According to CIS data from 2023, 47.6% of Spaniards surveyed strongly agree or agree that a person can maintain “two or more emotional-sexual relationships at the same time.” If we look at the age range of 55 to 64 years - from which we target in Longevity - more than 45% accept this statement. On the other hand, for 41.4% "the members of a couple can agree to have sexual relations with other people outside the couple without there being a sentimental link with them", and in the 55 to 64 age group they are 36. 9% those who agree or strongly agree with this sentence.
These situations that the CIS raised in its Survey on post-pandemic social and emotional relationships are descriptions that are framed in consensual non-monogamy: non-monogamous emotional sexual relationships in which there is consent of those involved, unlike what happens in the infidelity. In this consensual non-monogamy there are dozens of diverse options for emotional and sexual agreements. Some examples may be swinger couples (who have regular encounters or relationships with other couples), polyamory (loving relationships with several people at the same time), relational anarchy (when labels are not placed on emotional relationships)... And also open couples, in which both members agree to include the possibility of having sexual relations with other people, together or separately.
Dr. José Díaz Morfa, psychiatrist and president of the Spanish Association of Clinical Sexology, conducts studies that state that between 5% and 8% of stable relationships could be considered open couples. How many of them are mature couples, in the age group in question, is more difficult to know.
“This type of union is only viable if it is formed by people who are self-confident, with their own criteria that are little influenced and less dependent on others. They share their lives, but they do not need each other to live. And if they work it is precisely because there is a deep and healthy love that demonstrates above all respect,” says the specialist.
Maturity can be a key moment in long-term couples. “They have been together for a long time, at 55 they have already finished raising children and it is often a time of sexual reunion. Sometimes the question arises: will I never be with anyone else for the rest of my life? And the issue is put on the table. Sometimes there are conversations about opening the relationship with small steps: doing something with other people separately, having a threesome... And the topic is being raised?” says Marina Castro, psychologist specializing in sexology and couples therapist.
Sometimes this moment of willingness to experiment coincides, in women, with menopause, “this is a way to encourage desire. Since there is not so much passion in the relationship, new stimuli are needed, which in addition to new practices or erotic toys, can be relationships with other people,” explains Castro. “At this age, men often do not take well to needing more time to arouse or recover after intercourse. Therefore, on the one hand, the woman sometimes wants to experiment, and the man is sometimes afraid of not working and closes himself off,” says the therapist, who adds another factor to the equation. "In addition, at this stage of life there is more free time to rethink and experience sexuality."
“Let's also note that in swinging clubs, the average age is not 30 years, it is much higher. The reason is that these options are normally considered in adulthood, when they have been with their partner for many years,” adds Castro.
From the age of 50, according to Díaz Morfa, living apart together is increasingly common, increasing in all European countries. “In this type of stable couple that lives separately, there is a small percentage of open couples. When they have been together for 20 or 25 years, some of them, if they are well and the children are independent, consider having an open relationship, because they want to experience other things.”
Lidia Manot is a coach, disseminator and author of the book Loving beyond monogamy (Alienta Editorial), creator of the Openmandarina project, aimed at the dissemination and support of conscious relationships in polyamory and non-monogamy. “I think that what a 30-year-old person is working on is very different from what someone who is 55 is working on. What mature people who come to retreats or accompaniment repeat most is that their lifelong beliefs weigh them down, it is difficult for them to let go. above social inertia. They repeat themselves, “now so late, why try to change?” People aged 58 and 60 have come to the retreats, and they do their process in their own way,” she explains to La Vanguardia.
For Manot, “all of us who are in this want to go to the essence of knowing who you are, moving away from the traditional map. In non-monogamy or in more conscious love, all questions and answers are valid, it is about creating healthy bonds with other people. It's about deconstructing what you have internalized about love, and thinking about what makes you feel safe in a relationship, what quality time is, whether or not we want sexual and emotional exclusivity (which is just one more element of everything). this matter)..." . Age, he says, is often a mental barrier to allowing yourself to rethink your relationships. “Some interested people don't come to the retreats because “I'm old,” they impose this stigma on themselves.”
Xevi, who lives in Girona and is 62 years old, told La Vanguardia about his experience exploring bisexuality in adulthood. To carry out that desire, he opened the relationship with his wife, having hours and hours of conversation about how to stay together—they love each other—and at the same time satisfy the individual sexual-affective needs of both. “I needed to live this facet of my life. We've read a lot about consensual non-monogamous relationships. It is a process with ups and downs, but with a lot of transparency and trust between us,” she explained. Apart from the bond with his wife, Xevi has a relationship of friendship and sex with a man, for whom she does not feel love. “It is not a polyamory story. With my partner we have very well defined rules on both of our parts,” he said. “Our relationship as a couple is much better now.”
“Before, everything was all about infidelity, but now many people, as they talk about the issue, approach the issue from emotional responsibility. I have some agreements and a bond with my partner, and from this emotional responsibility, I propose renegotiating the agreement,” says Marina Castro. Although there is more and more talk about sexual relationships, monogamy is still the norm. “That is why many people with non-normative relationships stay in the closet and do not explain to those around them that they have an open relationship, because they value that the harms outweigh the benefits.”
Marina Castro's advice gives basic advice. “A couple that is considering opening the relationship must talk a lot about what fears they have, what insecurities, what expectations, what reasons lead them to want to open the relationship... A lot of communication and a lot of emotional sincerity are the bases. “They are very uncomfortable conversations, they are many hours of talking.” According to this specialist, the link must be in a good moment, in a good state. “It involves risks, and it is better to be well before opening the relationship, as happens with the decision to have children.” Regarding explaining the details of the experiences lived outside the stable couple, “all agreements are consensual and respectable.” Another indication is to always be aware, before opening the relationship, of how we are going to feel when the other person tells us that they are going to be with someone else.
Elena (not her real name) is 55 years old and her partner, Carlos, is 56. They have been together for 18 years and have opened their relationship for a couple of years. “We come from two broken marriages, and we knew we didn't want to have a restrictive partner. That's why there were never sexual taboos between us, nothing to do with my previous marriage. Now it's been three years since we opened the couple. It all started with a threesome with another woman, which was repeated a couple of times. For a few years everything was put on hold due to raising our son, but when we got over that stage, we decided to open the relationship. Normally, we exchange partners,” she says. But they have the freedom to also be with other people. “For this I think you have to be very mature, because your relationship has to be strengthened by this experience. My relationship, like those I know in this, is solid. A couple who is not well cannot start with this, this is where you start when you have everything in your house, and you don't need anything else, but you want to play.”
Lidia Manot believes that to open a relationship to sexual non-exclusivity, “we must agree that we are going to be transparent, with the maximum possible communication, and we will accompany each other in the insecurities, fears or jealousies that may appear. We must establish having as much communication as possible about what is happening emotionally, or about what we need.”
In the same sense as Castro and Manot, Dr. Díaz Morfa believes that to have an open relationship, trust is the basis and, secondly, “being clear that it does not mean sleeping with just anyone.” Their advice is to “set limits that each couple considers about the frequency, the details to be explained or whether or not the sexual partners outside the couple can be people known to the other… The fear of most open couples is losing affection.” In a stable couple, they normally establish not getting emotionally involved with the other. The way to prevent this from happening is to set a limit on sexual encounters with the other person,” he concludes.
