When we are little, the relationship with our parents is marked by the care and education they provide us, from top to bottom. Vertical relationships are necessary during childhood, and how they develop depends on the type of attachments and relationships we establish in the future. The problem is whether one of the parties wants to extend that relationship of dominance beyond adolescence, either to guarantee their authority and control, or because of pathological dependence.
The psychologist Arun Mansukhani, who has coined the concepts of horizontal and vertical relationships, asserts that the emotional dependence on our parents does not disappear when they reach adulthood, but rather becomes a relationship of equals, in which both parties they need each other. The same applies to any other type of relationship: someone totally independent will develop an avoidant attachment, which is why reciprocity is the basis for maintaining healthy relationships.
Horizontal relationships, between equals, are what we must build as we grow. In the case of couples, it is about bonds of interdependence, in which both take care of each other and give affection to each other. Assuming these behaviors is decisive for the configuration of a circle of quality social support and the role we occupy within it. A common mistake is to try to transfer the verticality of other stages to the relationships of adult life, which can generate problems of dissatisfaction or self-esteem.
People who try to establish verticality in their partners make use of domination and submission, an aspect alien to healthy relationships in which there is no need for any member to be above or below the other. Other factors that come into play are manipulation, for example, blaming the other for their own happiness, or on the contrary, passivity that forces the other to pull the relationship. In this toxic dynamic, both parties feed back, one has a savior complex and the other thinks he needs someone to take care of him, but neither can lean on the other on equal terms.
The key to secure attachments lies in the couple’s capacity for autonomy and intimacy. When something bad happens to us, the ideal is to try to self-regulate emotionally with activities or resources that distract us or make us feel better, instead of running to our partner to tell them. The latter can denote a false need for the other to appease us, even at the risk of deregulating him emotionally. This trait is typical of people who are afraid of abandonment and practice a dependent-anxious attachment, which can lead them to maintain abusive relationships.
Horizontality is also necessary to establish emotionally secure relationships. The ability to trust oneself and others is what allows us to relax the limits and connect emotionally with the other and have intimate relationships. The opposite would be to adopt either a dominant profile, in which you control your partner for fear of being betrayed, or that of a castrating caregiver, through which you take care of your partner excessively with the aim of making them depend on you.
