I did not see a second of the coronation of King Charles III of England. He had more important things to do, like going through cat videos on YouTube. What did not escape me was the news that the new monarch has proposed to investigate the suspicion that his ancestors got rich from the slave trade, which would open the door to the disbursement of juicy royal reparations.
I thought three things. One, that Carlos is joining a very fashionable trend today. The state of California, for example, is studying offering reparations to its black population. Due to colonial issues, the Government of Venezuela requests reparations from Spain, that of Jamaica from the United Kingdom, that of Namibia from Germany, and that of Haiti from France. Communities of Mapuche descent request reparations from the governments of Argentina and Chile. And so, lots of other cases.
The second thing I thought was why would King Charles limit himself to compensating only for the damages that the monarchy caused on the other side of the ocean? Why not put a price on the subjugation of England's poor during feudal times; to the executions of political enemies; to the persecution of Catholics during the 16th century?
My third thought is more self-centered, but the premise on which it is based could be extended in a financially attractive way to most readers of this column. We are all a mix of races. We all have ancestors born in different geographies. I am no exception. I review my family history and my genetic map, and–this is what I'm going for–I see opportunities to demand reparations from half the world, hopefully enough to resolve the sorrows I suffer to make ends meet.
I would start by writing a letter to Carlos III, the richest king in the world. He would demand reparations due to me for having had a Scottish father and an Irish great-grandmother. I would base myself on the atrocities of the English in Scotland in the 12th century (remember the movie Braveheart) and the famines they imposed on Ireland in the 18th and 19th centuries. If we add to this that my father's family is Catholic, well, I'll tell Carlos III that the historical memory that I keep of the treatment we suffered at the hands of Henry VIII and his daughter (with sin conceived) Isabel I is the only explanation. possible of the psychological disorders that I suffer from and that anyone who knows me sees.
But demanding financial compensation from the English monarchy would only be the beginning of my fundraising adventure. Thanks to the wonders of science, I possess the tree of my genetic DNA, whose roots extend to the Near East, 33,000 years before the birth of Christ. A world of possibilities literally opens up for me.
Well, the Spanish side, which in turn includes an Italian component, may not bear much fruit. A lot of empire there, that of Felipe II and the Roman. Better to focus on what is in vogue today, on ancestors who suffered from slavery.
I'll scratch first into my Russian genes. Slavery – or a massive system of serfdom – was not abolished in Russia until 1861. There is a good chance that my former relatives were serfs and owned by the Czars. If I find out, I'll write to the current Tsar of Russia to see if he can spare me a few rubles. I know you're a little tight on money, with so many missiles gone bad and so many mercenaries you have to pay for, but I'll bet you're in need of some laundering and that the act of contrition it would mean putting money into my bank account It would help settle your accounts with God. Hard, yes. But what do I lose by trying?
Fortunately I also have African ancestors. The pygmies in my family tree may not yield much (who to appeal to?), but I place great hopes in my Yoruba ancestors, natives of what is now Nigeria. Here are two possible sources of income. Or three. The British and the Americans on one side; the descendants of Nigerian slave hunters for another.
The Yorubas were among the unfortunate Africans that the English transported to North America, and that the North Americans sentenced to forced labor. That's why I'm paying special attention to the current California initiative to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to black people. It's not law yet, but if it becomes law, and if it's later extended to the rest of Abraham Lincoln's country, I'll be at the bottom of the canyon. I will not hesitate to send the documents to Washington that prove my African condition.
The third option would be today's Nigerian billionaires, several of them in government, people whose relatives have in some cases begun to amass their fortunes from the business of capturing and selling future slaves to English traders. In this matter of reparations, I think it is important to apply an egalitarian principle and attribute historical responsibility regardless of skin color.
Now yes. I know. There will be those who read this who will think that I am foolishly delusional, that everything I have proposed so far is nonsense. OKAY. But no more nonsense, I would say, than to think that this historical reparations thing is something feasible in the real world. Take the case of Venezuela: President Nicolás Maduro clearly has Spanish blood. Would he be the recipient of reparations or a contributor? Or look at California: If a person who is running for your state gift turns out to be only three-fourths or two-fifths black, are they given three-fourths or two-fifths of what a 100 percent black person would get? ? Will lots of white-appearing people suddenly find out they had black great-aunts? Will the money go to rich blacks, to the Will Smiths, or will there be an income scale that determines how much each gets? It is clear that both arithmetic and genetic questions will create problems that are almost impossible to solve.
But, but... in that "almost" I insist on seeing an opportunity. I recommend that, with exceptions such as Carlos III and family, we all sign up for the lottery. There is nothing to lose and, while the repair fever lasts, much to dream about.
