“We may go weeks or months without speaking to each other, but when we do it is as if no time has passed,” says Ziortza Azpiazu, 37 years old. She lives in Bizkaia (Basque Country). Both her best friend from her school and one of her best friends from her university live far away from her. Despite the distance, they have been friends for almost twenty years. Can you be close friends from miles away?
“While sharing daily experiences can strengthen connection and deepen friendship, intimacy can be developed and maintained despite physical distance,” says therapist specialized in immigration grief Gabriela Giménez.
“Proximity favors the bond of friendship, but it is not so critical that this relationship cannot survive if they move away,” agrees psychologist Carolina Palau and indicates that: “There are people who are very far away from us who we can feel very close to.” and we know that we can count on her at any time.” On the contrary, she clarifies, there are people we see every day - for example, some co-workers - with whom the same thing is not necessarily generated.
“I have more relationships with some people who live far away than with others who live nearby, because you know that you can call them and count on them at any time,” says Ziortza.
“I have a childhood friend who lives in Canada. In eleven years, we only saw each other a couple of times. But he is like my brother. He is my confidant, the first one I tell everything to,” explains Juan Candanoza, 36, for his part. He is Colombian and lived four years in London, six in Barcelona and has already been living in Australia for almost a year.
Juan is used to having close friends who live in cities very far from his own. “Every time I see them, it's like no time has passed. It's okay if we don't talk to each other for a month or two. There are no recriminations. We both know that we are there for each other,” he says and assures: “There is no need for a daily life. You know that they are friendships that will continue over time and that you can always count on them.”
In English there is the expression 'pen pals'. The literal translation would be 'pen pals', but the idea refers to pen pals. It is a very common type of relationship before the emergence of the Internet and new technologies, when young people traveling around the world resorted to postal mail to maintain the friendships they had made outside their place of residence. Sometimes abroad, but many others simply the summer place, where we would socialize for a few weeks or months with friends whom we would not see until the following year, or perhaps never again. Nowadays 'pen pals' have become 'net pals'.
“Routine leads us not to write or call each other for weeks, but we shouldn't hold that against ourselves. Just catch up and go from there,” agrees Ziortza. For her, one of the reasons why these ties continue is because, in addition to sharing “ideas and values”, these relationships are a shared priority. “Every time they come to visit their families, we do everything possible to see each other, even if it's just for a little while. We make the most of that little time we share,” she says.
Ziortza lived in Ecuador and still maintains friends from there. “That is more complex, because of the time difference and because we don't see each other even once a year. Sometimes relationships cool down, but WhatsApp and social networks are a great help,” she says.
“We met in Italy and we always knew that we were going to separate, because we are all from different parts of Spain,” says Ana María Bosch, a 22-year-old girl from Valencia, about her group of Erasmus friends. Once the exchange program ended, they went from seeing each other every day to meeting only a few times a year. “By not sharing that everyday life, relationships change. Distance makes you have to work harder to show an interest and follow up with messages or calls,” she says.
For Ana María, the key is in the details. Tell that friend 'I remembered you and I wanted to tell you', invite them to your city or send them a letter, a postcard or even a 'meme' on Instagram that lets them know that you have them in mind and that you are there for him or her.
“It's about adapting, some prefer calls and others feel more comfortable talking through the group we share on WhatsApp,” explains Ana María and clarifies: “If I talk to you now, you don't need to answer me right away. They are not urgent things. But there has to be desire and interest on both sides. There cannot be one after the other. You have to do follow-up routines, ask the other about their life, about their new job.”
“Friendship relationships can be flexible and adaptive, allowing intimacy to develop and be maintained despite the challenges of distance. However, each friendship is unique and each person's individual needs regarding intimacy and frequency of interaction may vary,” explains therapist Gabriela Giménez. To maintain that intimate connection, he indicates, it is essential that both parties are committed and willing to work on the relationship.
“Although with social networks we can communicate immediately, there are other things in our lives. It is interest that will encourage the encounter with the other, whether digital or physical. If that interest is genuine, I'm going to call him, write to him or do whatever I can to get closer to see him. Distance can make it difficult, but it is not an impediment,” says psychologist Carolina Palau.
As Palau explains, “what has to remain is feeling comfortable and safe there. It is true that everyday life helps this happen, because to feel safe there has to be proximity. But that proximity can be physical or emotional. The fact of not sharing a space does not mean that we have to lose that harmony, that support or that we no longer feel connected and cared for by that bond.”
There are things that can help this relationship maintain, and even grow, despite the distance, says Palau. “Those friendships have to be cared for and watered. The links do not exist because they are at a distance or closeness, but because they are worked on, because there is a joint experience, a willingness to share, shared values, trust, listening and acceptance of the other," he says.
For her part, therapist Gabriela Giménez explains that the friendships that are most likely to survive and remain strong despite the migratory distance are usually those that have “a solid foundation of trust, open communication, commitment, mutual support. in the individual changes of each one and a lot of flexibility.”
“Maintaining and growing a relationship despite distance requires effort, dedication and creativity,” says the expert. There are certain strategies that can help. If, in addition to distance, there is a significant time difference between us, you can establish a regular time to talk.
It also recommends trying to plan visits and physical meetings, being present and providing support during important moments, celebrating important dates and finding ways to share interests and experiences (even digitally) that make us feel close, among others. Finally, it is key to be empathetic and understand that we may be living different realities and experiences.
“For me it is important to see each other,” says Ana María Bosch and clarifies: “You are excited to invite your friend to visit your city, get to know your surroundings, the bar where you have breakfast, the place where you are going to relax or your nightclub. favorite. But you also have to assume that it will not be the same as a relationship in which you see each other every day to make plans. The important thing is that that time in which you do see yourself is taken advantage of and is of quality.”
She has already spent several hours traveling by car from Valencia to Madrid and has made more than one quick trip just to spend a weekend with a friend or not miss her birthday. “These relationships also have this part that you make efforts to see each other. That is highly valued and makes for more intense friendships,” explains Ana María.
