Ana Gildersleeve, a Spanish TikToker who lives in the United States, has become famous for videos where she compares parenting in her adopted country with that of her country of origin. See My thoughts on parenthood / motherhood in the U.S vs Spain, where she explains the differences between being a mother in Spain and in the United States. An experience, the latter, that she considers "much more isolated and boring."
While she makes up her photogenic face with a product she promotes, Ana details in peculiar English the wonders of parenting in her homeland. A country where families, she says: "They are away from home all the time, Monday to Friday, Saturdays and Sundays." Where, when the children leave school: "You go with them to the park and have a social life with other parents." In many of these parks, she adds the TikToker: "There is a small bar or a cafeteria next to it", so it is "super normal" to have a glass of wine or a beer while the creatures play.
Ana also considers that in the United States "it is very difficult" to organize appointments for children to go to play at other people's houses ("weeks, sometimes months"). There is no spontaneity, she regrets, something that does happen in Spain. Ana also mentions the lack of a "tribe" to help raise the children versus the closeness to the family that exists in Spain. She gives her native Valencia as an example, where her brothers, her mother, her aunts, grandmother and cousins live “a twenty-minute walk away”.
However, this young mother's biggest criticism of American parents is the rigidity with which they observe their children's bedtime schedules. "They stop what they are doing to take them home and put them to bed at seven in the evening (...) If your son is awake after eight, they see you as a bad mother." In Spain, she says, this does not happen: if it gets late, the Spanish parents put the child to sleep in the stroller or accommodate him between the classic chairs, joined together, in the restaurant. "In Spain, children adapt to adult schedules," says the TikToker, always applying makeup.
The video has almost four hundred thousand likes and a lot of comments. The majority of women. From mothers who also feel lonely and isolated in America. From mothers who say they adore “the simple things in Spain” or who applaud the idea of having a glass of wine while the children play in the park. Of mothers delighted with the coming and going during the week of Latino families. There are some (few) who are shocked by our schedules: “Shops close at noon, dinner at nine or ten! That affects the life of the country,” says one.
Beyond these personal observations, a few months ago the BBC published a story in which it included Spain as one of the five best countries in the world to emigrate with children. The ranking was drawn up from two studies by Unicef (Innocenti Report Card), which analyze the factors of child well-being in rich countries.
The BBC cited Japan (with the lowest rate of obesity and infant mortality and one of the safest, Estonia (with an excellent public education system), Spain, Finland and the Netherlands. Among the well-being factors in our country, emphasis was placed on which, according to Unicef sources: "It ranks third in the ranking of mental health well-being and fourth in academic and social skills."
In particular, the report highlighted the ease with which Spanish children make friends and the fact that the rate of adolescent suicide is one of the lowest in rich countries. Without forgetting the existence of maternity and paternal leave and a culture that "welcomes children"; in which it is socially accepted to take them everywhere. Again, that image of children in restaurants and those families with small children, walking down the street at midnight.
Miriam is American, mother of two children, ages 5 and 7. Last year she moved to Spain from California. She knows both cultures well, because she spent her childhood in Barcelona, and she has no doubt that they have made the right choice when coming here: “I am really enjoying being a mother in Spain. In San Francisco I was drowning, although I think the pandemic (and the four years of Trump!) had a lot to do with it. Safety was also a factor.” He agrees with the general appreciation that here there is more support, social and family, for upbringing: “I think that the feeling of being more isolated in America is true: there is the idea that you have to do things for yourself. It also happens that, often, we don't have our families close by, because we move a lot from one city to another”.
What he does perceive, emphatically, is “that since I live here I go out a lot more. I don't have time to attend to so many friends!” And she ratifies that stamp “of parents having a drink, while our children play in the park. Yes, I've seen it..." The mild climate is a factor that explains this life outdoors: "Although it's true that the houses are smaller than in America, so it's easier to get together, go out there with the children". It is a “very enjoyable” country, he summarizes, although the breaks at noon make him “a little crazy”. “They are too long! But they force me to call a friend to eat so, in a way, a culture is built in which there are spaces to stop and have a social life”.
Kate, who comes from Texas, has settled in Spain, she explains, "so that my two children can enjoy their childhood." She considers that here "they are safe and can be independent, which is a big difference with the United States." Kate is a single mother and she believes that they now live in an environment where the community is aware of her children and will help her if she needs it. One of the things that she praises: “It is that in Spain there is a beautiful multigenerational relationship; I like my children to see other children with their grandparents, in long after-dinner meals… We intend to stay for a long time”.
Amanda has just landed in Barcelona from Newbury, in Massachusetts, one of the most progressive states in the United States. She is still getting used to her new expatriate life, with a husband and two small children, but the first thing that strikes her is that there are maternity leave, which is rare in her country. Because of this "and because children's schooling starts later," she explains that many American women leave work and concentrate on parenting (full-time moms or full-time mothers). “That's fine, but sometimes this complete dedication can make you wonder: And who are you?” she muses.
The Spanish schedules, therefore, surprise him. He considers it basic that his children sleep the right amount of time: “My husband and I don't take them out to dinner; what we do, which is what is done in America, is take a kangaroo”. He does not agree, however, with the notion that in his country parenting is a boring and lonely activity: “In Newbury we lived in a suburb, in a dead-end street, and the children played in the street. Parents knew each other and formed a true community. The truth is that I miss it."
Although there is a community garden where she lives, neither she nor her children have made many friends yet. In part, because they are still learning the language, but also, as Kate, a Canadian mother, observes, because in Spain children see each other, but... late. “When my children were little, we lived in Barcelona and I felt very isolated: I didn't work and I was with them, but the parks, in the morning, were always empty. There was nothing to do with children during the day… I remember that I wanted to take my little two-year-old to swimming lessons and I didn't find anything until… 7 in the evening, for us, time to go to sleep!” . Spanish children's schedules have always surprised him: “They are so fair… They sleep very little. I think there is a lack of debate about this sleep deficit and its physical and learning consequences”.
Kate's experience in Spain compared to Canada, where her third child was born, makes her skeptical about “this perception that it is a super family-friendly country because there are families in restaurants: what I see are sleep-deprived children, that they are in nurseries from a very young age, so I do not agree with this idea that exists in North America that it is easier to raise children in Spain ”. In fact, she has an almost idyllic memory of her years as a parent in Vancouver. “There was a lot of spontaneity; I had kids coming over to the house all the time after school.”
The schedules and long after-dinner hours with children also continue to surprise Alex, an Englishman who spent his childhood between England and the United States and has lived in Barcelona for two decades. The father of two teenagers and an anthropologist, he knows well the differences between Anglo and Latino upbringings. “In the Anglo-Saxon world there is more separation between leisure and the domestic space, while in Spain people live more on the street; there is a more spontaneous social activity and that includes families”.
Alex works with North American students and remembers a student who once asked him why there were always so many people on the streets apparently doing nothing. “Because it is true that here it is customary to be out doing nothing in particular, while in England or the United States, people go out with one goal: they do, while here they are, almost as if they were at home”, he observes. And that, he says, can be both good and bad: "Because I think spontaneity is fine, but there is a lack of structure for children." And he wonders if, in a certain way, these dynamics are not done more for the well-being of the parents than that of the children.
