“I was a sea of ??tears and snot. “I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything,” recalls Germán, 37, who in June of this year went through a separation after a year and a half of dating. “For me it was like a glass of cold water on the face. I did not expect. It gave me a lot of anxiety. I lost nine kilos in a month, I had to take time off work and I’m still taking antidepressant medication,” he explains. What happens when unmarried couples leave him? Do we give it the same entity as a divorce or is grieving expected to be quicker and easier?
“It is true that sometimes a divorce is given more importance than a separation, due to the fact that there are legal procedures, when in truth the process can be just as painful,” says Ferran C., 51 years old. , who separated from her ex-partner in October last year after fourteen years together. After a year and a half of watching her relationship grow increasingly cold, she told him, “I don’t see you as my partner anymore. “I see you as a friend or a roommate.”
“Being married can make the logistics more difficult, sometimes adding difficult steps that confirm that the separation is real. But suffering cannot be measured, it depends a lot on each person. Getting divorced doesn’t have to be more traumatic than separating,” says psychologist and sexologist Lua Carreira.
“I think that socially saying ‘I got divorced’ can even sound and be perceived differently than ‘I separated from my girlfriend,’” says Mauricio (35), who separated from his previous partner three years ago. They were together for seven years, the last two living together. A few months after their separation, some friends told him ‘Well, that’s it. You broke up, it’s over,’ implying that it was time to turn the page. “We were not married nor did we have children but for me it was really very hard. The bond we had was just as strong as if there had been a piece of paper saying we were married,” he says.
“If the environment does not recognize that grief and the fact that, although I have not been married, that has been a very significant relationship for me, it is going to mean a problem,” says professor and Master Director of General Health Psychology at the UOC Adrián. Montesano, and adds: “It is the typical phrase of ‘Well, that’s it.’ Yes, you will surely reach that stage, but not at this moment. Now you are in the disengagement phase.”
The psychologist clarifies that “in more conservative environments, where there are even many fewer people who maintain long-term relationships without getting married, this difference between divorce and separation may be experienced more. But, nowadays, I think what makes the most difference is whether or not there are children involved.”
For psychologist Silvia Congost, “beyond the added annoyance that, in addition to the emotional and psychological pain that the breakup entails, you have to start the divorce proceedings, there is no difference. On a social level it is the same. If it is a stable and long-lasting relationship, when it breaks in both cases it means being left alone, without the support or company of that person, having to decide what to do with mutual friends, the fact of being ‘abandoned’ by your partner or being the bad guy who leaves the other, a move, looking for an apartment, etc… It’s the same separation process, with the difference that we don’t have to deal with the paperwork.”
As he explains, “the complexity on an emotional level is exactly the same with or without papers. What complicates it, more than whether we are married or not, is that we have half assets, that one owes money to another, that there is business in common, or, of course, children. Everything that we have in common and that we are required to agree on complicates it.”
“I feel that the more you put into the relationship, the more difficult it is later…” says Germán and explains: “We share many friends. To this day, she still gets along very well with mine. And that is sometimes a little hard, because maybe there is a dinner or a birthday and you don’t know if she can be there. So at first you avoid those meetings. She also has a dog that I became very attached to. I would tell you that today I miss him more than her.”
The fact of having lived together made the separation more difficult for Mauricio. “Separating from the person who lived with me was very serious for me. We spent a lot of time together. You get used to the other person, to the couple’s routines. Coming home and having to prepare dinner for yourself was very hard, like starting from scratch,” she remembers.
For Agustina, 31, the fact that she had few ties to her former relationship made letting her go much easier. They were together for two and a half years. “We didn’t share a house, children, or friends. Obviously, it was sad. But, from one day to the next, I stopped seeing him. I went to her house one afternoon to look for some clothes that she had left me and that’s it. Since there was nothing that was reminding me of him all the time, it was easier in that sense,” says Agustina.
They had plans to move in together right before they decided to break up. “I am grateful that we separated earlier, because it would have been much more difficult for me. Especially here in Barcelona, ??where it is not easy to live alone. Having to go to a room would have been emotionally complicated,” she says.
