“Sofi is from the family. She is my non-biological sister, ”says Lu Mendez and adds:“ I never had many friends. But she is unconditional. She is that person that you know she will always be with. No matter the time or distance. You talk or see yourself again and it's as if nothing had happened. Lu and Sofía are 37 and 38 years old and have been friends since they were fifteen. What sets these “lifelong” friendships apart, and why are they important?
“A long-term friendship is a free choice made over many years. It has a lot of value to choose someone during so many different stages of life", says the psychologist Julieta Domenicone, who adds: "A lifelong friend brings peace of mind, knowing that I have you, that you are there and that, whatever happens to me pass, I can count on you without conditions”.
"It does not matter what happens. It is a friendship so pure, deep and strong that, beyond the twists and turns of life, you know that it will always be there, even if we no longer see each other or do not share so much on a daily basis”, says Lu Mendez: “ We may not see each other for a year but, as soon as we meet again, it is as if time had not passed. We resume from the last coffee as if nothing had happened, ”he assesses.
“I know that twenty years can go by and we will continue to meet and make exactly the same plans. Whatever happens. It is that feeling of security, of home, that they will always be there, even when you are far away or time passes. I see myself as grandparents staying, as our parents continue to do”, comments Claudia Revenga.
Claudia has a large group of "lifelong" friends. “Many of our mothers have been pregnant together - she clarifies - and some have been added later. But we have always been the same group or gang, as we call it. Our parents have been friends and our grandparents too. It's like a very small-town relationship, ”she explains.
“A friendship of this type is greatly appreciated,” Bruno says. He and Víctor are 35 years old and share a friendship of more than twenty. They lived in the same building since they were little. “We went to different schools and then we started to agree on the topic of soccer. It was there when our paths began to cross”, says Bruno: “Later on, we made the same group of friends and we began to get along based on tastes, going to music festivals, cultural events, sharing trips. The relationship took hold, ”he adds.
When Bruno made a long trip to different countries, Víctor took a leave of absence to accompany him for six months. “That made the bond even stronger. There are many shared moments”, explains Bruno and clarifies: “At the same time, we are quite independent. There is no need to write to us every day. It is not a friendship that needs to be reinforced daily. They can go three weeks without talking to us and then call us and meet for lunch. I know I have Víctor there, and I don't worry about it”.
“When we are with these people, we feel at home and safe,” says psychologist Noemí Guillamón. “They are people who know you, who usually know our parents, our family. Our identity has been built with them. Normally, they are people with whom we do not have to pretend anything, nor do we feel the pressure to be or not be accepted or integrated into the group, because we already are. That gives us peace of mind and security. From there, we give ourselves permission to be ourselves ”, she adds.
“We have grown together. As we grow together, we have done a little to each other. It is a friendship that has marked our way of being”, explains Joana Cabratosa Pons (23). She and Ona Jou Oliveras (21) are from La Garrotxa and have known each other for as long as they can remember. “Our parents are part of the same colla (or group of friends). We have photos together since newborns. We have shared many famous gatherings and festivals in Catalonia”, says Ona Jou Oliveras.
Today they both live with two other friends from the same region in an apartment in Barcelona and share the @canputades account on Instagram and Tiktok, where they show their daily life together. “Ona is like a sister. She already knows everything about me and she will never judge me. We understand each other without the need to tell each other things. We even have our own language”, says Joana Cabratosa Pons. The feeling is shared. “I don't have siblings and she is the closest thing I have to that figure”, points out Ona Jou Oliveras and adds: “It is not necessary to meet up to catch up because we are always aware of each other's daily lives”.
In addition -explains Ona Jou Oliveras-, "the fact of knowing the context and history of each one, knowing what our families are like, what things we have been surrounded by, makes it easier to understand if, for example, the other one day is sad or happy. You know what kind of thing can hurt her or make her happy. I don't need to tell you."
“When you are with an old friend, with someone from childhood, there is a common language or code built over the years and with the accumulation of shared experiences. You know their expressions and their silences. Sometimes it is an almost secret code, where with certain words, the two people already know what they are referring to”, argues the psychologist Julieta Domenicone and adds: “Having a shared history is important because, as time goes by, the witnesses of our past are fewer and fewer. This relationship gives us a connection with the past, with our roots and identity”.
“These friendships have accompanied us throughout many years of our lives. They know us at different times in our life cycle: as children, as young people, without and with different partners, without and with children, in our time of study, going out, living our first experiences of everything," says Noemí Guillamón: " We are united by that story we have in common, all those experiences from the past. When we get together, it is very common for us to talk about old stories and exploits lived. That is why it is important to maintain these friendships, because they give us a sense of identity and continuity with our lives," he sums up.
However, the expert warns that this can also be a source of pressure. “Many people in consultation state that it is easier for them to change or improve certain things with new people than with lifelong friends. Sometimes those longtime friends, just like family, may not take our changes very well,” she explains. In this sense, she indicates that "the friendships we make as adults, when we already have a more defined and structured identity, tend to be more coherent with who we are now, because we share similar interests and the same vital moment".
“We were super close in our youth, when we were twenty. We spent every weekend together. As we grew, each one shaped her life”, explains Lu Mendez and adds: “She was a mother first and the dynamics changed. She had another rhythm of life, another routine and other priorities. We maintained the relationship, but it was not the same, because we did not share the day to day. That was a first big change. Then I came to live from Argentina to Barcelona and the distance and the time difference also made it a bit more difficult. That was another readjustment that made us distance ourselves a bit.”
"The most common thing is that these lifelong friendships change or have different intensity throughout life," says the psychologist Noemí Guillamón and adds: "There are people with whom we can have a point of connection at a moment determination of life and then distance ourselves. The reasons are many and varied. Sometimes other friendships appear that for a while take up more space. There are also circumstances in life that make us leave this more social part aside, for example, when we have small children, we are going through health problems, we have very demanding jobs or we go to live elsewhere".
In those moments -indicates the expert-, "normally, we distance ourselves from previous friendships and we tend to make new friends that have to do with the new shared spaces. For example, in the case of having children, with moms and dads from school. Then later we can resume those previous relationships and/or relocate them in our current vital moment".
"All relationships mature in some way," says Claudia Revenga (23) and indicates: "As we get older, in the end everyone goes their own way, we start to see other people and it still shows that maybe We no longer prioritize the fact of, for example, going to our town for a weekend. It is noticeable that the paths separate a bit. But, in any case, there is still a very strong interest in getting together. We are all from Madrid and we see each other”.
“When we were younger, there were moments where we were in different phases. I was already of partying age and she was not yet. So the relationship was a bit more like an older sister and not so much equal to equal”, says Joana Cabratosa Pons. "But in the end we always ended up coinciding at the events organized by our families, so there was no distance," says Ona Jou Oliveras.
They are clear that, beyond the turns that life can take, they will always find a way to stay together. “Now I was living abroad for five months and we called each other every week. It was being far but still close. You know that the other one is there if you need it”, says Joana.
"I was living abroad for a while in England and, although there was a distance, every time we met again it was as if two days had passed," says Claudia Revenga. For Bruno, the fact of maintaining that friendship despite the distance is proof of the quality of that relationship. “I have had sections in which I have been traveling and, upon returning, I have noticed that this relationship was intact. When you haven't seen each other for a long time and you see that nothing has changed, it's because the connection is strong, ”he assures.
When Lu Mendez became a mother two years ago, she was able to meet her friend from another place. “I was able to understand many things. We shared again. Perhaps not so much on a day-to-day basis and not to the same extent as before. She changed the dynamic, but she's my best friend and I feel like she's always going to be,” she says.
