The terrible thing is that I see the steps that my illness is taking.
Alzheimer.
Sometimes I dream that it is an invented reality and that after using it so much, like the roles I played in the theater, I have believed that it is true.
...
Well, I'm already doing the drama and he hasn't even asked me a question yet ha ha ha.
It's that it's very hard.
It's like a little mouse that every day eats a piece of your brain. Just dinner for now, but soon you'll want to eat dinner, lunch, and breakfast until you've run out of brains.
What forecast do you have?
The advantage is that I am an older lady, although I wouldn't know how old I am right now, I'm around 70.
He does not work anymore?
I stopped working when I was diagnosed, but the memory lapses started much earlier. I am writing a book in which I tell it: When it is no longer me.
This one you just posted.
Yes, sorry. Alzheimer's is wickedly subtle, time passes and I can't be very aware of it. I always liked to write, I have many written diaries but I can't find them, or maybe I haven't written as many as I think. Everything in my life is unknown.
No certainty?
My house where I feel protected and comfortable, and my family.
How did Alzheimer's start?
I felt more and more insecure on stage, which has been my lover, my friend, my everything. Stepping into it was like jumping into an empty pool, I had panic attacks, so I went to all kinds of doctors, but no one could find anything for me.
And he kept going on stage.
Yes, having a prompter nearby, and it was hard every day to force myself out, they prescribed me tranquilizers until I was finally diagnosed and my life stopped.
How about at the movies?
In the last film I made, in 2019, when they said action I was speechless, I did not remember the text or I got stuck with the words, but now I am making a documentary with Claudia Pinto about the process of my disease from the beginning.
What do you expect?
I hope it will be useful for people who suffer from it, so that they do not feel so alone, and for caregivers to understand us better.
He seems to be doing well with his illness.
My older brother had polio when he was 4 years old and it left him in a wheelchair. I have never heard him complain, he handles it with integrity and intelligence. For me it is an example, because I complain, I cry, I despair. Then I have my other brother, Joan, who is always there.
How was the diagnosis made?
It was a relief to know, I thought: "Well, I'm not crazy, although I will end up being." I suffered a lot, now I suffer but it's different, suddenly one day I stop being able to do something, but I have the actress who comes to my aid.
Tell me.
He helps me fight my friend Al, so I've decided to call Alzheimer's. People tell me that I have to fight and I think: I can only accept, so I thought it was better to treat him as a friend than an enemy.
That is wise.
It is as if a squatter thief had come to live in the house and takes something with him every day, but after accepting it I feel more relaxed.
Aren't you afraid?
Yes. When I see Al moving on, because I'm still noticing it, I darken and say, “Al, leave me alone for a while!”, I have imaginary dialogues, and I'm not crazy.
Get excited.
Because I feel grateful for life. Now it's my turn to smear, like so many people. But I am clear that I want to leave lucid, recognizing the people I love.
Have you planned your death?
Yes, I don't want to live without being in me. When my Alzheimer's advances I want a dignified death.
Euthanasia?
Yes, after saying: "We've been through everything, happy moments and difficult moments, we've learned from life, and now goodbye and be good", I want to die like this.
What has life taught you?
It is a path of continuous learning. I studied Gestalt therapy with Claudio Naranjo and that has helped me a lot to be in the here and now without obsessing over what is to come.
What is the best thing in life?
Have a vocation and follow it. And when life gives you blows that you don't understand, take it as a lesson, then you'll understand. I have cried a lot, for love, for lack of love... Tears are good, you have to let them go. The most important thing is to work.
To oneself?
If I hadn't, we wouldn't be talking like this now. I think this dying thing I'm doing quite well. I whimper, but then I think about how old I am: I've already lived.
