In 2015, psychologist Sara Tarrés wrote on her blog about a topic she was encountering in consultation: mothers who verbalized feelings of “not being able to do it anymore” with their children. Mothers disconcerted because their children generated “a lot of rejection” for them. Rage, even. The entry began to circulate and, to her surprise, Tarrés began to receive emails from women who identified with the content. Mothers who assured the unmentionable: they did not like their children.
Since 2015, a few years and several social transformations have passed: there are fewer and fewer children and they are born later, but the supply and information regarding parenting has multiplied at great speed. Parenting is increasingly accelerated and demanding, while “perfect mothers” have exploded on social networks: influencers with millions of followers, who say they enjoy every minute they spend with their children (and monetize them properly).
The pandemic also arrived and the rise of new trends in parenting, with names as resounding as “respectful” or “attachment”, which put the burden of care on mothers. Educational styles in which the child becomes the absolute center of the family. And, in many cases, she runs the family.
From this professional and social context emerges My Son I Don't Like (Ed. Platform). A book that, despite its provocative title, the author has written as a guide to address an issue that, if not addressed, can become a serious problem.
A journalist colleague was scandalized by the title of her book. What reaction have you had since its publication?
I have received criticism, but I have to say that I have felt more welcomed than rejected. There are people who have thanked me, because they have told me that, finally, they have felt understood. It is true that it is a hard topic, but it is a topic that must be talked about. Because if we continue hiding it, we won't be able to treat it. It won't help you. We need to talk about this other side of motherhood that is hidden and that ends up causing us so much frustration: no one treats this discomfort.
This colleague also told me that it is impossible for you to dislike your son...
Well, that seems to me to negate your emotion. And, from my point of view, what is impossible is not to feel emotions. I'm not telling you that there can't be families in which there is only peace and no type of emotions such as anger and frustration, but I wonder at the cost of what: Saying yes to everything? That your son is the “Sun King” and he ends up becoming a tyrant? That your life consists of meeting their needs at the expense of others? Of yours?
Why do you only talk about mothers in your book?
I have not written from the male point of view because I do not know it, I have not had access. The book was born from cases of mothers in consultation and from the reactions received when I spoke publicly about this issue on my blog and in an interview.
What are the symptoms that we “don't like” a child?
They are unpleasant thoughts, behaviors and emotions regarding the relationship with the son or daughter. Even rejection of her presence. Emotions that clash with the idea that they have sold us of what motherhood is, where only love and selflessness fit. Emotions that, if we do not learn to manage, can end up causing great discomfort.
What leads you to experience something like this?
In the book I tell the various reasons, but I think that everything goes back to these ideas that we have of how we want to be as mothers: whether we like it or not, we all have that idea of perfect mothers and all this generates a series of expectations, both for us ourselves as towards our children. And if the distance between the ideal and reality is very great, then imagine everything that ends up sneaking in there: frustration, anger, shame, anguish, fears... And even rejection.
Are social networks, with those wonderful and very happy mothers, with millions of followers, also guilty of this idealization of parenting?
It's like that. There is this part of the networks that is manipulating us, that is taking us to a place where there are many vested interests so that these messages of perfection penetrate very deeply. But, on the other hand, there is also this part on the networks, perhaps a little more “rebellious”, of people who say that real life is something else and that these messages are only creating discomfort.
How does the physical strain of parenting, such as the increasingly normalized lack of sleep, influence this discomfort? The Spanish Academy of Pediatrics estimates the incidence of childhood insomnia at 30%...
It has a lot of impact, because lack of sleep, both in creatures and in us, leads to your brain being irritated, having levels of negativity. Insomnia has a lot to do with “caregiver burnout syndrome.” It makes you irritable, losing interest in those activities in which you previously found pleasure. All of this impacts your relationship with the child: your parenting skills are not at the optimal level to support them so they can develop.
Unlike adolescence, childhood is a time of parenting that, in theory, is sweeter. Why can this rejection be given to the child at this stage?
Since we have those expectations of perfection, of “I never”, “my son never”, there comes a time when we do not understand things as normal as tantrums, for example, which we do not know how to manage. And from there up. Because if we do not manage basic things, such as tantrums, children continue to have them and everything increases: as they grow, the child answers us, has a very low tolerance for frustration, can become a little tyrant... And all this is drags, causing this distaste for the child, which can be verbal or gestural, but which, in both cases, the child perceives, already at a very young age.
And how do these messages affect you?
It affects a lot, on a family and individual level. In fact, acting like this as parents (or, when there are siblings, showing favoritism, which I also talk about in the book), can make you feel like you are not worthy of being loved. Or that they seek your attention through disruptive behaviors, which what they do is confirm why you don't like your son or daughter. “He is a disaster, a scoundrel…” Labels are placed that only increase the Pygmalion effect, or the self-fulfilling prophecy.
There may also be long-term anxiety and depression. I have people who have come to me, as adults, after reading the book, saying that they know that their father or mother didn't like them and that that has been very brutal for them. Because they have always wanted people to look at them, but they didn't see them. They have always felt like strangers, like they were leftovers in the family.
And how can you deal with this?
If we have the opportunity because we have a more or less optimal relationship with our parents, we can talk about this topic, put it on the table. Without looking for blame, but simply explaining that at that moment one felt that way. And perhaps things that were unknown will be discovered that explain what was happening; The vast majority of parents do not want to harm their children; they may have lacked parenting tools at a certain point. But if we see that this is going to cause a conflict from which we will not get anything clear, perhaps we will have to find another way to heal these childhood wounds. But each case must be studied in depth.
In the book he says that this feeling of “I don't like him” is more socially accepted in adolescence. But is normal?
If you “don't like someone” it means not wanting to be with that person, not wanting to share things with them at that moment. That is normal, but another thing is that this person is someone from our family, with whom we have to live. Therefore, at all stages, childhood and adolescence, an effort must be made. Especially us adults, because in principle, we would have to regulate our emotions better.
What does happen is that many teenagers “dislike” their parents for a while…
Yes, obviously, because what we parents try to do is set rules and limits, which they, due to age, have the “obligation”, in quotes, to ignore, because the adolescent has to investigate the world. They need to explore their environment, but in a different way than the family tells them to. They need new references to find their place outside the family. And when we set limits for them, they dislike us, of course.
How to distinguish between a bad stage of living with children and an entrenched feeling of rejection. What would be the red lines that mark asking for professional help?
Parenting has some stages that are more complex than others, but the complex ones are usually temporary. Therefore, when a month, month and a half has passed, and you don't see a clear reason why you are upset with your child; or if everything seems very difficult and you don't feel well, then he asks for help. It is better to do it before, to give you some guidelines to solve the problem, so that it does not drag on and accumulate. I always say that before we reach the limit, we look for strategies and external professional help, because when we have reached the limit, everything is more difficult to solve. And sometimes we get stuck.
