he stands there again, with its bright and beginning erection, and hope that the initial manoeuvres will lead to sex.
it makes It so not.
She feels the pressure, and he feels rejected.
A scene that repeats itself all over the country again and again - and often with the same konkliktskabende result.
But the Danish psychologist and parterpauet Frej Prahl has just released the book 'Switched on' where he comes up with ideas on how couples can get out of the vicious cycle of pressure and rejection, of a bad conscience and hurt feelings.
Prahl believes that we must think quite differently to sex. We must simply turn and up down on our performances:
- Many clients come with the problems to understand each other, problems with communication, which either ends up in conflicts or bad moods. It is rare for sex to come forward right away. Is it still too taboo, says Prahl.
- But we can see that a great many couples struggling with sexuality. And that, I believe, among other things, are connected with the notions of sexuality, we bring into our relationships. Performances, where we learn about the importance of rugbrødssex, pligtsex, where sex will be compared with a session in the gym. Something that is important to get done to care for the 'health' of the couple, says the psychologist, who also believes our focus is too limited:
He seems, there is a one-sided focus on the penetration, to intercourse, to the unleashing:
- It is considered as the essential. Nowhere do we hear about all what's happening in the field. What I really consider it essential. The whole of the game. Will, tilnærmelserne and yes, so also afvisningerne, explains Frey Prahl and thus comes into its essential point.
Of rejections means a part in the game between the pair:
- However, as we establish ourselves in a relationship, increases our resistance to afvisningerne gradually. We become disappointed when we are rejected. Get a bad conscience than to refuse. Feel that the rejection is wrong. Because we nowhere learn that it is completely natural. A part of any sexual game, says Prahl, based on own experience in this context:
- It was what I learned with my own wife Vibeke. We, or She, also experienced disinclination for a longer period of time. It was frustrating. But then we started to refrain from the penetration as a succeskriterie and withdrew the rejections in our sexual play. Suddenly I felt no longer wrong. She could look at me with lystfulde eyes. It was so wonderful. But it could be she only, because her requests are no longer required her on something.
And so happened that She also got the desire back. But why did it happen?
- A special center in our brain are active when we feel a pressure to succeed to do something else than what we are doing. When we reject our girlfriend, when we are told that we should not do. As long as the center is active, we don't get the desire for sex. It by we. Since She could reject me without thinking that it ought she not snuffed out, she in a way for the center.
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Extra Magazine outlines a classic situation in some relationships:
the Couple sitting in the couch and watching tv, he asks if she will have a little neck massage. It will she and will she. Slowly he begins so to make it more erotic, and she stiffens, she brands his intention, and he marks, she stiffens, and he feels rejected 'Here, I give even massage and nothing I get out of it,' he thinks, maybe. Later he tries, perhaps to make godnatkysset to a wetter sexkys - and she withdraws.
Frey Prahl doing this analysis and proposal for a changed way of thinking:
- If it is a success for him, that the man will get sex out of its inquiries, the woman will feel it with the same. She will feel obligated to have sex with him, she will not disappoint him.
- And in that moment, she feels obligated, she will not get the desire for sex. It requires namely, that she did not think of his satisfaction, but its own. So he must somehow experience the joy of the whole of the initial game. If he can infect her with the joy and help her with forventningspresset, he creates the best conditions for her desire.
Frey Prahl believes that if the man can infect the woman with joy, and help her with forventningspresset, he creates the best conditions for her desire.
Prahl think that especially women miss to be requested without counterclaim:
- Well, without a notion that they must do something in exchange for the subject. But men miss in the extent is also to be requested. For that we can create space to desire, we need to decouple ourselves from some of the cultural performances, we have laid down over the sexual.
- We have no language for the entire game, I'm talking about. No more than we talk about it as a foreplay, to get over with, before you come to the real essential. We need to get away from the idea of foreplay. On rugbrødssex, says the psychologist.
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If we do not have any language for it is natural in afvisningerne, afvisningerne as a part of a sexual game, we will always feel wrong when we are either being rejected or rejecting our partner, believes Frey Prahl:
- And the game will never be particularly interesting, if we do not uncoupler us from penetrationstyranniet, since the game will only be interesting, if sex out of it. It is a big problem: The health care professionals focus their madmetaforer only on the meal - penetration. Pornoskuespillerne have lots of sex, but they show us nothing about the game (afvisningerne, tilnærmelserne). There is not much uncertainty in a pornoscene! We like where we are going.
Thus, it concludes Prahl:
- If the man as well as woman gets new thoughts about the rejection and refrain from the narrow penetrationsfokus, the woman can help the man to cope with the rejection. Because she knows that he knows that her advances never oblige her on more, she can begin to enjoy his desire. Touch him, send him teasing eyes. He marks on her, that the gravity has slipped out of the afvisningerne. It is more playful.
- But he must also help her to get rid of the expectations, she thinks, he has to the sexual. So it is handled is probably best, together in the pair. Neurological and biological functioning of pressure to succeed as kyskhedsbælter. So you have to turn up the flirting and down of expectations, says Frey Prahl.
'turned On' by Frej Prahl is released at Danish Psychological Publishers and costs 249,-
See also: Five signs that your relationship holds in and outside the bed
the Requirements on the sex drive destroys sex drive
the Requirements on the sex drive destroys the sex drive. It writes Mads Jesper Løye Hejl in a column. Hejl is associated with the Mahamudra Institute, where, among other things, learn about tantra and elskovskunst. He has worked with relationships, thoughts, body and movement for 25 years.
- I make a distinction between 'like', therefore, an object of one's desire, and the desire itself: If the child has the urge for an ice cream in the freezer, it is surely not the child's desire ,who is hiding in the cold dark space? The desire in the child. The desire expresses the impulse or life force.
'Want' can simply not be required or required. It is like love 'unconditional' or 'beyond the condition.' Just try to ask a man to get an erection with a 'come on, so come... stand up NOW! Or to a woman: Become so WET!' We confuse the two, the desire, and the desire TO believe Hejl.
For Hejl, it is about to come in contact with its like:
- For example, 'naughty sex' recorded of a story about 'something I want to,' while the sex in touch to this brightly-in-us will not going anywhere. Will not anything from the other or from themselves, says the head of the department.
And how can you tackle the vicious circle of sexpres in a relationship where the pressure to get the desire to disappear?
- the Way to take sex-the pressure of relationship problems is to stop doing it for a condition that we are together. Here it is important to know this: 'I do NOT have responsibility for, that you get covered your sex drive - and I will not take a monopoly on it, and you are not the monopoly of the my.'
What do you do when you can't require like?
- You can invite. We can be better to give the invitations, which do NOT have expectations maybe? First and foremost, by not wanting anything from the other. Don't want her to think that the man is a great lover and reciprocate with an orgasm. I can't GIVE anyone an orgasm - presents binds and obliges also. It comes by itself, if the invitation is there.
- So many men are preoccupied, 'I gives her a orgasm, and so it's my turn.' But now I see lovemaking like dancing, so I can't give you a dance. I can give you one thing, but not that we are moving together. I can't give you a contact, but I can affect me in the meeting with you. And the more loving and the more sensual, I could affect ME, the more loving an invitation you might take to affect you. In the same moment you want something with its touch and it senses the women immediately - so she closes her. It becomes a trade-off.