or whether it has been producing too much discomfort in our being for a long time. If friendship is a suffering, perhaps we should painfully accept the end of it.
“Friendships are a matter of two, they are valuable and require effort and commitment from both parties. However, sometimes it is important to learn to let go. This does not invalidate the friendship or the value of shared memories”, says Ingrid Molina and adds: “If you feel that the situation generates a lot of discomfort and you do not know how to manage it, it is important to validate that pain and be able to ask for psychological help.
“With the family, in the end, it's time to fight to get along, even though it can be very hard. But with friends it's different. If there has been an argument, I have tried to talk and fix it. But if I see that the other person doesn't fit my ideas or has offensive ideas, he can't give me the same. With age you become more selective and you can't put up with anything. That is why it is increasingly difficult to have friends, ”says Claudia, although she clarifies:“ There are friends who come and stay. That we evolve, although not necessarily at the same rate, more or less in the same direction. For this type of friendship, I think it is worth the effort to take care of it and maintain it. We don't have to talk every day. But we both know the other is there."