After fourteen years together, Ferran C. and his partner shared, in addition to interests and hobbies, all their networks of affection. They both wrote a text to inform their friends that they would no longer be a couple. “Seeing that it was a text written by both of them, with good vibes, of not wanting to leave things bad, the reaction was very positive,” he explains and adds: “His friends have sent me messages of support and I know that some of my friends They still talk to her. There is no resentment.”
They were able to start living separate lives without conflict. They had two cats in common and, although today they live with Ferran C. She took care of them last summer. They had a shared expense account but each one maintained their own finances. “We had nothing in common that could generate more burdens or tensions in the separation, such as custody of children, property, money, debts, mortgages. I experienced my parents’ divorce. It was very complicated, because of my custody and because of their ways. As the son of divorced parents, I suffered it,” says Ferran C.
“If you get along well and both are able to maintain cordiality, even with children involved, it can be something that goes through with a certain calm, even with the pain and everything that it implies. It may even be a necessary step in the relationship between the two of them,” agrees Lua Carreira.
“There are couples who are capable of carrying out a separation process really well, with and without children, and others who carry it out in total conflict, with lawyers and blockades involved,” agrees Adrián Montesano and clarifies that the “worst scenario” is that of those couples “separated but together, in a false union.” This, he assures, generates “a chronic illness, with terrible consequences for physical and mental health. Sometimes breaking up is a good indicator of mental health.
According to the psychologist, the fundamental axis is the degree of conflict with which this separation is carried out. “Obviously, in a separation there are always emotional distances that are never pleasant. But, when this polarization is above relational ethics, that is, the respect, love and care with which one travels, that is when very serious consequences can be seen for the mental health of all participants in the equation,” he explains. he. Other aggravating factors may also intervene, such as failure to take into account the needs of joint children, infidelity, or people close to the couple intervening to position themselves for or against one or the other.
Psychologist Silvia Congost explains that “Breakups are not usually desired and sought equally by both parties. We may be hurt and it is more difficult to act from kindness and compassion, which would be ideal. If one of the two is not fair to the other, he tries to take advantage or acts only looking out for his own benefit, this will complicate the process much more. This is clearly made worse when there are third parties, of course.”
Leonardo, 37, separated from his daughter’s mother two years ago. “If it weren’t for our daughter, each of us would continue on his side and that’s it,” he explains. In two weeks, he will return to court with his ex-partner for custody. The separation from him – he says – was very conflictive. “She was very angry. She hired a lawyer. “She accused me of several things, among them, that he could not take care of me as a father,” she says and clarifies: “I experienced it as a divorce. My environment supported me and understood it as something serious, especially because of the issue of my daughter.”
“If there are minors involved, a separation is the same as a divorce in terms of visitation, custody, and alimony,” explains family lawyer Elena Crespo and adds: “The difference is that, in the procedural procedure, “They will file a divorce suit if they were married or a lawsuit for the termination of a stable relationship if they were a de facto couple.” Also exclusive to divorce procedures – indicates the lawyer – is the fact that, if one of the spouses has seen a decompensation in their standard of living, they can claim a compensatory benefit, while in common-law couples it would be a pension of food, which cannot exceed a period of three years.
In Catalonia – the expert clarifies -, for this couple to be considered a de facto couple, they must have been registered as such in the Registry of stable couples of Catalonia or, otherwise, they must be able to demonstrate cohabitation for more than two years. If this couple has a child together, they are automatically considered a de facto couple.
“I don’t think that a divorce makes it more difficult or cumbersome when it comes to separating,” says the lawyer and adds: “Marriage even protects more in cases where there is an economic imbalance, especially for women who stop working for pay. or they take a reduced working day, as is the typical case of the housewife, because they have the right to that compensatory pension, whether they have children or not.”
The complexity or not of that separation, he indicates. “It will be given by the people more than by the procedure itself. Obviously, when there are children things become more complicated, but here it does not matter whether you are married or not.” The greatest amount of conflict, he assures, occurs “in disputes over custody, especially if there are baby children, also over the education that they want to give them and over the use of the family home. I even have very complicated divorces because they cannot agree on the custody of the pet,” she says.
