Is there anyone more unfortunate than a carpetovetonic divorcee on the morning of Three Kings? Not a Guijuelo shoulder, not a couple of kilos of Silesian coal, not a girlfriend in Alcalá who is neither a girlfriend nor is she...
In these hours of despondency, from owl to owl and as a supporter of Winston Churchill, I want to express my solidarity, affection and empathy with all good Spaniards to whom Their Majesties the Magi of the East have endorsed a fryer without oil.
Gentlemen, you have to fuck yourself!
First of all, afflicted graceful, think that if that device that does not fit in your kitchen – equipped with a dishwasher, sandwich maker, food processor, microwave and artisanal pasta machine (not to be confused with a guillotine) – is there, it is not to annoy you eggs with tiptoes, potatoes and chistorra but for their own good and that of their health.
You have won the lottery!
First off, please don't make that face. The oil-free fryer is here to stay (in some corner of the storage room, of course) and it is a before and after, not only in your diet but also in the international fight against cholesterol. We are going to win this game!
What happens to you is that you are ungrateful and a machirulo, incapable of appreciating the various advantages of the artifact. No smoke, no frying, energy saving, goodbye to haughty olive trees, burns and the flavors of a lifetime (I know what you are thinking).
Don't be cheesy: would you have preferred a pair of matching gloves with a scarf, in the midst of global warming? A Marinella tie? An envelope with 500 euros for your expenses? Think that we have come to the world of the 21st century to share and to indulge one another, just like yesterday.
Life goes on. In hours, the happy infants will return to the classroom, to the grief of kangaroo grandparents, conciliatory parents and good-looking teachers. Thanks to the fryer without oil, every dinner in 2023, a banquet, and you and yours, to grow up healthy.
Dear Melchor, Gaspar and Baltasar: see you on the street.