According to data from the National Institute of Statistics, the INE, 27,229 couples over 50 years of age divorced in 2022, a figure that represents 33.4% of the total marital breakups. The percentage is far, much larger, than the 20.4% that these so-called "gray divorces" represented a decade ago, in 2013. The demographic pyramid is changing, life expectancy is increasing, and we want to enjoy our mature stage, the The conception of divorce becomes broader, and it seems that breaking up a relationship after 30 years of marriage is no longer as scary as it used to be.
Any sentimental breakup—be it a divorce, a separation, the end of a courtship without cohabitation, or the breakup of a sexual-emotional bond—entails necessary emotional management. How can you face it constructively in adulthood, starting at 55 or 60 years of age? We talked about this with Silvia Congost, a psychologist specializing in self-esteem, emotional dependence and relationship conflicts, who has just published Diary of a Rupture (Aguilar).
Breakups increase at middle age, at least that's what the official data on divorce says... Why do you think this happens? Social and mental change at mature ages?
Yes, it is evident that breakups and divorces are increasing, but it is not an alarming fact, much less rare. Its normal. Nowadays, far from what some want to impose, the same thing that happened in the past continues to happen, the only difference is that our grandmothers (the grandmothers of my generation) could not separate because in their time divorce did not exist and today it does. Today it is easier on a legal level. Furthermore, life expectancy lengthens, we will live longer and we will not settle for a sad life next to someone whom we no longer love or who shows us every day that they do not love us...
Are there more men or more women who decide to make the decision to break up a relationship at this age (55 and up)? Why do you think this is so?
I don't know if the man or the woman makes the decision more frequently, what I can tell you is that we usually do it for different reasons. Normally, if a man separates at that age it is usually because he has another partner, while a woman, if she does so, is to rediscover herself, to do what she wants with like-minded people, friends, etc. The woman who separates after 60 is in no rush or goal to find another partner, while the man usually doesn't take long to pair up again.
At an age like this, many people stay together just to be together, because "now, at this point"... What do you think?
Well, it seems to me that as long as they make that decision consciously, that is, they don't complain daily, it's perfect. It's your life. If you are afraid or do not want to face that change, it is a very understandable decision. They choose resignation, being able to free themselves and live a new life full of surprises, illusions and opportunities, but it is only up to them to decide.
What should be taken into account before leaving a relationship, at a certain age, from 55 or 60, to make the decision? What questions should we ask ourselves?
We must be clear about why and why we want to take that step. The why is the reason, to find out what we are living now that we no longer want to live, what we want to get rid of. The why tells us what we want to achieve, what changes we want to make, where we want to direct our life without that person. If when we imagine our life away from our partner, we feel excitement, excitement and desire, that is the step we should take... When a person does it like this, they never regret it. It is normal for there to be fear, some insecurity or doubts, but if deep down we feel a clear and strong YES, it means yes. Even if our children do not understand or agree, it is our life and we must follow that desire.
Can you rebuild your emotional life at any age after a breakup?
Of course. The important thing is to make sure that you have successfully overcome the previous relationship, have learned from it and healed any wounds that remain. When one manages to find that state of well-being and inner peace while alone, that is when one is prepared to start a new relationship, if the right person appears.
But it is clear that rebuilding costs more in certain situations... Being 20 is not the same as being 60 and having spent 40 years with that person who suddenly disappears from your life... What is the difference between a breakup at 20 or 30? one at 60 or 70?
Starting at 60 is when our self-esteem is better. Although it may seem that the younger we are is better, life is much better at 60 than at 20. The most difficult thing for us when we are 60 is giving up the idea we had that we were going to grow old together. But beyond those expectations that are not going to be met, when we adapt, we do so without suffering as much as in other stages of our life.
Recovering from a breakup at 55 or 60 is not easy, depending on the situation... What do you recommend, first of all?
Seeking social support is the most important thing. Find other people who are in the same condition as us. That is, of a similar age and have also separated. With similar concerns and hobbies, with similar tastes and similar interests. People with whom to go out to dinner, organize trips, play sports, etc... This is the key to recovering our enthusiasm as soon as possible and realizing everything we have gained.
Are the phases that a person who has been “left” gone through the same at any age? Are there changes in the experimentation or duration of these phases, depending on the age or maturity of the people?
When they leave you for someone younger or who you perceive as “better than you” in some aspects, that is when we experience it the worst. It destroys our self-esteem and can make it harder for us to reach acceptance, which is the last phase of grief. Whatever age it is. But regardless of age, we always go through the same phases of grief. The difference is that sometimes, when it is a relationship of many years, without realizing it we have already grieved and when we leave the relationship it takes us very little time to recover. It's because we've already done it inside. In general, how long it takes us to overcome grief depends more on the level of emotional intelligence and maturity of each person and less on how old we are.
And then, in each phase, some practical advice?
Denial: becoming aware that we are deceiving ourselves and that the reality in front of us is what tells us that that person is no longer here. Hope is the first thing we must lose.
Anger: it is good to vent, scream, kick or release what we need but then know how to stop and continue looking forward. There is a time to let go of anger and a time when we must stop doing it.
Sadness: allowing ourselves moments of contemplation and sadness but without forgetting that we must make an effort (even if we don't feel like it) to stay with our people, have a social life and take care of ourselves.
Can a traumatic breakup greatly affect your health at a certain age?
Just like at any time in our lives. Sometimes it affects more and other times less.
Who handles senior breakups worse, men or women?
It's not that some handle it better and others worse. It's just that we carry them differently. They rush to find another person, while they learn to enjoy their space, their new life and their friendships without haste or urgency and sometimes without starting a new relationship again.
Can aging alone be enriching and positive? They always tell us that it is better to grow old as a couple...
The important thing when getting older is not to be isolated and alone. But growing old without a partner is neither worse nor better. It is an option just like the other. The fundamental thing is not to be alone, that is, to have ties, relationships, people to meet, to talk to, to share with, to laugh with, etc. That is the most important and necessary thing when we enter the stage of old age. If we don't have it, we can get sick or even die sooner.
Now there is a great diversity of emotional sexual relationships, such as living apart together or non-monogamy in various forms. Among seniors, the typology of relationships is also increasingly diverse. Do you think this is positive?
I believe there are no right or wrong models. With these themes we can be as creative as we want. The only thing that matters, really, is that we both feel comfortable with that relationship model. Nothing else. If we want to live separately because we have adapted to being that way and we need our privacy space from time to time, I don't see what the problem is as long as we both feel like living it that way. The important thing is to make sure that we do not accept a relationship model that does not fit us, to please the other party or to avoid being left alone. That would be a problem.
Can emotional responsibility be conditioned by age? We are supposed to be more responsible as we mature, or is there no reason?
In theory it should be like this. Maturity implies being more responsible but we all know cases that even with the passing of the years they do not change their way of acting and relating to their partners. Therefore, the important thing is that, no matter how old we are, we make sure we know our partners well to be clear if they fit what we are looking for or if, otherwise, it is better to continue without a partner, living the life we want. live completely independently, calmly and happily.