“Breakups are never easy. It’s not so much about how much is involved, but about how that separation is faced. It can be a stormy breakup whether or not they have papers,” says psychologist Lua Carreira and adds: “Sometimes the pain is minimized when it is a breakup without children. The difficult thing when sharing children comes especially because there cannot be an emotional and physical distance, which is sometimes necessary. Lack of zero contact can cause the pain to linger. But it depends a lot on each case, the reasons and how they are handled.”
“In my case, distance and zero contact helped me a lot. It’s hard at first, but otherwise it’s like a loop, an endless conversation that never ends. I would love for us to be friends later, and I think that for that to happen we first have to break the previous one,” says Germán. For him, the most difficult thing to face was “that space, that void that the other person leaves. Especially for migrants, who do not have our family here. All the bonds we generate while away feel stronger.” He is Uruguayan and has lived in Barcelona for four years.
For Mauricio, the fact of being a migrant was also a significant factor. He first came from Argentina and his ex-partner later moved in to accompany him. “That was always a backpack for me, that’s why I also extended the separation,” he explains. The breakup was also difficult because of the life stage he was in. “I think that the older you get, the more projects you have in common. We were already thinking in terms of family. My partner was my family. Even more so living abroad. I was 33 years old when I separated and I remember thinking: ‘Will I find a person with whom I can share the same projects?’ “That was my biggest fear,” he says.
Before separating, Ferran C. saw that other friends separated and asked himself: “If it happened to me, what would I do?” “That thing about starting over, meeting a new person, when you are old enough, you look for someone who adapts to your lifestyle. In the end, it wasn’t traumatic. I immediately decided to socialize more, make new friends and signed up for Tinder. I am quite social and open, that helped me a lot. But I have people in my environment who have been separated for many years who do find it difficult. They are afraid, ashamed or lazy. They settle with what they have and say: ‘I understand myself very well and I don’t need anything else.’”
“What I see in consultation is that, when some people separate at a certain age, mostly between 50 or 60 years old, they believe that that’s it, that they are no longer going to have another partner, that it is too late to find someone.” ”says psychologist Lua Carreira.
Professor Adrián Montesano del Campo explains that “in adulthood, your partner has a very important role. Losing her is losing your family, your support. A separation means losing something about yourself that was important and that you have to transform. You have to reinvent yourself in this sense. The conflict with the sense of purpose in life increases greatly.”
“It is impossible not to project yourself with that person. After the separation, you have to start undoing ideas or projects that were in your head, because they are not going to happen,” says Germán. For him, their separation was like a shock. “Everything moves you. Not just the emotional part. You rethink where you are and why you are not somewhere else, what you are doing, if you are happy or just comfortable,” he explains.
The breakup was the kickstart for Mauricio to start psychotherapy. “At first I wasn’t sure how he was going to help me. But it gave me tools to understand that a breakup is not the death of anyone, that people separate and get back together, that life goes on,” he explains and adds: “The support of my mother, my sister and my friends”.
The support of friends is something that all the people interviewed mention as a key point to get through the moments of greatest pain. “Even though I saw it coming and was mentally prepared, the moment it happens you need that support and human warmth. I have a circle of friends who are like brothers that I could lean on,” explains Ferran C. In addition to friends, for Leonardo, “the most important thing is patience. It is important to continue in life and remember that everything passes.”
“In my case, I don’t know if it was the therapy or the fact that it is more socially accepted, but I learned a lot to be able to manage my emotions and express them freely. If I need to cry, do it anywhere. Being able to show myself vulnerable. When sadness invades you, you have to accept it,” says Germán. He has gone from crying in a bar with friends, on the beach and even at an electronic party. “Never in my life did I imagine I would be crying at work, but it happened to me a couple of times without realizing it. It’s very good because it relieves a lot,” he says and adds: “I still have a long way to go to rebuild myself. Learn to be okay alone again. It’s little by little, day by day.”